Hi, I just want to start by apologizing for blocking you on Facebook last week. I did it out of anger due to your recent cancellation of our relationship. Yes, I know it might seem drastic, but I respond to any sort of difficult social interaction by unfriending the other party on Facebook. It wasn’t about you, okay?

I’d like you to know that despite blocking you on Facebook, I have come to the decision that we should still sleep together.

Please hear me out — I don’t see why we can’t continue to do sex even though I’ve terminated our Facebook friendship. After all, it’s called “friends with benefits,” not “Facebook friends with benefits.” In fact, I think it might be easier for us to have sex now that we’re not Facebook official. I don’t have to worry about you seeing any hate posts I make about you. So we should probs start having casual sex again.

I only ever really thought of you as a casual hang anyway. I was totes kidding all those times I brought up marriage.

I know you said that you didn’t want us to keep having sex because you’re worried I’m too attached to you. However, I want you to know that it’s not an issue for me because I’m completely over you romantically, which might not be clear to you, because of course you haven’t seen my Facebook statuses stating as much. But if we were still friends on Facebook, you would have seen me post “I don’t need no man” the day after you dumped me. And by “no man,” I was referring to you, which I later clarified in the comments. I should have thought to send you a screenshot of that earlier so you’d know I wasn’t hung up on the breakup, except I forgot that I’d defriended you on Facebook, because I haven’t been thinking about you at all.

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I guess my one concern with defriending you is that you won’t be able to see all the funny, witty things I post on Facebook, many of which I’d like you to reference in bed. I have a solution for you though: I’ll just text you everything I post on Facebook.

So I think we should have sex.

You probably think blocking you was excessive. However, I sent you 49 dramatic drunk Facebook messages after our breakup, and I had to block you so that when you receive them it will say from “Facebook User,” instead of my name.

I think we should keep sleeping together, though, because I only ever really thought of you as a casual hang anyway. I was totes kidding all those times I brought up marriage.

Do you want to come over now?

I admit that I might have been too quick to pull the cord on our Facebook friendship. I needed to do it so you wouldn’t get notifications from me that I wish I hadn’t sent. In the instant that you broke up with me, I first removed you as my boyfriend on Facebook, then re-requested you as my boyfriend, then deleted the relationship request, all while you were explaining to me why you didn’t want to be with me anymore, which I regret, because I’m still in the dark.

What’s there not to like about me?! I am sane and fun.

Can we continue with the intercourse?

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