When my roommate, Alice, told me she was moving out in September, I placed a “room for rent” ad on Craigslist. I started receiving messages immediately! I couldn’t believe how many people responded to “23-year-old girl looking for roommate in chic loft in Logan Square. Must be okay with cats and me walking around the house naked LOL.”

Most of the emails were from guys, but I really wanted to live with a girl for safety reasons (and because my boyfriend, Chip, would just DIE if I lived with a man).

Then I met Adam. He was friendly, smart, and best of all, gay. I never had a gay roommate before! I couldn’t wait until he moved in. I pictured us painting our nails together, making out when we both came home drunk, and of course, going shopping. I’ve always wanted a gay best friend, and my wish was finally coming true.

Adam moved in at the beginning of October. Once he had unpacked his stuff, I told him I already had our whole day planned. First and foremost, we were going shopping!

“No thanks,” he said. “I kind of hate shopping.” A gay man who hated shopping? Yeah right, I thought. He’s probably just pulling my leg.

About a month later, I told him I needed to go shopping for a dress for my friend’s wedding, and asked if he wanted to come.

“I’m okay,” he said.

I figured he was just tired from going to a drag show or a bathhouse the night before, so I went to Nordstrom by myself and found a dress. It was a lilac chiffon with a sweetheart neckline that fell just above the knee. I put it on when I got home to get Adam’s opinion. I strutted into the living room where he was watching TV and placed myself in front of him.

“What do you think?” I asked.

He gave me a quick glance, then went back to watching TV.

“It’s nice,” he said.

He never once told me that I looked fierce, or that he was “shook.” I didn’t even get a “YASS QUEEN” or “SLAY BITCH, SLAY.” Did he have the flu or something? I looked at the TV and noticed he was watching Dexter, not RuPaul or reruns of Will & Grace. I was starting to think that Adam wasn’t even gay!

Despite his two mess ups, I was willing to give Adam one last try. Maybe he just hated shopping for clothes. So I asked him to come to Sephora with me to find a new mascara.

“I’m actually going on a date,” he told me.

He was wearing jeans, a Ralph Lauren sweater, and black dress shoes. There wasn’t an ounce of gay in his outfit. Where were the sparkles, the glitter, the tutu? He wasn’t dressed how I’d seen gay men dress on TV. On TV, they wore shirts that said “You can’t brunch with us” and pants with rhinestones on the butt. Adam was dressed like my coworkers, who are definitely not gay. I know because they’re always getting in trouble with HR. Did you know giving massages at work is considered “sexual harassment?” Those crazy boys!

I called Chip. “I’m gonna ask Adam to move out,” I told him. “I think he lied about being gay.”

I heard the front door close, so I ran to the window to watch Adam meet his date. A tall, handsome man got out of the driver’s side of the car. He walked to the passenger side to open the door for Adam. He was wearing dark jeans, brown dress shoes, and a leather jacket. Again, no glitter, no rhinestones, not even a wig. Unbelievable. He wasn’t gay either. I couldn’t believe they would try to prank me like this. I was so shocked, I forgot that Chip was still on the phone.

“Babe, you there?” he asked. I watched as Adam’s “date” closed the door, got back into the driver’s seat, and drove away.

“That’s it. He’s moving out tomorrow.”

The next day, I confronted Adam about his alleged homosexuality.

“You need to move out,” I told him.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because you lied about being gay, and now I have a straight, hormone-crazed pervert living in my house!”

“I never said that I was gay,” he said. “I’m bisexual.”

Suddenly it all made sense. I did catch him watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives one time, a staple of the bisexual community.

I felt awful. I had been so ignorant, and I wanted to make it up to him.

“So hey, since you’re bi, what do you think about having a threesome with me and Chip?” I asked.

Adam grimaced, then stormed out of the room. As he slammed his bedroom door, I heard him scream, “I’m moving out!”

I did some Googling, and it turns out that just because a person is bisexual doesn’t mean they want to have sex with two people at once. HA. Good one, Google. I’m gonna try again tomorrow.

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