We all know Lucasfilm was acquired by Disney back in 2012. But what if, due to some Satanic Hollywood power lunch, it had been acquired by Sony Pictures, which would then have made Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens? What would have happened to our beloved film?
Let’s look in on the boardroom of Sony Pictures just after the hypothetical acquisition.
President: Excellent. The potentially biggest-grossing film of all time laid at our doorstep. The Prince of Darkness delivered the goods, just as he said. But we can make our stockholders even happier and completely destroy any shred of artistic integrity we may have left all with this one ingenious masterstroke. Are you ready for this? We combine Star Wars 7 with Star Trek 13 and Super Troopers 2 all into ONE GIGANTIC MEGA-BLOCKBUSTER.
Vice President: But how could we do that??
President: SILENCE! With an assload of Scotch tape. That’s how. We’ve already filmed the tentative opening scene. Projectionist, if you please…
The boardroom darkens as this nightmarish apparition appears to all present. A hip hop medley of all the themes is heard as a slowly-crawling block of text starts at the bottom of the screen. "A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, there was space, the final one-liter cola…"
Princess Leia: Help me, Obi-Wan! I can’t decide which Obamacare option I want on this stupid website…
Obi-Wan: Hmmm, here’s one with annual breast exams.
Kirk: I’ll help you with…that…Princess.
Princess Leia: In your dreams, fat boy. Besides, aren’t you dead?
Kirk: Not in the alternative reality of the prequels.
Princess Leia: Touch my boobies and you’ll need alternative balls when I cut yours off.
Kirk: Ouch, seems like we…got off on…the wrong…foot. Let’s start…over. Nice…crown.
Princess Leia: Blow it out your ass, fat boy. And why do you talk that way? Have you got Tourette’s or something?
Kirk: I have…to. It’s in my…contract.
Farva: Donut, anyone?
Kirk: I…believe I…will. Are there any…cream…filled?
(Red alert sounds)
Picard: Report, science officer.
Data: Captain, there appears to be a mass of abnormal gamma radiation emanating from deep space.
Picard: Can you pinpoint the source?
Data: It appears to be emanating from the Romulan neutral zone.
Picard: Battle stations! Arm the shields!
Kirk: Hey, who the hell do you think…you…are? You have no…authority…here. Belay that…order!
Farva: Did you try the chocolate ones?
Kirk: Ooooh, you’ve got…chocolate?
Picard: You will carry out my order, helmsman. You’re the one with no authority, Kirk. Everybody knows I was the better starship captain. And besides, your lame-ass Priceline commercials suck!
Kirk: Nom…nom…chocolate. Have you…got… any maple…ones?
Luke Skywalker: Actually, neither of you has any authority here. That gamma radiation field is actually from the Disembowelment Star, the 4G upgrade of the Death Star. Han and I are the only ones who know how to deal with this shit. AND we sold a lot more toys and merchandise than you losers. So I think you should shut the hell up and sit down.
Farva: Oh yeah? Well, MY authority comes from the 12th precinct and I can write ALL of your asses tickets. Princess Leia, indecent exposure, $200, not that I’m saying it’s a bad thing. Nice crown, by the way. Picard, speaking with an annoying British accent, $1000. Kirk, grazing on public property, $500. Skywalker and Solo, well, technically you didn’t actually violate any laws…
Han Solo: Ha ha! That’s right. So what can you do? Ha ha!
Farva: I can still shoot your asses with complete impunity.
Han Solo: Okay, good point. And we are shutting up now. Have you got any more raspberry filled?
Farva: I thought so. And one liter of cola for cooperating. The rest of you losers pay the clerk on your way out.
(Throne room sequence: Princess Leia presents Hawaiian leis and Subway gift cards to all as Farva serves more donuts.)