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Dear Freshmen,
At some point during your first year, some older, wiser, and probably drunker
upperclassman will tell you that sooner rather than later, you’ll lose interest
in your high school friends. You will discard this, thinking to yourself that
this person was just never as close to their high school friends as you are to
yours. As the second semester sets in, hopefully you’ve begun to
realize the crucial errors in your logic. For those of you who have not,
however, in an effort to speed up this process so you can spend more time
drinking instead of reminiscing about high school parties that got broken up by
10 o’clock, I’ve categorized your friends into what they are now, or will
inevitably become. Of course, don’t forget, you’re somewhere on this list, too.
The Drug Addict
He drank a little in high school and was never one to turn down a bong rip
if you asked him nicely. He also couldn’t have told you the difference between
skunk and train wreck or whether your coke was cut with ephedrine. Once he got
to college, though, his “if it’s there, I’ll try it” attitude played out very
differently when his freshman roommate turned out to be the campus’
up-and-coming dealer. He’s built such a tolerance in such a short time that when
you see him at home you won’t even know he took three Xanax bars on the drive
over. He’ll ask subtle, probing questions to see if anyone else has picked up
his same habits.
“So, how are the parties at your schools?”
“Got any crazy stories?”
“Fuck it, I’m gonna go do some lines of blow, who’s coming?”
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Just let me get high, I know I can remember if I get high. |
He probably goes to: San Diego State.
School Sports Guy
He doesn’t actually listen when you speak to him; he just waits for an
opportune pause to throw in a tidbit about how well his school is doing in
whatever the sport of the season is. If asked about sports in which his school
is doing poorly, he will respond with a story about the glory days. If you press
him about the fact that his team got crushed by their rivals, he’ll either
discuss new prospects that are
going to make his team dominant in years to come or tell you you’re just
bitter because your mom’s fat and he had sex with her.
He probably goes to: USC.
Intellectually Stimulated Girl
She was always at the top of her classes, but you went to a public school,
so she still never really learned anything. Now that she’s at an Ivy, though,
just look at all the classes she can take! If only it weren’t for the 20 unit
limit, she could have added that last class on pre-existential philosophies of
the indigenous people of Uruguay.
She ignores School Sports Guy, who makes jokes she doesn’t get about the
football team she didn’t know her school had, and judges The Drug Addict for
wasting time he could be spending on exciting academic pursuits. She’d be almost
intolerable if she didn’t bring the entire collected works of James Joyce to
every get together to read when the conversation strays from her topics of
interest.
She probably goes to: Harvard.
The One That Never Left
When everyone else talks about their flights home, he’s silently thinking of
the drive over from his place a block away. Luckily, though, if you’re curious
about the goings-on in your hometown while you were at school,
he’s got you covered. Not local politics, though, just the records of all of
your high school’s sports teams and the breakup drama of their star players.
It’s not pathetic, however, because he only goes back to the high school four
times a week, “y’know, to show those high school kids how it’s done.” It’s done,
of course, by working at Blockbuster, drinking some brewskis with his buds in
mom and dad’s basement, and telling the same five stories of “that CRAZY night
senior year.”
He probably goes to: Community college, but that one class he was
taking was getting in the way of work, so he dropped it and he’ll think about
trying it again next semester.
The Kid Who Wishes He Was Back at School
He sits on AIM talking to his college friends about how no one at home knows
how to party, and how hard they’re gonna throw it down when they get back. It’s
entirely possible that he practices his Beirut game on the kitchen table between
rounds of Halo online, since the kids at home are such noobs they would get
owned by his roommates. Mostly, though, he tries to sleep as many hours a day as
he can to stave off boredom. For a while he’ll concoct schemes of how to get
everyone back to school early to party. After the first week, though, he pretty
much just lies around unshowered and unshaven trying to figure out something to
do. Actually, fuck it—maybe
The Drug Addict still has some of that blow left.
He probably goes to: Anywhere but here… for the love of God, anywhere
but here.
Your Ex-Girlfriend
You know her better than I do, but we both know she’s fat. Seriously.
Stop having sex with her.
She probably goes to: From the looks of it, somewhere with delicious dorm
food.
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