By contributing writer Marty Archibald

He is an integral part of every campus, almost as integral as freshman girls (oh so young and naïve). I hope to god he is not leaving, but sadly, this man is probably leaving your campus at semester’s end. Whether it is due to graduation, or (more likely) academic ineligibility, he’s leaving. Maybe you just feel like he isn’t fulfilling his obligations and that you could do better. Either way, you are going to complete some basic steps to become him—the Creepy Guy on campus.

1. Dress the Part

Wearing the right clothes is a true art form when you are the creepy guy on campus. The trick is to not stand out, while standing out. No new clothing; you aren’t trying to be trendy guy. You aren’t trying to be retro guy either, so no old clothing. Bright colors are a no-no. The route for amateur creepy guys to go is a plain colored t-shirt with jean pants and/or shorts. DO NOT wear any of these items until you have washed each one a minimum of 50 times to give them a faded look. No buying faded clothing; it has to look authentic. Over time you will be able to perfect your own personal Creepy Guy style.

2. Perfect the Stare

Perhaps the most important part of being the Creepy Guy is the stare. The stare isn’t an acquired attribute—either you have it or you don’t. The trick is to pull people in and at the same time make them feel uncomfortable. Don’t make them feel so uncomfortable that they don’t want to be around you though. You need them to stick around in order to keep them on their toes. Make them think that you could snap and go crazy at any time. Never let them know what that anything is. You should be able to achieve all of this within three seconds of eye contact.

Note: Always look at males the same way you look at females. This distinguishes you from the Campus Pervert.

3. Hang Around Classes

There are a few different routes you can take as far as classes go. All will work well, just choose the one that best suits you.

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Option 1: Take all classes possible. The more people say, “[Your Name] McCreepy is in my 1:30 class,” the better. You can’t physically go to all your classes every day, so it is a good idea to set up a rotation for attending classes. You should also pick a couple of classes that you always attend and a few that you never attend. This option is not very cost effective and may lead to some low grades. The more frugal-minded potential Creepy Guy may want to go with option
two.

Option 2: Don’t actually enroll in the classes, just show up. Everything else is pretty much the same, with the exception of one major difference. With the first option you can choose whether or not to participate. With this one you have to participate, fully. Whether you are right or wrong, say and do as much as you can. Raise your hand to voice your opinion during discussions. Blurt out the answers to questions posed by the professor. Whatever. This is basically your insurance policy in case someone finds out that you aren’t really in the class. Nothing is creepier than finding out that the guy who answers everything is not actually in the class. Don’t tell people that you aren’t really in the class either. That will just make you look like the Geeky Guy on campus. If people confront you about not
being in the class, dispute it ‘til the bitter end. Not with words, but with the stare. Hopefully you have perfected that by now.

Option 3: Take no classes and go to no classes. If you can’t stand going to classes, then this option is obviously right up your alley. This still takes some time and work though, as you have to be on campus during peak class hours. Ideally you’ll want to hang out in the quad or at the local eatery, both high-traffic pedestrian areas.

4. Remain Sociable

Although the stare is an important part of becoming the Creepy Guy, it should not be overused. Overuse of the stare could cause you to be known as Crazy Serial Killer Guy. You still need to be very sociable. People should enjoy talking to you, almost to the point where they seek you out. Just don’t forget to make them feel uneasy at all times. When people start to feel conflicted about enjoying your company, you know you’ve reached your goal.

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Attend as many social events as you can. Parties are a must. Unless you are the drunk who is calm and collected, resist drinking. You can’t act out in excitement at any time. You don’t want to risk becoming Wild Party Guy. The bulk of your time should be spent sitting on the couch burning a hole
through people and making awkward conversation with those who pass by.

Exercise celebratory restraint at athletic events. When your team scores, show as little jubilation as possible. Clapping may be performed, but only when the rest of the crowd is going
wild.

5. Don’t Act Your Age

Clothing is part of the physical look, but not the whole thing. If you’re under the age of 30, try to act and look older. If you’re over the age of 30, try to act and look younger. If you’re over 40, you are required to say things to the ladies like, “I would hit that.”

Those are the five basics you will need to become the campus Creepy Guy. You can (and probably should) add more things to build your own Creepy Guy profile. However, failure to incorporate all five of these
fundamental steps may cause you to be mislabeled as something else.

For obvious reasons, the older you are, the easier it is to be the Creepy Guy. In fact, a lot of times it is the older people who get labeled the Creepy Guy without any effort on their part. So, for you incoming freshman, you’ll just have to put forth that much more effort to become the Creepy Guy on campus. Good
luck.

Note: If you haven’t succeeded in becoming the Creepy Guy on campus after the first month of the semester, please stop trying. Nothing is creepier than the guy who tries to be the Creepy Guy on campus.

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