In this modern age, the definition of masculinity has been warped. We men need to to get in touch with our manhood.

Men: this guide is designed to help you unleash your inner man.

1. Be active.

Men of the olden days used to be strong and virile. Modern hipster men are practically walking saplings, wearing skinny jeans and beanies. In order to differentiate yourself from the soy-eating pack, you need to fill out your frame. Lifting weights will release extra testosterone, as well as allow you to get in touch with your primal man dominance. Your new bulk will certainly attract the gaze of the ladies too.

2. Get some friends.

No man is an island; every man needs his wolf pack. You need to surround yourself with like-minded bros who will allow you to reach peak masculinity. These will be your wingmen, lifting partners, and drinking buddies. Without them you are nothing.

3. Get a girlfriend.

Every king needs his queen; this should be pretty easy if you’ve done steps one and two correctly. Just make sure she’s hot.

4. Be complicit in your friends’ misogynistic behavior.

Allow their constant jokes and derision about women’s bodies to go unchecked. It’s just a joke, man. It’s totally cool, because at the end of the day you guys all LOVE women. *wink* Honestly, you should probably just make some jokes to fit in.

5. Get broken up with.

Your girlfriend will get fed up with your constant need for dominance. Your emotional distance, and absolute refusal to be physical (outside of sex) will well up inside her until she resents you. One day she will walk in on you and your boys talking about her body and lose it. She will fight through tears to pack up all her belongings and leave, then scream, “I never should’ve loved you” as she slams to door to your apartment in your face. You will hear her sobs through the door as she shuffles her suitcase down the hall. You really hurt her.

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6. Don’t feel a thing.

Stay cold. Be strong. You are an island. Real men don’t get sad. Stay stone faced and stoic. Go out with your boys, and rebound with a chick hotter than your ex-girlfriend.

7. Don’t you dare cry.

Crying is the ultimate form of weakness. You wanna know who cries? Women and children. Are you a little baby bitch? I didn’t think so. I swear to god if you cry I’m gonna punch you in the nuts so hard.

8. Cry.

Let it all out. Allow decades of cultural teachings to go by the wayside, and allow the hot wetness of emotion to seep out of your eyes. Despite what you were taught, this vulnerability is liberating. You realize that you don’t need to be strong all the time.

9. Realize that our societal gender roles are incredibly destructive.

Your bout with toxic masculinity has lead you to the deep annals of gender politics. You realize that the expectations burdened upon you by society are two fold for women.

10. Become a feminist.

All of your research has lead you to the conclusion that America has fundamentally stacked the deck against women. You begin to call your friends out on their sexist comments, and they ostracize you, but you don’t care. You call your ex up to apologize, and she encourages you to continue on your quest to right the wrongs you committed. You feel a new sense of purpose, and you set out to make the world a better place.

11. Get a man cave.

No man is complete without a room of his own.

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