Exciting news came at this year’s WWCD as Apple, always on the forefront of innovation, announced that they are finally going to help fight your phone addiction by having your high school bully threaten to kick your ass if you even steal a glance at your phone.

This is a monumental development for tech fans who admit that they have become dependent on their smartphones.

Picture this: you’re sitting in a meeting and feel a vibration in your pocket. You take a peek at your phone and WHAM! Next thing you know, Travis, who you haven’t seen in over a decade, is yanking your underwear over your head while your boss and work colleagues point and laugh. Instances like these will help curb behavior so that you will learn to quickly minimize your screen time.

More good news came when Apple CEO Tim Cook stated that iOS 12 will even make older phone models, like the iPhone 6S, run faster. “After the 6S is updated to the new OS, apps will launch 40% faster, the camera will start 70% faster, and texts that can be described as cyber-bullying will load 45% faster.” This is welcome news for those of us who are still reluctant to upgrade to newer iPhone models, but are eager to have our self-worth drastically lowered in an attempt to lessen the time we spend on our phones.

Cook also assured iPhone users that the bullying wouldn’t just be limited to simple ass-kickings. “Swirlies, wet-willies, the thing where you step on the back of someone’s shoe and it comes off, we used to call it ‘flat-tiring…’ It’ll all be in iOS 12.” Then he added with a smile, “Plus a few surprises.” That’s enough to get tech geeks like ourselves hooting and hollering with delight for what may be Apple’s most anticipated system update ever!

“I remember in high school my bully told my crush a false rumor that I was picking my nose during study hall, and then she canceled our plans to go to the spring fling dance together. Is this the kind of innovation we can expect from iOS 12?” one journalist asked.

“Absolutely,” Cook replied. “We are 100% committed to getting you to stop using the product you paid us hundreds of dollars to use.”

A multitude of other intriguing features for iOS 12 were unveiled during the conference, such as a new file format for sharing VR content, exciting Siri updates, and a new feature called Memoji (an animated emoji you can personalize to look like yourself), none of which can be used without your high school bully putting your physical/emotional welfare in jeopardy.

Many have already begun praising Apple’s decision to embrace nostalgia. In our adult lives, a lot of us have not been subjected to the kind of bullying we endured as teenagers. There is a whole untapped market of consumers who have grown wistful for the memories of their bodies changing in dramatic and confusing ways while more socially popular individuals made their lives a living Hell.

The decision for Apple to partner so closely with bullies is sure to leave a few people scratching their heads. After all, nerds and bullies are natural enemies. However, not unlike in Rocky III when rivals Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed teamed up, it may be time for jocks and nerds to join forces in the fight for better digital health. It’s just another instance of Rocky III influencing our everyday lives.

Apple’s choice to help kick phone addiction is a bold strategy, but so was naming the company after the favorite treat of worms, which are some of the scariest creatures on Earth (these miniature monsters love to crawl around on skeletons underground). Yet the name did not scare Apple in the slightest, as the company made their logo an apple with a bite taken out of it. This is of course meant to induce the terrifying thought of seeing a fat, wiggly worm poking out of the fruit just after you’ve taken your first chomp.

Only time will tell if iOS 12’s gambles pay off as well as the ones the company took when it first launched.


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