How to Be a PIC Writer

So you want to be a PIC Writer, do ya? I’ll bet you do. I remember sitting where you are right now (not literally, but in front of a PC nonetheless) reading the hilarity on PIC and thinking, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could be funny, too?” Then I started thinking that if you mesh “wouldn’t” and “it” together when saying it out loud, it sounds like “wouldn’t tit.” Then I started thinking about tits, looked at some on the internet, and decided I should write funny articles.

The problem was, I didn’t really know how to begin writing the funny. Sure, when I’m around a group of people, I’m the funniest person around, hands down. Everybody flocks to wherever I am and they hang on my every last word, gasping for air as their bellies ache and their mouths stretch open a little wider to let out a little more laughter. So, naturally, I sat down at my PC and had a conversation with myself. It went like this:

Me: Hey Brain, start with the funny. Make the hands and fingers do that typing thing so I can get on PIC.
Brain: Well, what should I write about?
Me: Hey Brain, I don’t know, that’s why I fucking pay you.
Brain: You don’t pay me shit, bro. How about college roommates?
Me: Sounds good, but it needs some work. Can you talk about the differences between living with guys and girls?
Brain: You heard the man, hands. Fingers, start the typing.

I figured I’d save you the headache of arguing with your brain, and give you some instructions on how to become a PIC writer. Pay attention, I’m only going to go over this once.

Go To College

It’s an easy place to start. It’s easy because not only will your friends do the dumbest shit this side of the Milky Way galaxy, but you will, too. And, after they do these things, you can humiliate them on the internet. When I was in college, all out hilarity ensued on a daily basis. From daring each other to eat the “super hybrid chilis” grown in the cafeteria garden, to dousing the Indian kid’s hat with water and freezing it, there was plenty for me to write about now. If you haven’t already read about Randy Spellner, you should. He was my college roommate my freshman year.

Don’t Get a Job

Getting a job is useless, anyway. There are plenty of things you can do to pay off your college loans, car payment, car insurance, rent, cable, internet, and cell phone bills. Also, if you have any actual alternative ideas in order to do so, I’d like to hear them. And don’t comment that I should sell my body. I don’t want to sell drugs either, pothead. Getting a job will only get in the way of writing funny, witty, and influential articles for PIC. Having a job means you have less time to conjure up stories, or participate in dubious activities which will later serve as a basis for the next front page article.

“Study” Other PIC Writers

It’s a good idea to know what PIC readers like. Take a look at some other writers’ articles and read the comments. When you can, be sure to name drop some of the more popular PIC writers’ names in your articles, like Nathan DeGraaf or Nick Gaudio, so Court can link to either their blog or one of their funny articles. Court has probably already linked the above text to the time Nate wrote this exact same article. If you don’t believe me, click the link above. If you can, rip off a topic another PIC writer has already written about, but call attention to the fact that you ripped them off while making fun of yourself. This way, they can’t get mad at you for ripping them off. The last thing you want is to end up on the receiving end of a verbal onslaught from Nick Gaudio in the comment box.

Create an Online Persona

This is important, because to be honest, you’re probably too boring a person to be successful on PIC. Chances are you’re the only person on the face of the earth that thinks you’re funny, too. That’s okay, though. You just need to create an angle. A “character” if you will. Something that will make you seem interesting, with a unique point of view. Maybe you hate woman because you’re ugly. Maybe your dick is little. So instead of stalking women and burying them in the nearest rock quarry after you’ve raped and killed them, you can proclaim your extreme hate for them on PIC instead.

Also, when I said rock quarry, what I really meant were forests nowhere near any rock quarries. Don’t check rock quarry’s, there’s nothing there.

Write a Good Bio

One of the first things Court asks you to do when you submit an article for the front page is to write a short bio about yourself. There are two schools of thought about how to do this. They’ve probably been debated and argued over for years.

The first is to be arrogant, self-righteous, and cocky; that’s the approach yours truly took. Write about how awesome you are and how you’ve banged a bunch of women. Shit, tell everybody you’re the Mayor of FuckingAwesomeVille, USA. Anything that will make you look like a badass is good. This portrays you as a role model for all college students and cements your place as a folk hero.

However, you could always go the other way. Making fun of yourself and your lack of motivation, as well as the fact that although you’ve graduated from college, you’re either homeless, or living with your parents shows that you’re humble, and you can relate to the average/below average college student.

Make a List

Whatever you do, just turn it into a list. Almost every article on PIC is a list. Just think of something that would be super cool to do, and just start writing down reasons you should do it. You could even write reasons on HOW TO do it. For example, How to Survive College Without a Helmet, How to Not Get Laid, How to Organize Your Buddy List, and finally, How to Be a PIC Writer (you’re already here). These are just a few examples of the BEST lists available on PIC.

And, they’re fucking funny, too.

Submit Three Articles at a Time

It’s the law of averages people. That’s why there are three strikes in baseball and California. Chances are, if you swing three times, you might hit a homerun. Besides, if you submit three of your shitty articles at one time, Court might feel bad that you spent all of your time writing and publish one on the front page—after he adds the funny, of course. At least that’s how I did it.

Follow these simple rules and you’ll be on your way to stardom and up to your ears in more pussy than you’ll know what do with. Or, you’ll just write funny articles for PIC while you’re at work, without any of the stardom or pussy. I guess it just depends on how funny you are.