Being bullied at camp is much different than being bullied at school, at home, on the internet, or at a Game of Thrones cosplay convention. For one thing, the only “adults” found at camp are drunken, horny teenagers; in all likelihood, at least as cruel and dangerous as the most loathsome of your peers.
So what to do if you’re being bullied at camp? Hopefully, our exclusive guide can be of some help. Godspeed.
1. Hide in the woods.
As soon as you get off of the bus, made a quick beeline into the thickest part of the forest. Unless you’ve been sent to some military or ultra-conservative Christian camp, the counselors will neither notice nor care. Dealing with wild animals and near-starvation will be a walk in the park compared to the bullying dished out by the drooling, pock-marked psychopaths who would otherwise be your cabin-mates.
2. Feign illness.
In the unlikely event that anyone cares enough to look for and find you sitting in a tree in the woods, do whatever you can to appear as grotesquely sick as possible. Cigarette burns eventually make great-looking scabs, and biting your tongue in enough spots will produce a nice, steady stream of blood that you can spit, or just have leaking profusely from your mouth. Your constant state of terror and near-panic will make vomiting-on-cue a snap as well.
3. Attempt friendship with the loner counselor.
There’s an excellent chance that at least one of the counselor’s will be a virginal oddball who will leap at the chance to chat for hours on end with someone about Babylon 5 or the hotly-debated “DC vs. Marvel” controversy. This person can surprisingly make for a peculiar-smelling yet trustworthy bodyguard.
If things go in a particularly strange direction, however, and the counselor tries to kiss and/or touch you in an inappropriate way, you can turn the table by alerting the bullies, and then join them in assaulting the loner counselor. Distasteful to be certain, but this is an article intended to keep you from being bullied, not an article attempting to keep a sad, lonely counselor from later becoming a serial killer.
4. Become a fire starter.
Starting random fires throughout the camp does two things to keep you from being bullied: one, it keeps you on the move, and two, the distraction of the fires can keep bullying in general at the camp to a minimum. So, in a very real way, you’re like a hero!
If someone is hurt or killed, that’s very sad, but the world is a cruel and dangerous place; the very existence of this guide is certainly proof enough of that. Also, be warned that starting fires can become a thrilling, wonderful, God-like, addictive process, and something that you may have some difficulty in controlling once you return home.
5. Forge a new role as the camp pusher.
In the weeks leading up to camp, case the medicine cabinets of your parents, as well as the parents of friends. Steal as much as you can without being caught. And none of this Advil or Pepcid AC crap. If these vile hoodlums who become your customers at camp don’t feel at least a little bit of a buzz, they’ll be back, and the bullying will be twice as bad. Not only will the camp pusher role keep you from being bullied, but your new “bad boy” reputation will more than likely score you a handjob or two from the gals over in Bunk C. And better yet, there’s a good chance that at least a couple of your potential bullies will overdose and keel over on the spot.