1. Research. Look on eBay and niche-specific collector sites to gauge how much each Beanie Baby is worth and which site typically elicits the best bids.
  2. A sophisticated Beanie Baby buyer will pay more for a Beanie Baby in mint condition. The key factor in determining mint condition is whether your Beanie Baby smells like cigarette smoke. If your Beanie Baby does not smell like cigarette smoke, then go to step 17. If it does, continue to step 3.
  3. Determine which of your Beanie Babies have been smoking cigarettes.
  4. Photograph the Beanie Babies that smoke. Take those photographs to the Wawa at the end of your street and tell the cashiers to stop selling cigarettes to those Beanie Babies.
  5. Ask your primary care physician for Chantix prescriptions for the smoking Beanie Babies.
  6. Cut the Chantix pills in half and then in half again to make them suitable for consumption by your Beanie Babies.
  7. Get Nicoderm CQ patches for Patti the Platypus, Splash the Killer Whale, Legs the Frog, Flash the Dolphin, Mystic the Unicorn, Spot the Dog, Millennium the Commemorative Y2K Bear, Peanut the Elephant, Pinchers, Squealer the Pig, Peanut the Elephant, Garcia the Tie-dyed Peace Bear, Chocolate the Moose, Digger the Crab, Richie the Beaver, Tusk the Walrus, Nana the Monkey, and Humphrey the Camel, since Chantix typically makes these Beanie Babies nauseous.
  8. Buy over-the-counter Nicorette Gum for Inky the Octopus, Ally the Alligator, Jabber the Parrot, Kicks the Soccer Bear, Steg the Stegosaurus, Twirly the Monkey, Bandit the Raccoon, Princess Diana Commemorative Bear, Claude the Tie-Dyed Crab, Baldy the Eagle, Daisy the Cow, Hoot the Owl, Cheddar the Mouse, Tusk the Walrus, Liberty the Flag Bear, Bumble the Bee, Derby the Horse, Lefty the Donkey, Flutter the Butterfly and Chilly the Polar Bear because Chantix made them constipated and the Nicoderm CQ patch would damage their luxurious fur.
  9. Move all the Beanie Babies to your other curio cabinet while you clean all the smoke and residue out of the curio cabinet in which you had previously housed all your Beanie Babies. This will require lots of glass cleaner and lots of elbow grease. Clean out all the empty cigarette pack wrappers, discarded lighters, and cigarette butts from the cabinet.
  10. Donate the Beanie Babies with burn marks in their fur from carelessly discarded butts to the church rummage sale. (In Aunt Connie’s case, this meant donating Lizzy the Lizard, Hopsy the Bunny, Freezie the Penguin, Stilts the Stork, Peking the Panda, Slither the Snake, Steg the Stegosaurus, Sting the Stingray, Trap the Mouse, Tank the Armadillo, Spinner the Spider, Topper the Giraffe, Nutty the Squirrel, Lucky the Ladybug, Erin the Green Bear, Nip the Cat, Quacker the Duck, Flash the Dolphin, and Nibbles the Bunny)
  11. Spray Febreze on all the remaining Beanie Babies.
  12. Hide your purse after Pinchers the Lobster tells you that to buy all the cigarettes, Squirmy the Worm, Toot Toot the Elephant, Neon the Seahorse, Crunch the Shark, and Happy the Hippo typically crawl out of the curio cabinet to steal money from your wallet.
  13. Go to the Blue Moon Tavern with your friend Denise to relax and have a few cold ones to forget about having to postpone retirement.
  14. Go back to Wawa to demand they cease selling cigarettes to your Beanie Babies after you come home from hanging out with Denise and catch Splash the Killer Whale in the driveway with a Wawa bag filled with two packs of Parliament Lights, two packs of Virginia Slims, three packs of Newport Lights, and a carton of Pall Malls.
  15. Donate those Beanie Babies who get Nicorette Gum stuck in their luxurious fur to the church rummage sale. (In my Aunt Connie’s case, this included Baldy the Eagle, Daisy the Cow, Hoot the Owl, Cheddar the Mouse, Tusk the Walrus, Liberty the Flag Bear, Bumble the Bee and Chilly the Polar Bear)
  16. Get a padlock for your curio cabinet.
  17. Photograph each Beanie Baby and list it online. Be sure to include a close-up of the tag, which is very important to sophisticated Beanie Baby buyers. You will not be able to include the phrase, “These Beanie Babies come from a smoke-free home.”
  18. Answer questions from interested buyers. At the end of each auction, ship your Beanie Baby to the winning buyer.

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