Q: Why doesn’t the Earth fall down?

A: The Earth does fall down. In fact, the Earth is constantly falling down. It’s a good thing too, because it would look pretty silly standing still, doing nothing. Gravity is a funny thing. An artiste! I’m serious.

You should see Gravity’s standup—really organic and deadpan. You can catch him at the open mic this Saturday night as part of a cluster of storytelling activities including bawdy jokes, sketches, and book burning. An uplifting hour!

Q: PINK STARBURST. Culinary genius?

A: Pink IS the best color/flavor. The red one is your basic, run-of-the-mill cherry flavor. But the pink tastes like strawberry dreams and rainbows, leather and jasmine, ice cream and scandal. It’s eye candy but for your mouth. The world unites when people consume the soft, chewy goodness.

Explosive brain colors

Q: Why is "holy" used before swear words?

A: Like holy cow?

Q: Is COW a swear word?!? I meant holy crap, holy shit—

A: Hahaha. I know. I just wanted you to swear for no reason. Talking heads prefer to surprise people with a punch of profanity. The expression "ohh crap" loses its impact fairly quickly. But if you pretend to be theological when tickling a funny bone and wind up being raunchily sacrilegious instead—you’ve offended AND entertained. Best of both worlds, really. Tease ‘em with purity, then raise holy hell.

See what I did there? It’s taboo and that’s why it’s a trend. Don’t waste the word "holy" like these common examples: holy smokes, holy cannoli, holy mackerel, holy bottled water, holy pee, holy chill cat, holy mother-in-law, and Holy Wacky Saying, Robin!

Q: Why do you want this job?

A: Well, I’ve always wanted to be a professional cuddler. More specifically, I‘ve always wanted to squeeze, tickle, and bear hug clients for a fixed rate. This service is about therapeutic benefits. Critics who denounce for-hire cuddling clearly had an indecent Snuggery. Not my fault. I nestle the law. Some cuddlers nuzzle clients far too long. This is unacceptable. My professional cuddling outfits are purple velour leisure tracksuits minus any scratchy appendages like pockets, zippers or socks. I offer 50 cuddle positions. My most popular is my KUDDLE SUTRA.

Q: Why do we yawn?

A: Because life is tragically boring. Because life can result in drowsiness and weariness. Wow. You’re making me yawn this very second. Stop it. I’m yawning too much now. Excessive yawning is unnatural. I’m worried about my high oxygen levels. Or… low oxygen levels?? Dammit. My lungs. Call a doctor, please. I’m losing alertness. Should I prepare for the onset of seizures? Does a lion yawn? A penguin?

I don’t want to be the answer part of this data anymore!

Q: Why do people climb towering skyscrapers?

A: These thrill-seekers, sponsored by Red Bull, are thirsty hikers whom are usually armed with GoPro cameras and little else. Each one of these self-proclaimed "urban ninjas" was molested by a stairwell. Don’t show them a picture of a staircase. Don’t. Don’t even stare. It’s too similar. I love watching their daring exploits on YouTube, especially when their reckless stunts criminally endanger treasured monuments. The Hostage Negotiation Team and other units are called in if the climbers need more Red Bull or a protein bar or something.

Q: Is the iPad a bad babysitter for children?

A: No! It’s the ideal babysitter. When your kid fumbles with these shiny Apple products in restaurants, churches, yoga day care, and on long flights: who is actually overseeing their every child-like move? Not you, that’s for sure. You’re too busy looking at your cellphone. The iPad was taking care of your children all along. You might as well go ahead and introduce these tablets as "The Babysitter."

The only part in your children’s development that would be considered dangerous is if they dropped the iPad into their classic baked macaroni and cheese. Nobody wants that. Bad toddlers.

Q: Why do I cry?

A: Your eyes are constantly producing tears because of that one guy you will meet as a freshman in college. Oh, you don’t know who I mean? You’re a dude? Great! Doesn’t matter. He exists. He’s terrible for you, but you’ll fall anyway. No sad movie or chopped onion will ever produce the same emotional state. One night you will cry for over five hours, which is the longest cry on record, by the way, but you won’t care about all that, even when you’re being deemed the international winner. You should immediately stop reading this and buy stock in Kleenex Brand Facial Tissues. I think his first name’s Dziurawiec or Tom. Here’s the truth: Nope, I’ve completely blanked on his name. I can envision his Ivy League lizard mouth. Maybe you will share coursework? In any regard, this man, What’s-His-Name, will absolutely destroy you.

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