I don’t want to argue, but I can already tell this is going to be a thing.

I’m not sure how or why this happened but I can promise you it wasn’t my fault. I can’t control that the best part of a yogurt cup lays innocently atop the chaotic Hellscape that is its aluminum lid. Let’s just be a team like we talked about and get this hiccup sorted out before I exsanguinate.


1. Calm Down

Okay, I know there’s “a lot” of blood. Yes, I know it’s all over the wool carpeting we had installed last week. I’ve already put a down payment on a Stanley Steamer unit and as soon as I’m patched up, I will personally get to work cleaning my blood from the precious flooring addition you so adamantly thought would bring the space together.

For the time being, I stumbled across an article on WebMD about keeping your blood pressure low while you’re actively hemorrhaging, so please respect the words of the wise and quit marshin' my mellow. For the record, this blood wouldn’t be a problem if we stuck with the textured linoleum the condo came with. Just saying.


2. Don’t Bring Up The Last Time This Happened

Yeah, this has happened before, and no we don’t need to talk about it. Have I brought up the way you continually lose the twisty ties to the bread? I haven’t, because I’m conscious of what it means to be human. I know what it means to make mistakes. I’m someone that eats slightly stale bread and thinks, “hey, you know what? We’re just here in this life for a mere blink of an existence and any time spent in anger is time wasted.”

Besides, I feel like I’ve been on a pretty good kick lately. My resume happens to be passing through some very important digital hands on ZipRecruiter and it’s only a matter of time before the calls start rolling in.


3. Cancel Our 3:00 With Dr. Feldstein

Apologies to our marriage counselor, but our $50 copay is going to an actual doctor today. She might have a PhD from Penn State but I can guarantee that her psychoanalytic, “do you feel like your husband hears you” mumbo-jumbo curriculum taught her little to nothing about real-world issues like laceration repair.


4. Bring The Good Auxillary Cable So I Can Finish This Joe Rogan Podcast Episode On The Way To The Hospital

Joey Coco Diaz is about to tell us about the time he did cocaine with a group of Mediterranean firefighters. Enough said. Honestly, I think that podcast speaks some real truths about the nature of things, truths I don’t think you get from your NPR. All Things Considered? How about the possibility of some deeper level of consciousness sitting right in front of us all along. When Audie Cornish has been through an ayahuasca ceremony in the belly of the Amazon rainforest, I’ll start to consider her things, but right now it's training by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.


5. Stop Buying the Damn Yogurt

I didn’t want to say it but maybe this wouldn’t keep happening if someone stopped blowing our budget on all this BOGO greek yogurt. Things have been tight lately, with your student loans and my Alpha Brain subscription payments, and I wouldn’t have my essence literally draining from me right now if you didn’t break out the debit card at the mere sight of cheap cultured dairy. I didn’t buy that jet ski, did I?

Now let’s go, I’m on the last paper towel roll.


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