Afghanistan 

“This Taliban hiring discrimination against Patriots fans is bullshit. Am I right? Well, I dunno. I guess they’ve gotta draw the line somewhere.”

Andorra

“What am I? A sweater? I look like something Miley Cyrus would wear to a bat mitzvah. Seriously?”

Azerbaijan

“So? Where’s all the Azerbai-hookers?”

Bosnia and Herzegovina

Bosnia: “So, she always sets the sleep number to 10,000 and she hogs the covers so much I feel like my own barren plains.”

Herzegovina: “Fuck you! I’m going to my mom’s!”

Botswana

“What’s up with all this Captcha shit? Of course I’m a bot. Duh.”

Brazil

“They said this procedure would be painless. Fucking shit, give me hydros NOW!!”

Bulgaria

“I call bulshit.”

Cameroon

“Bummer, ya’ll. Can’t eat myself because I’m doing Atkins.”

Canada

“My God! It’s 58 degrees! It’s so hot I’m making my own gravy!”

Chad

“I’m NOT HIM, okay? I’m a sovereign African republic. I hate those fucking songs as much as you do.”

Chile

“So, what’s up with beans? I thought I was chili con carne, not chili con tasteless, bland filler from hell.”

China

“So, it’s an hour later and I’m fucking hungry again.”

Colombia

“Not that I’m complaining, but hasn’t this Bob Marley song repeated like 12,000 times?”

Republic of the Congo

“So, isn’t that just a little redundant? Like, what would I be? Fucking end table of the Congo?

Cuba

“Sure, NOW you want our cigars.”

England

“So I’m getting beer at a 7-11 and the dude tries to card me. I’m like ‘Really? You DO realize my storied history dates back to medieval times, right?’”

Estonia

“Not that I’m complaining, but hasn’t this Bob Marley song repeated like 12,000 times?”

France

“I surrender! Nice, huh? I’ll talk slower for the wine provinces in the back.”

Finland

“So, how many dorsals are here tonight? Just fan.”

Georgia

“Yeah, it kinda sucks that they mix me up with that other one, ya know. So, what? Do I LOOK like my populace is 73% farm animals?”

RELATED:  Brutally Honest Marketing Copy for 13 Companies You Love to Hate

Germany

“Hey, we’ve still got potato salad. There’s that.”

Greece

“Was gonna change my name to Republic of Ronald Reagan’s Exhumed Hair, but Crisco Inc filed a restraining order. Yeah, okay, I’ll talk slower for the ancient city-states in back.”

Guatemala

“Dammit, I’m a sovereign Central American nation, not a salad vegetable.”

Holy See

“You think it’s any fun having a name like this? You try getting into a strip club with my ID. ‘Hmmm, Holy See, huh? The seat of all moral and ethical authority and dominion of the Holy Catholic Church. Sure, go on in. Hypocrite. Not like you’re gonna burn in HELL or anything, right?’”

Hungary

“You’re SO fucking funny! YOU call Domino’s.”

Iceland

“So, I put an ad on Tinder and said I could Host. Hey, don’t be an icehole. Do I come to your work and melt on your broom?”

Iran

“So, what’s up with this burka shit? What was I fucking thinking? Where’s that shit when we really need it, like when Mitch McConnell is getting out of the pool? Am I right?”

Ireland

(Gets tanked on $2 draws. Forgets to go on stage. Vomits on waitress and calls Uber.)

Israel

“So, I’m expanding my borders to your house. What you gonna do? Bahaha! Hey, if you had a strip filled with Palestinians, you might be a little edgy too.”

Italy

“So, I just called Comcast and asked if there’s an extra charge for Rome-ing? …Hello? What are you? An audience or a Michelangelo painting?”

Japan

“Wow, tough loom.”

North Korea

“So, what’s up with this Trump asshole? I mean, what is that? His hair or a 4th grade science experiment in random fractal chaos theory gone horribly horribly wrong? But seriously, Kaboom! Bahaha! I kid, I kid.

Maldives

“OK, I’m no Louis C.K., but I’m delicious on baked potatoes with sour cream. A little condiment humor there. Don’t make me call security.”

Mauritius

“Next on Maury: Dinosaurs with eating disorders and the women who love them, if indeed they are women.”

Mexico

RELATED:  Four Killer Dating Tips for Guys

“We’ve still got beans. No one can take that away!” (Trump issues executive order commandeering Mexican bean harvest for perpetuity.)

Micronesia

“So, I’m so fucking tiny Vermont was like ‘Really? Seriously?’”

Namibia

“Jesus, this is humiliating. I can’t even spell my own name. Who knew Trump would cut a deal with Merriam-Webster to have it officially changed?”

Niger

“Wassup, my ni… Oh, shit, WRONG rally.”

Oman

“Remember me from that movie? Omen 4: Steve Bannon Makes a Phone Call.”

Paraguay

“Yeah, I’ve seen that fucking margarine commercial too. Shut the fuck up, motherfuckers.”

Russia

“What’s up with these stupid-ass hats? Shit looks like anteaters got knocked up by Gene Shalit. Really, Walmart? And what’s the big deal about vodka? It’s made from fucking potatoes. How good can liquefied French fries be? Jesus.”

Rwanda

“Dammit, I’m a sovereign nation, not a character from Good Times.”

Switzerland

“Hey, if you got a wink from Caitlyn Jenner on Tinder, you’d be neutral too.”

Tanzania

“Yeah, I know it’s a stupid name for a country. I sound like a fucking tanning salon. All I know is your mom gets 25% off her first session. Hey, shut up in back!”

Thailand

“Dammit, I’m a sovereign nation, not a boutique in the Bloomington Mall.”

Timor-Leste

“So, Timmy, have you even been in Turkish prison?”

Sandwich Islands

“So, do I come with chips or fries?”

Tunisia

“So, do I come with chips or fries?” (Bludgeoned to death by Last Comic Standing judges.)

Turkey                                             

“So, do I come with chips or fries?” (Bludgeoned to death by Last Comic Standing judges who then condemn descendants to watch Amy Poehler specials until the end of time.)

United Arab Emirates

“So, why are there no Separated Arab Emirates? What’s up with that?” (Bludgeoned to death by Jerry Seinfeld.)

United States

“So, how are y’all doing tonight? Are y’all in a good mood? Not anymore, huh?”

Uruguay

“What am I? A country or a body part in the excretory system?”

Uzbekistan

“Hey, can I get some more ooze over here? Seriously.”

Suggested next: