I really hate that I have to gather all of you here together like this.

You are my friends and family. I love you, and I thought you loved me. This is really a simple concept, and we shouldn’t be having this conversation, at all. It's just that this is the most important day of my life, and I thought you would want to be there for me.

So why is it that when I text you about the dress budget I only get one response out of the fifteen of you?

That response, by the way, was so incredibly unsupportive: “Maybe we shouldn’t spend $1,000 on our dresses since it’s already a destination wedding.” Are you serious?! $1,000 for a dress is nothing. My grandma spent $10,000 on my wedding dress and she doesn’t even work anymore!

Honestly, I thought I knew you. I really thought I knew you. You saw what happened when Caitlyn said she “couldn’t fly to Europe because she’s pregnant.” Gone. Done. Out of the wedding. So answer my fucking texts and maybe you’ll get to stay in the wedding.

It is a privilege to be in this wedding. Caitlyn decided to squander that opportunity by deliberately getting pregnant, and making sure all eyes would be on her. I’m not falling for her bullshit.

When I called her out, the only responses I got were, “congratulations Caitlyn??” and “you've been trying for so long this is amazing!” No. Respond to my texts, not hers. I don't want to hear her name again, understood?

So many people were crushed when I said they couldn’t be in the wedding. My so-called “best friend” of 12 years cried when I said she couldn’t go because the dresses are pink and she looks terrible in pink. If she were actually my friend she would’ve understood and withdrawn herself. Consider yourselves lucky!

While I have you all here I want to discuss my surprise bachelorette party. I can’t wait to see what you throw for me! I do have some hints for what I would love:

  • No dive bars
  • Must be trendy
  • Nothing cheap! It’s my big day, we should splurge
  • Must be classy
  • Ideally, we’d start at 7 pm and go until whenever
  • Table for 16 at the rooftop bar at the W hotel
  • I’ve made the reservation
  • A drag show after
  • I got the tickets

I can’t wait to see what you’ve come up with!

I sent out another text to all of you last night. I get that 3 am is late, but that’s why I made all of you set your text tones to the sound of your children crying! Since you all claim you didn’t see it, I’ll repeat it. It’s my day, I shouldn’t have to pay for my plane ticket to my destination wedding. I don’t think it’s asking a lot for you to pay for a first class ticket to Italy. You’d all be chipping in so it’s hardly any money at all! We’re already paying for your food and alcohol at the wedding so really I don’t see what the big deal is.

We just decided on the hotel, by the way. We got a great deal! $500 a night is a steal. I love all of you, so I’m not making you share a room. You’ll all get your own rooms, isn’t that great? This is why I texted you to remind you to bring your checkbooks. Which, again, went unanswered. Normally I'd be reasonable, but we're in a bit of a bind after we booked all those hotel rooms for you, so we need the money. Well, really, my mom booked it, but she would want me to have the money.

This honestly could’ve been handled so much easier through text, but since none of you seem to have working phones I had to go out of my way to gather everyone here. It’s a waste of my time. Just answer my texts right away and we won’t have this fucking problem, understood?

I’ve been planning this day ever since my second date with Dean and I will not have it ruined by some ungrateful bitches who put up a fight whenever I ask for a brunch bill to be paid for.

Speaking of, since it's your fault that I had to call you all to this brunch, it’s only fair that you cover the bill, thanks loves!

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