By Buck Crimshaw, 30-year veteran of conservative news media and brand ambassador for the K.C. Masterpiece family of sauces.
I am an open-minded man. I once rented a boat from a Qatari “illusionist,” so trust that I respect folks of all nationalities and made-up backgrounds, except the multi-racial because they are flip-floppers.
I do not, however, respect the anti-faith contingent hawking the hateful lie that my Lord and savior Christ Jesus the Nazarene of Galilee was Mid-Eastern and not, in fact, a red-blooded, speaker phone-talking American man. Once and for all, I will dispel the pseudo-socialist notion that the Messiah is from the same place as Wilmer Valderrama by shout-typing my evidence in your face until you recognize that I can never be wrong because I’m louder.
Point #1: The Son of God lived by America’s Real First Amendment: “Bros before proven prostitutes.”
Nowhere in my thorough investigation of Christ’s life did I uncover any occasion upon which Jesus defined the relationship, and that’s just about as American as it’s gonna get. I mean, look it up. The Lamb of God knew where his bread was buttered—somewhere between Mary Magdalene’s buttcheeks and the crease of her knees (I’m not good with directions). My man put a dent in it, and that’s just true from a scriptural standpoint. But did he express his feelings for her? I don’t remember that scene in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ and I also know in my heart that my Jesus—my moral compass—would never get tied down while he’s still in his thirties like a Canadian IT professional.
Jesus had every opportunity to sit down with Magdalene, look her dead in the chest, and say, “I think I’m going to start keeping a tunic and a bottle of Centrum daily multis at your place, if that’s cool,” but he didn’t. Instead, he pretty much ignored her whenever the fellas were around, went down on her for a solid 20–25 to make it up to her later, and “wasn’t home” when she showed up for a surprise pop-in at his tomb. Just like an American man.
Point #2: Are we sure the events of the Gospel took place in Israel or actually in the very American state of Arizona?
Before this conversation begins, I must make one thing clear: I am not a Mormon, nor will I ever go past third base with one. They are heretics. If it is alleged on this blog that I am even sympathetic to Mormon causes, I will disable the comment feed, and you will be deprived of the high-level discourse which we all enjoy on this site. Mormons have had only one good idea (sister wifery) and the reality that both they and I have arrived at the conclusion that Jesus spent significant portions of his life in the American West is purely coincidental.
Now that the Mormon issue is settled for once and final, we can focus on the uncanny likenesses that Arizona and Israel share. Just think: they’re both warm, sunny lands that are hostile to invaders, probably each have only like one Ruth’s Chris (if that), they feature very important walls, and Jesus would literally die to get out of them (much like the thousands of elderly Americans whose children “retire” them to the desert each year). That is five shared traits, five times as many as their differences (the only difference is that they are not the same place). I cannot, therefore, rule out the pretty much factual possibility that Jesus lived and died in the state of Arizona and, not, as has been reported ad nauseam by the mainstream media, in the Holy Land of Israel.
One final note: many will question if Arizona’s proximity to the Mexican border and the fact that it’s state university’s football coach is named Rodriguez means that Jesus’ Arizonan origins might make him hispanohablante. Look here—the great state of Arizona went Romney in 2012 by a 9% margin, and if that’s not good enough for you, you can kiss one.
Point #3: Jesus Christ, unlike all other Jewish men throughout history, was imbued with a natural flair for business and, boy, could that mother sell.
It is known that all Mid-Easterners descend from sultans and are unaccustomed to manual effort aside from polishing semi-precious stones such as malachite, jasper, and turquoise—this is not Jesus’ ethos. The Light of the World wasn’t afraid of a little work, and that’s just true. The messiah was raised by a carpenter and a woman, so He understood labor and The American Way.
Jesus’ most famous quote is, “You can’t sell all day if you don’t start in the morning.” Wow. He made that up. And now there are over 12 billion Christians worldwide.
Ford. Rockefeller. Jobs. Winfrey. Walton. They have all taken their cue from the first mogul—the first American innovator, Christ Jesus the Nazarene of Arizona.