If you’re in your upper 30’s or perhaps even your early to mid-40’s, then you’ve probably already realized that your life is a complete failure and that nothing is ever going to get better. You feel tired and worn out all the time, your job sucks, your marriage isn’t going very well, and your children are ugly and stupid.

At this point, you may begin to feel that there is no hope. Opportunities for change rarely come along, you feel trapped by your circumstances in life, years begin going faster, staying in shape becomes much harder, you notice a few grey hairs when you look in the mirror, and hobbies that you used to enjoy no longer provide meaning or enjoyment.

In other words, your feeling is correct: there is no hope.

And that’s exactly why you should read this article. It contains a list of positive mental exercises, relaxation methods, spiritual development activities, and other strategies that are designed to help you survive the difficulties of midlife.

Actually, it contains none of these things. Fuck you! Just read the article anyway.

1. Take out your frustration on young people.

Getting older really sucks, and there’s not much you can do about it, either. You can’t turn the clock back to fix all of your mistakes, but you can take your frustration out on young people. If you decide to punish young people for your failures in life, make sure you do it in a really big way and not simply by throwing liquor bottles at them or hitting them with your vehicle. Those are small ways of venting your frustration.

A big way to vent your frustration would involve becoming a motivational speaker on a college campus. Get up there and tell college students what the real world is like, and then talk about all the things you’ve accomplished since you graduated. Tell them your life story.

You may notice that a few of them will die from severe depression right there in the lecture hall or the auditorium, but that’s only the beginning. As your own personal story really starts to get out there, you will also see mass numbers of young people drop out of college… and probably out of dorm windows as well.

2. Spread even more carnage.

Don’t just tell your life story at a few college campuses, and don’t limit yourself to colleges in one state, either. Travel to schools across the nation and keep spreading the details of the amazing existence you’ve had over the past 40 years.

As universities, technical schools, and community colleges begin shutting down and huge numbers of teachers and professors leave the education field in order to work in cigarette factories and grocery stores, you may also notice that suicide rates will climb so high that the moon actually increases its orbital distance from Earth, which should cause major flooding and other catastrophes to wipe out mass numbers of people.

All of that might actually make you feel better about yourself and perhaps even a bit more light-hearted about the midlife crisis you’re currently going through.

3. Alleviate pent up frustration by releasing it through the easiest and most effective means available: your asshole.

It could be that a midlife crisis isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you just need to blow your asshole out more often. It’s not that hard to do. Just find a place where you feel comfortable, like a church, and then release it all out through your sphincter…

Fart so incredibly hard that the Universe as we know it ceases to expand into the outward depths of Space. Fart so hard that Layers of Heaven become inverted and backwards. Fart so hard that “Left” becomes “Right,” “Up” becomes “Down,” and rainfall occurs sideways in a rather hideous and obnoxious fashion. Fart so hard that Time reverses itself and clocks begin moving backwards…

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Fart so hard that the Bermuda Triangle becomes a Pentagon.

4. Avoid dangerous situations.

Have you ever been pushed over a log in the middle of the woods and then viciously fucked in the ass by an aimless, wandering derelict? Good, neither have I. Things like that don’t usually happen. The point I’m trying to make is that you need to take extra precautions to keep yourself out of dangerous situations.

You need to take these precautions because you are at a vulnerable stage of Life. You already realize that your existence is hopeless and that it’s ultimately going to end in complete failure. You are also fully aware of the fact that you are going to face numerous years of crushing agony and despair before you finally die a pointless and meaningless death only to be completely forgotten by the World and Everyone around you, but that’s no reason to go out and do something stupid.

Putting yourself in a dangerous situation in order to feel alive isn’t going to solve anything, unless you’re smart enough to know the difference between “good risk-taking” and “bad risk-taking.”

For example:

  • Skydiving with a bunch of inexperienced, mentally ill, suicidal, alcoholics in unfamiliar territory is a “good risk.”
  • Purchasing meat at Walmart and then eating it… is a “bad risk.”

5. Get jerked off in a seedy massage parlor.

Nothing says “FUCK IT!” like getting yourself jerked off in a seedy massage parlor. Sometimes the best way to solve your problems in life is to pay a complete stranger to rub oil on your body and then crank you off as you listen to soothing background music.

