Anti-Semitism is all the rage today. But many of the world’s most vicious anti-Semites are also God-fearing Christians, whose savior is Jesus Christ. So how can these followers of Christ make peace between despising Jews and also worshipping a Jew?

Here are some tips for you Jew haters out there.

  • Remember that it could be worse: Be thankful that Jesus wasn’t a scraggly, dark-skinned man from the Middle East.
  • Even if Jesus was technically a Jew, he wasn’t really all that Jewy — He wasn’t greedy, he didn’t go to law school, and paintings make him seem pretty athletic.
  • Take comfort that despite his questionable heritage, Jesus still spoke perfect English.
  • Remind yourself that other men in history with Jewish ancestry still went on to do great things, like Hitler.
  • Pretend that your love for Israel is about protecting Jewish lives, and not signaling the Second Coming that will send them to eternal damnation in Hell as you ascend to Heaven.
  • It’s good to say you have a Jewish friend when accused of anti-Semitism. Your close, personal relationship with Christ gives you the perfect counterargument.
  • It’s common knowledge that the Jews also killed Jesus, so don’t feel ashamed. Everyone’s a hypocrite in the end.
  • Find solace in the fact that President-elect Trump will soon usher in Judgment Day and all of these nitpicky details will be irrelevant.
  • Focus on figuring out what the fuck that “Holy Spirit” part of the Trinity is instead. Nobody understands that thing.
  • Even with your attention on the Jews, don’t lose sight of the real enemy: Muslims.
  • Practice reconciling your hatred of Jews with your love of Ivanka Trump, then move on to big leagues and work out your relationship with Jesus.
  • You don’t even need to admit Jesus was Jewish. That’s just what the Jews controlling the liberal media in Hollywood want you to believe.
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