By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

The other day, while speaking with my mother (who reads every PIC article and writes in to insult me under the pseudonym, Frank) I told her that I was exhausted for topics. In the eight articles I’ve sent to Court Sullivan and Company, I’ve written about drinking, friends with benefits, how to get laid, gang raping Iraqi women, the gold standard, hurricanes, Las Vegas and even the chick who lived below me in my last apartment.

“I got nothing left here, Mom.”

Sweety, come on,” she said. “Use that great imagination of yours.”

“Can’t. I destroyed it in college.”

“Okay then, try some of these topics: tattoos and tattoo parlors, coffee shops and bars, pool halls, fellatio, legalized prostitution, sex toys, hate fucking—”

“Mom, you’re a genius. I don’t think anyone’s written the definitive guide to hate fucking. What a great idea. Thanks.”

“That’s what mothers are for. By the way, speaking of sex, when are you gonna have some grandchildren?”

(That’s always my cue to hang up.)

Anyway, hate fucking. Wow, what an awesome topic. There are three major things you need to know about hate fucking: the who, the how and the when. Do not worry about the what (the what is hate fucking) or the why (the why is because you’re a sexual degenerate).

WHO You Can Hate Fuck


Hate fucking will never begin with a friendly game of sex dice.

You can hate fuck anyone who hates you or whom you hate, but hate fucking is always best when a) you love the sex and she loves the sex and b) you both despise each other. One-sided hate fucking is almost rape, and no one wants that charge. Candidates for hate sex typically include ex-girlfriends, girls who have one of your friends whipped and hate you because you’re always trying to get your friend to grow a pair of balls and go to Disney World on acid, and super-tough-tattoo wearing bitches of the gothic or motorcycle club variety. Really though, you can hate fuck anyone who agrees with the concept, but the aforementioned women are more likely to appreciate a chance to permanently scar you and crack your ribs.

WHEN You Should Hate Fuck

Really, whenever you want, but it works best when you’re right in the middle of a heated argument. Especially if, during the course of that heated argument, you’ve already called her a stupid bitch and those two magical words seemed to lift some of the sexual tension in the room. It really is difficult to know exactly when the right moment is, but trust me, when you’re screaming your head off and she’s calling you an asshole, you’re close. The energy is there; the tension is being lifted by an argument; something’s got to give.

HOW to Hate Fuck

Hate fucking is a motor skill. Just like anything else, you get better with practice. To properly hate fuck, you must physically and verbally abuse your woman while still having sex with her AND (this is the tricky part) while she physically and verbally abuses you. Dishing out the physical pain is easy: just don’t get too carried away. It’s a fine line between a bruise and a broken bone. Don’t hit her in the face (stick with the ass, upper torso and arms) and do not threaten her life.

Verbally, you want to insult all of her life decisions, friends and family. Insult everything from her job to her body to her taste in men to her mother—everything. Don’t stop even when she cries. Now, taking the physical pain should also be no problem if you’re a real man. Feel free to protect your face (don’t want to look like you started up Fight Club 2005 or anything) but everything else is fair game. Let her pound away. It improves the sex because she’s got to really move to make you feel any pain (and that is one of her goals).

Now, if she’s really good at dishing out verbal abuse, she will enrage you. Be stoic, fellas. You feel nothing. You are the bringer of hate, not the taker of same. Do not let her get under your skin. As I mentioned, this is the hardest part. Do not take anything she says seriously. Like I said, if she’s good at this she will say some things that make you feel very, very, um, small. Be a man or use earplugs. Either way, remember, sticks and stones, right?

In conclusion, I’d just like to give a shout out to my mother, who has reinvigorated my love for writing and provided me with a wealth of topics for the future. You're getting the 1.75 liter bottle of Canadian whiskey this year, Ma.


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