For a dead guy, Hitler is doing a pretty good job of gaining an online following. His YouTube comedy channel has now passed both Shane Dawson and Fred, and he’s up for a Clio for his Mercedes commercial.
Some may claim his viral comedy videos, which include such topics as taking the Idaho Dental Assisting Board exam, shopping for gluten-free pasta at Trader Joe’s, and giving anger management classes to the Kardashian sisters, are overrated and derivative. But the numbers speak for themselves.
While establishing his brand on Twitter, Pinterest, and Snapchat, the Fuhrer also uses Facebook as a marketing tool. You may have seen his post, verified as authentic by USA Today, offering Poland to anyone who likes and shares his status. Just the other day, he ran across this Facebook quiz, and he was like, “Netflix is running slow as shit right now and I’m bored as fuck; so why not?”
Pizza or spaghetti?
Facebook or Instagram?
Snapchat or Facebook?
OK, sorry. That was a little rude. Still bummed about the Kanye and Kim thing.
Instagram or Snapchat?
I said SILENCE! (Shoots Facebook in head.)
Khaki, of course. Idiot! Do you think these cargo shorts make me look fat?
THE WORLD. The entire world is my beverage!!
“Sometimes When We Touch.” Don’t care what anybody says; Dan Hill was a genius.
Team Germany: World Police. And Wedding Crashers 2.
Straight or curly hair?
(Shoots Facebook in head again.)
Yom Kippur. Lol, I kid. Actually, Gay Pride Day. Lol, jk again. SILENCE!
Android or iPhone?
My team of military scientists has developed a hybrid phone/tank that will soon be deployed on the Russian front. Hundreds of thousands of them. An unstoppable Panzer division of phones that will rain death and destruction on all who would question the eternal supremacy of The Motherland. My prototype death-phones will destroy all who would attempt to stop me. Oh wait; hold on. Phone just died.
Text or call?
Abduct to secret stalag by Gestapo agents and shoot in head.
Dictator of world. Or veterinarian. Maybe salad chef. Dunno.
Supreme. I already told you. Idiot. (Shoots Facebook in head once again.)
Really?? (Shoots Facebook in head yet one more time.)
Talking or fighting?
That’s really the core question in all human relations, isn’t it? Deepak Chopra had a video series on PBS that addressed this all-important question. Interpersonal peace is more of an ongoing process than a momentary imperative. The Bhagavad Gita says…I’m just kidding. (Shoots Facebook in head and kicks it with boot.)
Night or day?
Well, let’s see. It’s light outside and there’s a big, shiny orb in the sky. Let me think. (Reaches for sidearm to shoot now completely cold and immobile Facebook.)
Summer or winter?
Well, let’s see. It’s cold as shit and I’m up to my ass in snow. Let me think. (Stabs Facebook in face with ice pick, just for variety.)
Ever give oral?
Better than that. Gave oration and got the entire fucking country off simultaneously in the biggest orgasm in recorded history.
Wine or whiskey?
Yes, please. Lol. See? Not only monster of history, but comedy genius as well.
Makeup or no makeup?
Just when I go out, but I try not to go overboard with the mascara cuz I don’t wanna look like a whore.
Favorite TV show?
Letterman. He was such an asshole.
The Sound and the Fuhrer. Sorry.
Favorite sports team?
Dallas Cowboys. I’ve always somehow felt I shared a kindred bond with them.
Hair up or down?
Depends on my mood.
Jeans or leggings?
WHAT?? I am the supreme commander of the Axis Powers, one of the most powerful military juggernauts of the 20th century, and you ask me a question like that?? Have you lost your mind?? OK, jk. I like Spandex, but it makes my calves itchy.
Painted or non-painted nails?
(Shoots Facebook in face with assault rifle.)
T-shirt or dress shirt?
Depends. If I’m going to the mall, I’ll put on my wifebeater. But if it’s a nice place like, say, Olive Garden I’ll wear something with sleeves.
Flip flops or sneakers?
Air Supremacy Jordans.
Big purse or small?
WHAT?? How dare you ask me that! Swine! It goes without saying that I have the biggest, most glamorous purse in the history of Western civilization.
How many tattoos?
Just one. A One Direction one. Yeah, I know. I was drunk. What can I say?
How many piercings?
Before or after the Battle of Berlin? Haha. The Fuhrer’s comedy genius knows no bounds.
Diamonds or pearls?
(Finds a way to retroactively complete heavy water experiments and proceeds to nuke Facebook back to Stone Age.)
Now tag 5 people that you nominate to answer the above questions…
1. Marty “Whore-Man” Bormann
2. Joey “Hamster” Goebbels
3. Herman “Boring” Goring
4. Heinrich “Him/Her” Himmler
5. Evie “Make Me a Sandwich” Braun