Thank you for attending the wedding of Jacob Ebenhoe and Esther Kettlewell. Jake and Esther are very glad you’re here to celebrate and be a part of this. Today is a special day. This will be a day we will remember forever, like 9/11. 9/11 was a disaster that, in the end, brought us closer together as a country. Sure, this togetherness ended up costing way too much money, was mostly for show, and disgusted everyone else. Welcome to Jake and Esther’s wedding.

Jacob and Esther lived only partial lives until they met each other. They each found their soulmate, that one person in the whole world they were meant to be with. And that person happened to work at the same place they do. Isn’t God the fucking best?

Jacob Ebenhoe, a driven yet misguided Wisconsin native enslaved his whole life by his genitalia, incapable of ever saying the words “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong,” will ask for the soft hand of Esther Kettlewell in marriage. As they begin this journey together, it’s easy to dwell on the fact that life is completely meaningless, devoid of joy, and filled with unending anguish.

So instead let’s keep it positive and give this new young married couple all of your love, thought, and attention, in the hopes that they may experience a fleeting moment of pleasure as they take the sacred vow of marriage. They hope you as well will be able to forget your cares and worries and enjoy yourself, if only for a little while.

Here is a guide of the wonderful festivities planned for today.

1:45 PM CENTRAL STANDARD TIME

Guests (hey, that’s you!) are seated while some music plays before the ceremony. Even though both the bride and the groom work for a cell phone company, it would be polite to turn down the ringers on your cell phone or switch on “Do Not Disturb,” as it is important that we are all in the moment.

2:00 PM – THE MAGIC HAPPENS

Here’s where it gets super sappy and stuff. There will be some guy no one knows reading stuff from the good book that applies to this, or marriage in general, or maybe just love, but still.

Then some things are said to each other, hands are touched, a little kissing action. Boom. Now Jake and Esther are together for eternity, two souls become one.

2:30 PM – GET UP, GET OUT AND WALK AWAY

The serious stuff is over! Time to get ready to party. Turn those cell phones back up. Can you believe you just went a HALF HOUR without using the internet or any apps?!

You will now leave the ceremony and embark upon a short walk to the reception area. There will be signs leading the way. Don’t ignore them. Go ahead, grab some refreshments, play some lawn games. The wedding party will use this 45 minutes to go off on their own thing and get their pictures taken. They’ll be back.

3:15 PM – COCKTAIL HOUR

Now we pop bottles. The wedding party returns to join everyone for the cocktail party and greetings. You will find place-markers telling you where you have been assigned to sit. You will not find any lines or script for things to say to the new couple. Try something like, “Hey guys, good job, and congratulations to you.”

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Be genuine!

4:00 PM – MEAL-MINGLE-MUSIC TIME

That smell isn’t the port-o-potties which have been graciously provided for you to use as necessary, it’s the food which you will now eat! Please enjoy the music and the company of friends, loved ones, and former strangers. You’re encouraged to mingle, and to serve yourself to a wide range of various meals available. Don’t even worry about all these things that have been given to you and set up for you. Yeah, it all cost a lot, but again, just don’t worry about it.

4:30 PM – DANCES OR WHATEVER

Jacob & Esther will now dance for the first time as a married couple. Then the other obligatory dances. Yeah, it’s cliché, but just find some comfort in the few things in life that are tried-and-true, instead of rebelling against them.

Jim Ebenhoe has also requested a special father-in-law/daughter-in-law dance with Esther.

4:45 PM – CONTINUE TO ENJOY YOURSELF PLEASE

Socializing and eating continues. The music will start to set the tone for what it is to become a wild, fun night of drinking, dancing, partying, and silliness, unless it isn’t or someth— hey, is that Mitch Noah?

5:15 PM – TOASTS, CATCHING UP LOUDLY WITH MITCH

Story time! Everyone’s got a good Jake story, right? Now would be a good time to tell it to share the joy with everyone. People probably haven’t heard it. Remember, everyone likes you and wants to hear what you have to say, so don’t be nervous and don’t leave anything you want to say out. I know easier said than done, but if you can’t just let loose and be chill now, when can you be?

So talk about how much the couple means to you, or how happy you are for them, or how marriage is such a wonderful thing, or those wet dreams you keep having about Esther, or how you hope they’ll be happy together forever, or whatever.

Also, if you slide your knife back and forth on your empty plate, the couple will kiss!

6:30 PM – JUST GO WITH IT

Hang in there, buddy. Things are just getting started. CHEESECAKES have arrived, which is great, because you got a little too drunk a little too quickly. Just shove it down and soldier through. There’s no turning back now.

7:00 PM – IT’S YOUR LAST CHANCE TO CATCH THE SHUTTLE OUT

If you’re not staying the night, you need to catch this ferry. If you are staying the night, continue partying without a care in the world. I’m not going to tell you what to do, this is a choice you have to make.

7:30 PM – THE LAST SHUTTLE LEAVES AT 7:30, THIS IS IT, NOW OR NEVER

It’s unclear what will happen during this time. There’s this period of time where anything could really happen. Most likely, it will be continued dancing and drinking under the watchful, tired eyes of God. Enjoy yourself.

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9:00 PM – END OF FORMAL RECEPTION / IF YOU THINK IT’S OVER THINK AGAIN

While now would normally be a good time to count your losses and try to move on, the new Mr. and Mrs. request that you stay and contribute to all the memories being created.

9:05 PM – FOOD! FOOD! SHOVE IT IN THE HOLE!

Did Daddy come through or what? In a gift from on high, food has arrived and not a moment too soon. Breathe out, loosen the belt one notch, and dive in deep to the scrumptious smorgasbord of delectable sustenance which, again, is just being given to you and provided for you without anything expected back.

9:15 PM – OLD SCHOOL THROWDOWN

You know what they say. What happens in Washington Island stays in Washington Island. It’s to the point in the night where the lines are blurred between legal and illegal, fun and scary, history and tragedy, Tom Ebenhoe and someone who it’s okay to spend the night with. Terrible food becomes necessary nourishment. Bad music becomes acceptable to dance to without even a second thought. Shots are consumed by all in the name of a good time. As the sun sets, the night sky is lit by our merriment and painted by our dancing, as we play our part in the symphony of love. There is no right or wrong now. There is only a historic night of epic proportions which has to go down like this.

9:45 PM AFTER PARTY / AFTERWORD / MUSIC & BONFIRE BY THE WATER / MANDATORY GROUP TICKLING

No matter how much we want life to just please end, it doesn’t. It just keeps going on and on forever as more shit gets piled up and shit gets exponentially fucked to the point where it just beats you down and breaks you so much until you have to accept it, accept that you will forever be swimming upstream in the middle of the ocean, except there’s nothing metaphorical it’s real and it’s all around you and you deal with it every waking moment and in your constant nightmares.

No matter how many times we wish, hope, and pray that it’s all just one big joke, it isn’t. So for two people to have found each other and enjoy each other’s company, that’s really a beautiful thing. Let’s celebrate the love and joy of Jacob and Esther. Let’s give a toast to the life they will create together, always by each other’s side through the nights and through the days, both living life together and making a life together.

NOTE: If you want to leave a tip, that’s totally fine, not saying you have to, but yeah the kegs did cost a lot, not to mention the cost of music, booking the venue, yada yada… then when you add in the multiple meals, the dress of course, then you got the invitations, yeah they were electronic but there’s a cost to that, then there’s the, never mind, forget I even mentioned it. No, seriously, it’s fine. Everything is fine.

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