I sit there uncomfortably as she unzips me. Eager is good. I like eager. But not when the woman reminds you of a salivating dog waiting for Pavlov’s bell. Yes, I understand my desire for pleasure is a raging river overpowering my entire body at this moment, but she just spit on my dick. What kind of animal spits on a man’s dick?

It’s true, lovemaking can be painful at times. Two mammals entwining their bodies together like tree branches in a hurricane. While sex has the potential to feel like poetry, it often feels more like a trip to the dentist.

In her haste, I think there’s a chance she actually broke my zipper. It appeared as if she had never operated one before.

But her head is already making its way, with great force may I add, further into my lap. Deep throating would be a mild term for what this woman is doing. She somehow has both my dick and one of my testicles inside of her mouth.

She finally removes my family jewels from what apparently is her dick hole and then proceeds to ask the preposterous question, “Did you like that?”Make that both of my testicles. She is sucking on both my balls. And my dick. How is this possible? I’m not on porn star level in the size department, but it’s not like I’m sporting a baby carrot with snow peas as a side. Is she enjoying this? I know I’m not. Playing shove it all in your mouth at once doesn’t exactly equal pleasure.

It’s kind of cramped in there. I can feel my asshole trying to run for cover. If this is at all possible, I think my asshole might be on my lower back by this point.

She’s not even moving her head. It’s like she’s the fat kid in the pool at camp who is trying to impress everyone with how long they can hold their breath.

“You aren’t fooling anyone, Alex! We all know you can’t swim.”

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Is she ever going to come up for air? By no means am I impressed, but now I’m a little concerned. Does she plan on living her final moments with my manhood, in its entirety, in her mouth?

Just when I am beginning to get concerned, I hear a noise coming from my crotchal region.

“Gla fla bli da goo.”

NO SHE ISN’T! This bitch is trying to talk to me with my dick in her mouth!

“OOOH bli da goo!”

And she’s trying to sound sexy while doing it!

Now, if I were a woman, this situation would be less complicated to remove myself from. “I’m sorry, I’m starting to get a headache.” The ultimate get out of sex free card. But as a man, I’m not aloud to take my privates out of a woman’s mouth unless the building is on fire.

Where are my matches?

To my relief, she finally removes my family jewels from what apparently is her dick hole and then proceeds to ask the inevitable, yet preposterous question…

“Did you like that?”

Have you ever noticed how confident women are in their ability to give a man oral pleasure? “I’m like really good.” Almost every woman who is willing to give head thinks she is the shit at going down. It’s as if no one has ever bothered to tell them that a man is so ecstatic that you are willing to taste his disgusting penis, there is no way he is not going to praise you for it. Ladies, a lot of you are terrible at blowjobs. This is a fact. But men lying about this has become such an issue in our country, that if a girl tells you she’s not good, it can only mean one of two things:

  1. She’s trying really hard to get out of sucking your dick.
  2. She has a zombie/vampire dick-sucking technique that you should stay the hell away from.

Why a woman would ever put my throbbing shaft inside her mouth is a mystery to me. So I am obligated, even if the experience was traumatizing, to tell that lady of orality that she’s the best I’ve ever had. Regardless of the fact that the event, which just ensued, made me question ever having sex again.

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Oh shit! I still have to have sex with this girl…

What if her vagina is as hungry as her mouth was? I can feel my asshole racing toward my shoulder blades. I’m still in the middle of the “yeah, that was great” speech and she’s already halfway up my torso with her chompers eyeing my areolas. Now I understand that we are part of a sexually progressive society. This is something I often celebrate. In our attempt to say “fuck you” to abstinence, we have explored the many hills and valleys of sexual desire.

But isn’t there a moment where we can just admit that we’ve gone too far? When a woman thinks it’s okay to bite a man’s nipple—a man (and nipple) she just met that night at a bar mitzvah might I add—to the point where blood is flowing down past her lips and onto his stomach, we have gone too far!

“Do you like that?” she says while rubbing her hand down my face with an attempt at a sexy laugh, which just screams “I’m a crazy bitch.”

There are no words to express the amount of mental agony in my brain right now. Neuroscientists like to say that our brains can handle so much more than we give them credit for. Well let me tell you, all 85 billion neurons that make up my cognitive being are freaking the fuck out in this moment.

What does a man say in this situation? I don’t know, so I say the only thing I’ve ever heard that works to get out of a predicament like this one:

“I’m sorry I have a headache. And sadly, the building is on fire.”

A Jewish boy became a man tonight. And somehow, I allowed myself to lose a little piece of my manhood on this same evening. For that, I only have one thing to say:

“Mazel tov, bitches!”

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