There is currently a massive obesity epidemic spreading throughout the Western world. Well, I say "the Western world," but it’s really only the Anglo countries of the Western world: Britain, Ireland, Australia, and the USA. So why is obesity not spreading through France, Germany, Spain and Italy? They have Coca-Cola. They have McDonald’s. So what’s going on?

You know what else they have? Bidets. That’s right, sinks for your butt.

Instead of washing your hands in this sink, you wash your genitalia, inner buttocks, and anus. This high level of hygiene surrounding the anal region has resulted in generations of mainland Europeans licking anus for sexual pleasure. Did you even know that the skin around the anal area is the third most sensitive piece of skin on the human body after the lips and fingertips?

Girl using a bidet

To the Anglo world, where bidets have always caused confusion and mystery, the very idea of licking someone’s anus was never even contemplated until the technological revolution brought hardcore and multicultural porn to the average bedroom. I remember being on holiday in Spain as a child and asking my dad what bidets were for and what was the point? He knew what they were for, but never really saw the point.

It wasn’t until later in life when I had a Slovakian girlfriend briefly who showed me the pleasure of anilingus that I realized what the humble bidet was all about. I took great pleasure in phoning my dad to say, "Dad! I know what the bidets are all about now! Europeans lick ass! It is very pleasant." He was fascinated by the whole thing. Anyway, I divulge.

When there is a distinct possibility that you are going to have your ass licked later in the day, you become a lot more conscience of what you eat. Good, healthy food forms cleaner, better poo—the type of poo where one wipe is sufficient and there is often no trace of poo on the toilet paper. Fatty, unhealthy foods have the polar opposite effect. The poo is not fully formed; rather, it comes out in drips and daps. You could be looking at three to four wipes before safely reaching the no trace of poo result. Sometimes you might find yourself in a situation where no amount of wipes results in poo-free toilet paper.

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Unhealthy eating causes all sorts of ailments, discomfort, and disease. So why do people do it? Mainly for that sugar or salt hit. Instant pleasure, feel-good relief from the stresses and strains of everyday, mundane life. What we need to do is encourage people to forgo that pleasure hit and instead pursue the beauty and pleasure that is anilingus. And by doing this we will solve this obesity crisis. We will nip this epidemic in the butt. We will save lives.

Sure, the road ahead will be tough and there may be one or two distractors. Naturally, the sugar industry will try to demonize us and use their influence in the media to somehow make licking ass seem "dirty" or unhealthy.

But let’s look at the facts…the science of it all. Mainland European have a high levels of bidet use, high levels of ass licking, low levels of obesity, and low levels of diabetes. Even within our Anglo countries, let’s look at the data from the gay communities. Above average rates of ass licking (surprise, surprise), below average levels of diabetes (compared to the general population).

Now that we have established all the facts and can categorically say that not only is there a correlation between high levels of ass licking and low levels of obesity and diabetes, how do we implement this?

We change the culture.

European man licking woman's butt

We encourage the average Joe to lick his wife’s ass in the evening and her to lick his back in return. We encourage young people to lick one another’s asses (beats teen pregnancy!). We convince the next generation that not only is there nothing wrong with licking someone’s ass, but it’s good for the health of the nation. Hell the future of Western society depends on it.

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For years we have wrestled with how to control the growing obesity problem. Now we have the solution. But do we have the courage to pull it off?

The road ahead is paved with landmines and trip wires. If we were to list all the likely hurdles we will face, we would probably abandon the whole project right now. I have been to meetings where this has been discussed and seen the fear in people’s eyes firsthand. But I say this to you: all we have to fear is fear itself.

I really believe we can do this. We can change the culture; we can save our future from all the predicted doom and gloom; we can lick ass and we can encourage others to lick ass. If not for ourselves, then for our children. And to be honest, once you get started, it’s quite enjoyable. It is a very pleasant feeling. It is relaxing and reassuring. And it will encourage us to eat foods that form clean, compact poo; require no straining; and succumb easily to the force of gravity with a nice, satisfying plop in the bowl.

It is a better way of living. It is a better life. Join me, ladies and gentlemen, and lick some ass to save our future.

Here’s something else for your ass: MyPocketPants.com, the ultimate festival underwear for dudes.

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