Now that Scott Baio is 56 (welcome to AARP, Chachi!), it’s time to start thinking about important modifications to the Playboy mansion to make it safer and more enjoyable, not just for Scott, but for all the dirty old men of today and tomorrow.

We should also be mindful of the Corey Feldmans and Todd Bridges of the world. And the Entourage gang isn’t getting any younger. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon, guys. Respect the game, and you’ll be having fun well into your 90’s, just like Hef. (It’s not often you see the words “respect” and “Playboy mansion” in the same paragraph. Pulitzer committee, you can find me on Twitter!)

The following are helpful guidelines for keeping the mansion safe and fun for seniors.

  1. Textured bathtub stickies to reduce falls in the grotto. Papaw does not get around like he used to, and most Bunnies just do not have the upper-body strength to keep lifting a slippery, 210-pound elderly man off the bottom of the grotto floor.
  2. Life Alert chokers for all the Bunnies when they’re serving as “companions.” (Alternatively, each Bunny has a designated hair extension that can be pulled for immediate assistance.)
  3. Sexy Monday through Friday pill boxes in the shape of boobs, with roofie compartment labeled in large, easy-to-read print.
  4. “Movie Night” starts with a short informational video about checking your feet for signs of neuropathy.
  5. Every Bunny learns how to properly dress a wound.
  6. Dinner is now served at a reasonable hour: 4:30pm.
  7. Complimentary Rascals available to run between the Mansion and the Grotto. Early birds ride modified models outfitted for two people, so that Special Lady can ride with you!
  8. New for breakfast: Viagra bran muffins.
  9. All Bunny lingerie required to be retrofitted with Velcro.
  10. Every Midsummer Night’s Dream party gift bag now comes with a weather radio!
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People are living longer these days. We’ve all heard it: 90 is the new 55. Let’s help these old pervs continue to enjoy life as long as possible. It’s what we all want!

Old man with Playmates at the Playboy Mansion grotto pool

The key to living longer? Fucking younger.

And adult fun shouldn’t just be limited to the Playboy mansion. Let’s Bernie Sanders this movement and make everything more fun for everybody!

How about porn in newspaper format? We all know old people are the only ones left who actually read honest-to-God printed-in-ink newspapers. Why not just have a porn version of the paper delivered to old guys every morning? It’s a win-win for the newspaper industry and horny old guys everywhere.

And now that old people all have smartphones, thanks to their kids and grandkids, let’s give ‘em a dating app! How about an Ashley Madison for the seniors whose wives are still alive? We’ll call it “James Madison.” That way if they don’t match with anyone, they can still read some interesting facts about the “Father of the Constitution.” Old guys love that shit.

Don’t worry widows, we’re gonna give you your own Tinder. We’ll call it “Bunions.” Swipe right for hot seniors in your area or suggestions for easing painful bone spurs. Fun and functional! We’ll create a shuttle bus system between senior centers to help everyone hook up with their matches.

And guys, no cheating and using that picture of you when you were 70! She’s gonna know when you and your home health aide come rolling up with your oxygen tank. Just use common sense. After all, the pharmaceutical industry did not just casually sweep aside research and development of potentially life-saving drugs to invent Viagra for nothing. Or Cialis, or Levitra, or (insert your own boner pill here). Show some respect!

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Now get out there and enjoy life!

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