If I could change one thing about the 1996 masterpiece, Jerry Maguire, I would probably make it longer. Two hours and twenty minutes simply isn’t enough time to spend laughing it up with Mr. Maguire and the gang. Similarly, my only complaint about my legendary boys’ weekend in Atlantic City is that it was over too fast (I also wish I hadn’t gotten bed bugs from my hotel room in Bally’s, but sometimes that’s just the price you pay for the time of your life). These quotes from the greatest film of all time perfectly describe the greatest weekend of all time.

“Maybe love shouldn’t be such hard work.”
As we lost more and more money, the realization that our wives were going to be pissed slowly sank in. The second I lost my six thousandth dollar in the Big Bang Theory slot machine was the moment I knew that the ol’ ball and chain was going to be furious. Last time I lost that much money, it was because Hasbro hit me with a copyright infringement lawsuit after I tried to market a Play-Doh for adults (pretty much just Play-Doh but can have sex with it). After a few too many tequila sunrises, we all called our wives and told them we were divorcing them in an attempt to spare us their ire and to make the boys’ weekend last forever. My son is taking it kind of hard, but he’ll understand when he’s older and has his own boys’ weekend.

“I love black people!”
The boys and I kept expressing this sentiment throughout the night to prove to each other and those around us that we aren’t racist. Cameron Crowe’s deft touch as a screenwriter is masterfully encapsulated with this piece of dialogue that Tom Cruise delivers flawlessly (by screaming it). Early in the movie, I found myself distracted, thinking, “I wonder if this Mr. Maguire guy is a racist.” However as soon as Mr. Maguire uttered these words, my tune quickly changed, and I began thinking, “There is no way Mr. Maguire is a racist.”

“It’s not ‘show friends.’ It’s ‘show business.’”
This quote popped into my head when I asked Marcus if he had had a chance to read my Orange is the New Black spec script yet, and he told me he had, but he thought it “sucked ass.” This made me pretty mad, especially because he kept pointing to the Orange is the New Black slot machine saying, “You should play this slot machine because that’s the closest you’ll ever get to making money from Orange is the New Black.” And, being in an emotionally fragile state (I had just called my wife and told her I was divorcing her, after all), I went into a rage and murdered Marcus. In retrospect, I wish I had realized that it IS show business, and not show friends. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have taken Marcus’ comments so personally, and he’d still be alive today.

“Show Me the Money!”
I kept shouting this because I thought it was pretty funny (I mean, we were in the casino and I was trying to win the big bucks, for God’s sake). My friends didn’t find it funny, unfortunately, because they’re not comedy buffs like I am. Instead, they kept saying things like, “Where’s Marcus?” and, “Please stop saying that Jerry Maguire quote, we’re trying to find Marcus,” and “Last I saw Marcus, he was criticizing your script and you were getting really mad at him.” I was like, “We’re in AC, let’s not spoil the good vibes, dudes.” So annoying.

“Who Had I Become? Just another shark in a suit?”
Obviously, when the boys get together in AC, we’re going to go all out and dress to the nines, so we were wearing our suits the entire time. And as I was dumping Marcus’ body into the ocean, along with the bodies of all my other friends who poked their noses where they didn’t belong, I couldn’t help but wonder; had this trip changed me? Was I a shark in the aforementioned suit? Before boys’ weekend, I had never murdered a person in my life, I was married, and I had a great deal of confidence in the spec script I had written. But all that changed by the end of it. I was reminded of the time when Sports Management International fired Mr. Maguire. He didn’t just roll over and accept defeat. Instead, he immediately set about poaching all their clients. By the same token, I knew it was time to befriend a new group of bros, go to Atlantic City with them, and have another chill-ass boys’ weekend that we all wouldn’t soon forget.


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