Christmas time is here. If you weren’t aware, it has been here since August. Every year the holiday season sneaks up a little sooner. Santa tiptoes to his improvised stage in the mall, holding his sleigh bells taut with his fat clammy hands, in hopes of muffling their jingle, so he can sneak in undetected. The Starbucks staff frames their windows with strings of incandescent lights in the dead of night so as to avoid alarming patrons that they’re starting the holiday season six months early. And when you order your tall eggnog spiced latte, you don’t notice the holy flickering glory illuminating every inch of the coffee shop. Wait, did I just order an eggnog latte before Halloween? Those fuckers hoodwinked me for the last time!

I know this was Jesus’ fault. Listen, I’m sure Jesus was a nice dude (that’s how I start every conversation with my priest), and I’m sure he was that guy at Target who would let you cut the line if he had a shopping cart full of shit and you had two items. I bet he even contributed to NPR every year. But if he was the guy who pushed his birthday six months before it happened…I’m not sure that’s the kind of cat I’d want to hang around, let alone worship.

I bet Jesus was the guy going, "My birthday, we’re doin’ it up Vegas style!" and everyone was thinking, "Yeah—probably not, asshole. You didn’t even remember my birthday and I’m supposed to shell out a grand and take a week off work so you can do blow off a stripper without feeling guilty? Fuck that, your dad would lose his shit. And the icing on the selfish cake: your birthday is on fucking Christmas! So fuck you, you’re getting some scratch off lottery tickets and a case of beer like the rest of us."

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To tell you the truth, I don’t think I blame Judas. How many times a day can you hear, "Hey man, keep December 20th through 25th open." Or, "Hey, you know what next month is?" Judas probably flipped out one day, "Yeah bro, we get it. You’re the Son of God and your birthday is coming up. Hey guess what, I have a birthday too and—I did a little research—so does every person on the fucking planet! Oh…what, now you’re gonna cry? Oh yeah, you are so under appreciated. Why don’t you cry me a river until your fuckin’ cup runneth over. Why don’t you turn some water into a glass of give-a-shit because I’m fresh out."

No I’m just kidding, Jesus is just a fairy tale….

But his birthdays are fucking killer.

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