You’re hurrying to get ready for work in the morning and you need to grab a quick bite. You reach for some toaster pastries but as soon as you pop one in the toaster it unfurls the most horrifying scream you’ve ever heard in your life. What in the shitfucking Christ is this? It sounds like a cross between a self-immolating Buddhist priest and a hateful 10-year-old at a Donald Trump rally.

We’ve all been there.

You quickly chuck it as hard as you can against the wall, but the heavily-preserved breakfast tart wails louder and your ear left ear begins to bleed. You really need to take care of this fast, before your neighbors call the cops.

Oh that’s fucking great, your cat just evacuated all throughout the kitchen. He’s 14 years old. He doesn’t need this. Think, quickly. The garbage disposal – that’ll do the trick. You assertively jam that broken creature into the sink hole and flip the switch. Rinse it out. Problem solved.

But now you feel terrible, and you just bought these tasty treats. They’re not supposed to turn for another 18 weeks according to the label. If only you’d known that “good by” dates aren’t very accurate, you wouldn’t have had to extinguish a precious sentient lifeform, not to mention waste $2.79 on the strawberry toaster treats (sans frosting, natch).

Next time, think about these tips to tell if the food in your refrigerator is about to mutate into a living being.

Potatoes

There’s this Soviet-Era Czech wives tale about potatoes: if you let potatoes molt through the four phases of moon, you will be made rich. If it molts for one phase too long, it will grow legs and devour the souls of good children and beasts alike, yet still hunger for many more. RETCH! But in reality, those aren’t legs: the potato is producing a brood. Pitch ‘em.

Apples

If your apples have lost their sheen and feel softer to the touch, beware, they’re about to go bad. Bad apples are just the worst. They’re rude, mealy dickheads and they torture Iraqi prisoners and destroy entire financial systems and constitute most of our nation’s finest killers of marginalized people. They’re also still edible. You won’t feel so bad about eating them. Get your justice: it’s never tasted so good.

Bread

Bread doesn’t go bad.

Milk

If your milk has solidified, it’s probably bad. Don’t even think about giving some to your ailing cat.

Bananas

If your banana emits the combined screams of 1,000 tortured sinners, it’s definitely bad. Some say that once a banana starts cooing it’s already too late and it’s best to put them down. Don’t worry, at this point the bananas still haven’t fully developed their nervous system. So whip out Gran-gran’s “nanner puddin” recipe and luxuriate in its rich, creamy smoothness. Oh, look in the margins, she wrote about how to humanely kill them nanners. Cute!

24oz Porterhouse Steak

It’s proper to dry-age your beef significantly before you consume it, so let this one ride a little. The exterior of a properly aged steak will be dry, deep-red or purple/brown, and may have developed mold. Your steak should also offer you firm, learned advice about the best way to empathize with your boss, how to grieve a dead pet, or what exactly is the best way to trim him. You’ll know that your steak has gone bad once he insists that Joe Biden doesn’t know what he’s doing and that FDR would have never picked a negro for his vice president.

Armed with these tips you can buy food without the worry that it’s going to consume you, your family, or your pets.

You’ll save money too!

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