You guys have to leave me alone. Look, there’s been a misunderstanding here. While I sort of appreciate your enthusiasm, I am not on your side and I am certainly not your next Presidential candidate. I don’t even do elections, I’m Skeletor for crying out loud!

Frankly, I'm mystified by your support for my agenda, which includes the conquest of your planet and the complete subjugation of its peoples. I, at the head of my Evil Horde, have conquered many worlds throughout the cosmos! I expect residents of such worlds to despair when they behold the terrible splendor of my unstoppable sorcery, to cower in the presence of their own inescapable doom, I definitely do not expect them to be so…into me, like you guys are.

I find it very awkward, if I can be honest.

When I used the Cosmic Key to open an interdimensional portal to Earth, I never could have anticipated that I would be confronted by an enormous crowd of you people cheerfully applauding and shouting, chanting my name, wearing red hats with the words “Make America Greater Again!” First of all, that’s not my slogan. My slogan is “I am the Alpha and the Omega. Death and rebirth. And, as you die, so will I be reborn!” And when I told you this, you printed that on hats! It’s too many words! The font is too small for a hat!

No matter what I say, even when using my most sinister tone of voice, you keep cheering me on. No matter what I do, you keep supporting me. I don’t understand! When I say, “I help no one but myself!”, you cheer! Why!? That means I won’t help you! Even when I blatantly say, “Everything I do is for the sake of Evil!” you cheer! And when I proclaimed “This is how it ends! With Skeletor triumphant at last!” you put that as the top plank of the Republican Party Platform for 2020!

When I announced my scheme to kidnap the Sorceress of Grayskull so that I could at long last seize control of her powers, transforming myself into a living God so that I could establish an Empire of Evil across the Universe, CNN reported that a recent Marist poll revealed that 78% of you “strongly approved” of the idea. No, no, no! You’re not supposed to like it!

You’re taking all the fun out of being an intergalactic villain!

Oh, how you confound me! And now, with that notorious hero, the bane of my existence, He-Man, showing up to fight me and save Earth from my wrath, you still declare allegiance to me instead of siding with your would-be savior. Your media platforms keep declaring that He-Man is against family values due to his lack of clothing, but meanwhile I am the one seeking to actually annihilate families. Your families!

And all of these yammering fools keep going on and on about how He-Man is unfairly maligning me and that he’s the real bad guy because he improperly deleted scrolls back in the Royal Palace on Eternia. Alright, sure, they have bad record keeping, but I’m over here trying to tear asunder the fabric of time and space! Come on!

Even your leaders are trying to get cozy with me. I mean, I swear to Hordak, I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday and I saw Paul Ryan watching me sleep. How did he get into my house? How did he know what my favorite breakfast was and why did he bring it to me in bed? It’s creepy! You’re all creeping me the fuck out!

I’m sorry, I know you mean well, but I need to be clear: We. Are. Not. On. The. Same. Side! My policies are designed to hurt you and enrich myself! Stop retweeting them with encouraging words! Stop following me around and stop throwing rallies for me when I’m trying to obliterate your civilization! It’s very distracting and I just feel very uncomfortable about the whole situation.

Sincerely,

Skeletor, Overlord of Evil


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