11:06 a.m. — Wake up! It's your mental health day and it's all yours. Well, at least what’s left of it. Think of all the relaxation you could’ve accomplished if you’d woken up at dawn. What if you don’t get enough relaxation in? That seems like something worth worrying about. Take an hour to worry about that. But not a minute more. Excessive worrying will take a toll on your mental health.

12:30 p.m. — Kick off your day with a hearty breakfast. The ingredients at your disposal are: a can of Diet Coke. Indulge in this health-conscious, zero-calorie breakfast. Consider, for a moment, that Diet Coke may be riddled with carcinogens. You read that on a blog or something. Spit the Coke out. No, too late, you already have cancer. That’s what that lump near your throat is. The one that the doctor said “not to worry about.” Yeah, that’s textbook cancer.

1:00 p.m. — Take a crack at that screenplay! Your raunchy-yet-depressive attitude is exactly what HBO is looking for. Don’t lose focus. It’s just you and the script. And the execs. Do you know how to schmooze the execs? Wait, what is an exec? Maybe you should read Judd Apatow’s Wikipedia page again. Every great writer got their start reading Judd Apatow’s Wikipedia page.

2:30 p.m. — It’s early afternoon, not at all too late to get dressed! After all, if you look good, you’ll feel good. Try to find a shirt that tastefully “downplays” the lump near your throat. Has it gotten bigger since this morning? Stop touching it. There was an episode of House about this. Probably. The point is, you’re dying.

3:00 p.m. — Curl up on the couch and cue up some Netflix! You’re still in the process on getting your own account, so it’s totally cool that you’re still using Claire’s. She would’ve changed the password by now if she wasn’t still a little bit in love with you. She’s gone out of her way to not change the password for you. It’s her little way of saying, “Don’t move on.”

4:00 p.m. — Clear your mind by doing something repetitive, like counting the coins in your savings jar. You have less money than you thought you did. That looked like a lot of money. Have you been poor this entire time?

6:00 p.m. — Give your mother a call! She misses you. Open with the cancer diagnosis. Is she crying? Double down on whatever you just said. Yes, she’s definitely crying now. Tell her how long you have to live. It’s better for her to begin the grieving process now. Cough and hang up before she asks more questions.

7:30 p.m. — Time to unwind and browse the web! Maybe you should go look at Claire’s Instagram again. Remember how soft her lips felt on your neck? Go ahead and message her about the cancer. She was probably wondering how you were, anyway.

8:00 p.m. — Lunchtime! Wait, since when was it 8 p.m.? Have you not eaten anything today? Don’t panic. There’s a sleeve of Oreos in your bedside table. Try to eat around the cookie part. It’s just empty carbs.

9:00 p.m. — After a relaxing mental health day, it’s time to hit the hay. When you wake up tomorrow, you’ll be energized, refreshed, and ready to face another well-deserved mental health day.


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