Throughout my life I have had many goals: soccer player, good student, drummer, gym teacher, guy who toasts bagels, etc. But in the wake of my most recent goal, they have all eroded and I now see my life as having been misguided because now I know for sure that I seriously can’t wait to break your arm.

There have been previous opportunities that failed me. You may have noticed these failed attempts. You may have realized something strange, namely my feet sticking out from behind your television stand when you got home from work last night. I had planned to hide behind your television stand and then like, jump out and fucking break the shit out that arm. But I fell asleep. And you saw the feet. And well done. For you escaped a broken arm—then.

I am not ashamed to admit a further attempt in the form of the "mystery box" in your bedroom. Yes, that was just a cardboard refrigerator box with an accomplice of mine, waiting with the instruction to kick that arm, son, kick it until it breaks. Congratulations on not giving in to mystery, because in that case the mystery was a broken arm. And no one’s looking to solve that mystery. You escaped a broken arm—then.

Rods and cranks machine
[YOUR ARM HERE, PLEASE]
Likewise we should not forget the "arm massager" that I installed in your kitchen. You were right to distrust that contraption, because it was obviously a series of rods and cranking mechanisms. You escaped a broken arm—then.

Then but not now. Now I’m going to bust it up real good. Totally break it. Only question is: Do I hit it with something or like bend it all weird angles? I kind of want to do something where I like, act like your arm is one of those old telephones and I am cranking up to dial. Maybe say something like "calling all cars, calling all cars" while snapping your arm backwards, ripping tendons off the bone and breaking it multiple times (following some reflection, for now I will stick with "calling all cars" but I maintain my right to use "whoooaaa doctor" and/or "holy moly," spoken aloud while breaking one or more bones in your arm).

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Whichever way I choose to break your arm, and whatever I say while breaking it, it’s going to happen. I’m a man who says he’s going to break an arm and he does it. I’m a simple man, and I like simple things and I can’t wait to break your arm.

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