trump: hey, is he picking on you

postal service: no

trump: then why did i see you give him your lunch money

postal service: it was nothing

trump: that was not nothing

postal service: can’t you just ask my how my day was like a normal parent

trump: how was your day

postal service: i don’t wanna talk about it


amazon: is your dad pissed

postal service: it’s fine

amazon: oh. okay

postal service: yeah

amazon: can we—

postal service: not here


trump: i saw what happened. i saw that punk push you against the lockers

postal service: dad why did you come into the school

trump: don’t change the subject

postal service: it was nothing. we were just messing around

trump: do you want me to say something to him?

postal service: please dad no

trump: you know his dad is a big jerk right? that’s where he gets it

postal service: i think his dad’s pretty nice

trump: not to me he’s not


jeff bezos: hi

trump: hey jeff. I’m calling to talk about your son. i think he’s been bullying—

jeff bezos hangs up

trump: hello?


alexa: you and my brother are more than friends aren’t you

postal service: no, what are you talking about

alexa: you know i’m always listening, right?


trump: let me see your neck

postal service: dad stop, plz

trump: let me see your neck

trump pulls down postal’s service turtleneck

trump: jesus christ, he bit you didn’t he

postal service: no it’s a burn mark

trump: oh, a burn mark? a burn mark? from what exactly?

postal service: something hot


trump: jeff if you hang up on me i will have to talk directly to your—

jeff bezos hangs up 


trump: i understand you know my son pretty well

amazon: um yeah i guess. i mean we have class together

trump: you think it’s okay to bully him?

amazon: i’m gonna be late to—

trump: if i find another bite mark on my son, you will be hearing from my lawyer, do you understand me?

amazon: listen I think you should talk to your son. also didn’t your lawyer quit

trump: beat it, punk!


postal service: dad you don’t understand

trump: do you think I’m just gonna keep giving you money knowing you’re giving it to a bully? do you think I’m just gonna bail you out?

postal service: your dad gave you money

trump: don’t change the subject

postal service: dad you smell like alcohol. it’s 3:30

trump: i’m gonna call jeff


jeff bezos’ voicemail: sorry i can’t come to the phone right now, but leave your name and number and i’ll give you a call back. also, hey trump, go fuck yourself

trump: i hate you jeff bezos!!!


amazon: i brought you a “package”

amazon grins sheepishly

postal service: okay, really?

amazon hands postal service a green bag marked “fresh”

postal service: thanks as always for going out and getting this. it’s so much better than the crap they serve in the cafeteria

amazon: the only thanks i’ll accept is a kiss

postal service: right here? what if someone sees

amazon: let them

postal service: i’m nervous

amazon: me too

they kiss


trump: holy shit

he lowers the binoculars

trump: you are so grounded


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