I’m not crazy. I understand the difference between right and wrong. And if somebody captured Rob Lowe, murdered him and made a jacket out of his skin it would be wrong. Wrong on so many levels.

First, you just can’t kidnap people. Second, murdering is bad. And lastly, it’s wrong to make a jacket out of someone’s skin. It doesn’t matter if that someone is a steely-eyed stud muffin. It is outright wrong to make a jacket out of someone’s skin. And being able to absorb Rob Lowe’s hunky goodness does not justify murder.

If anyone ever murdered Rob Lowe and made a jacket out of his skin, that person would need to be brought to justice. Really, that person would need to be made an example of. That person would need to be flogged and drug into the street and shot like a dog. There would be an annual 5K in memory of Rob Lowe with the hashtag: #NeverAgain. The event would be complete with t-shirts, hats, little rubber wristbands, and a video montage of Rob Lowe’s exquisite life. It is impossible to overstate just how wrong it is to make a jacket out of Rob Lowe’s skin.

This Rob Lowe skin jacket is like a designer jacket, only instead of fine Egyptian cotton, it’s made out of Rob Lowe’s tanned flesh.

However, if someone did make a jacket out of Rob Lowe’s skin, and if that person was brought to justice by the long arm of the law, it would be a waste not to wear the jacket. I think that we can all agree that. While it is wrong to make a jacket out of Rob Lowe’s skin, it would be pretty awesome to have a jacket made out of Rob Lowe’s skin.

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Let’s be absolutely clear: no one is saying it is right to make a jacket out of Rob Lowe’s skin. But if that jacket already existed, it would be pretty damn cool to wear it and osmose some of Rob Lowe’s striking masculinity.

I bet if you wore a Rob Lowe skin jacket to a bowling alley, you’d bowl a 300. If you wore a Rob Lowe skin jacket to a bar, the jukebox would not only play songs for free, but play songs that weren’t even in the jukebox. If you wore a Rob Lowe skin jacket to a meat market… well then, the butcher would give you $80 worth of veal for free.

What? Do you think the Rob Lowe skin jacket would be better off collecting dust in an LAPD evidence locker in a basement somewhere? Because I, for one, do not think that’s a good way to honor Rob Lowe.

Now I know some of you are going to say, “But why don’t we just bury Rob Lowe’s mangled skeleton in the Rob Lowe skin jacket.” And I can’t disagree, that is a pretty good argument. However, let’s assume who ever made the Rob Lowe skin jacket—you that person that we shot in the street—put the rest of Rob Lowe’s body in an incinerator. There is no mangled corpse to bury. You think we should just bury the jacket by itself. That’s pretty weird burying a jacket in a cemetery.

That is not the way to honor a jacket. If you had a fine designer Jacket, you wouldn’t bury it in the ground to honor it. You would wear it. And this Rob Lowe skin jacket is like a designer jacket, only instead of fine Egyptian cotton, it’s made out of Rob Lowe’s tanned flesh. The Rob Lowe skin jacket doesn’t belong in the ground, or in a pyre, or even with Rob Lowe’s mangled skeleton. So where does it belong?

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You might think the Rob Lowe skin jacket belongs in a museum with Abe Lincoln’s hat and John Dillinger’s Penis, on display for all to see. School groups could come and see the Rob Lowe skin jacket. They could read about the amazing exploits of Rob Lowe on the info cards below. The Rob Lowe skin jacket would be a gift for all mankind. But you’d be wrong to think that’s where the Rob Lowe Skin Jacket belongs. It doesn’t belong behind ten inches of glass, slowly losing its luster to flash photography (even though the sign clearly reads: NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY). The Rob Lowe skin jacket deserves to be worn, and loved. The Rob Lowe skin jacket deserves a companion. It deserves me.

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