On some occasions, the woman giving the “massage” will actually stick her finger up your ass in order to help you get off. (Unless, of course, you already have your own finger in there.) Don’t get alarmed when the “masseuse” sticks her finger up your ass. It’s just a courteous thing they do right before you blow a load in their hands as well as on yourself.

If you’re really lucky, she might even resemble the girl who broke your heart in college and ditched you for another man. If that’s the case, then simply hold pressure and thrust upward right at the last moment so that you can spray it all over her face.

6. Meet new people.

Going out and meeting new people may be one of the best things you can do. Because you are going through a midlife crisis, you need to try different things in order to freshen up your perspective. Meeting new people is an excellent way to enhance your outlook and bring more variety into your life.

The sad truth, of course, is that you actually need to meet new people because your old friends are gone. Your personality, your alcoholism, and your manic-depressive disorder have driven them all away. Your life has become so pathetic that you actually stay home every Friday night and drink cheap beer all by yourself while listening to 80’s dance music as you spank your own ass. (Which is cool….don’t get me wrong. I do the same thing myself.)

But you need to get yourself out there more often instead of staying at home all the time. Be positive and adventurous. The World is a Bright and Sunny Place… and it’s just waiting for you to be a part of it again.

7. After your attempts to meet new people fail miserably, just stay at home and drink more cheap beer as your frustration with life continues to increase.

After trying to meet new people only to face more rejection and failure, you will realize that alcoholism and self-imposed isolation really were the best answers for you all along. (In order to successfully meet new people, you have to be dynamic, social, and interesting… namely, qualities you don’t have.)

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Self-pity, drunkenness, and frustration were working just fine for you. Why did you try to abandon those things?

In fact, you’ll probably become so drunk and frustrated with life that you drop a beer bottle on the floor and then accidentally step on one of the shards of broken glass. After pulling the shard of broken glass out of your foot, you’ll end up limping around, bleeding all over the place, and crying like the pathetic, thin-skinned, wimpy, little Bitch that you are.

It’s actually not that funny. I did this last weekend. Fuck you! Go to number 8.

8. Fight off depression.

Depression is known to occur after a person achieves great success at something or if they become victorious over some type of challenge or obstacle. This happens because the person has exerted a tremendous amount of will power and energy in order to accomplish something extraordinary, and it leaves them exhausted afterwards.

This isn’t the type of Depression that you have. You have the type of Depression that makes you stare at the fast-moving and extremely powerful conveyor belt at work while wondering if you should stick your face on it…or perhaps even throw your body onto it so that you can be torn to shreds and then chopped up into tiny, little, bloody pieces.

You have the type of Depression that makes you want to pet dangerous zoo animals.

You have the type of Depression that makes you want to get employed at a local factory that has a man-lift so that you can elevate it high enough to get your head lopped off by a giant, massive, industrial, ceiling fan.

(I think what I’m trying to say is that you’re Depressed. I actually had some good advice for how to fight off Depression…but I forgot what it was.)

9. Do things that will hasten your own demise.

If you simply can’t stand living anymore, then just start doing things that will severely shorten your life. And I don’t mean chain-smoking, excessive drinking, taking hard street drugs, or hanging out in gang-infested territory, either.

These activities do create a fine amount of damage; however, if you want real devastation, then just stand in one place all day long and listen to country music.

If you can do that for an entire day without shoving a lit blowtorch up your ass, slicing your dick off with a steak knife, or jumping off a really tall building and splattering all over the pavement…I will be really impressed.

You have to realize, of course, that listening to country music for an extended period of time will torture your soul in such a horrible way that it may even yank itself right out of your body in order to find comfort in an Eternal Resting Place that is far more pleasing than the excruciating agony it just endured.

An Eternal Resting Place where it will never experience that type of suffering again…

Namely, Hell.

10. Always think of the future.

If your midlife crisis can’t be solved by: watching young people commit suicide, expanding the Moon’s orbit, getting jerked off, spraying your load in somebody else’s face, blowing your asshole out, trying to meet new people, drinking beer and getting glass stuck in your foot, using a man-lift to get your head lopped off by a massive ceiling fan, fighting depression, listening to country music, or being needlessly long-winded while abusing adjectives, then just calm down, use your spare time wisely…

…and drive past nursing homes so that you can fully observe where the next stage of life is going to take you.

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