“Harvard consistently rated Asian-American applicants lower than others on traits like ‘positive personality,’ likability, courage, kindness and being ‘widely respected,’ according to an analysis of more than 160,000 student records.”
— “Harvard Rated Asian-American Applicants Lower on Personality Traits, Suit Says” The New York Times, June 15, 2018


Have you shown that you’re kind?

Have you shown that you’re courageous?

Have you shown that you’re respected by others?

Have you put down that you want to major in social sciences, humanities, or arts?

Have you made sure that your teacher recommendations don’t contain the words “quiet,” “studious,” or “ethnic”?

Have you deleted piano, tennis, violin, badminton, and K-pop Fan Club from your activities list no matter how much you enjoy them?

Have you hacked into your school’s grading website and changed a few of your As to Bs, so you don’t come across as someone who only cares about grades and nothing else?

Have you evaded school photographers and missed every picture day, makeup picture day, and makeup-makeup picture day to guarantee that your guidance counselor can write your recommendation having never known your identity?

Have you made sure that none of your essays mention the delicious meals your mom makes, the traditions your grandparents taught you, or your experiences with racism?

Have you gotten your parents to donate $100 million to each of their alma maters, so they can change the schools’ names to something like “Northern University” or “Jones College,” and you can put down that your parents went to colleges that sound vaguely American?

Have you removed any awards related to science fairs, robotics competitions, and math tournaments from your list of honors, even if you spent years of your life preparing for them and they’re your proudest achievements?

Have you avoided hearing and speaking your parents’ native tongue for your entire life, so you can mark English as the only language you know?

Have you made sure to get exactly 1590 out of 1600 on the SAT to show that you’re highly capable of handling college coursework, but also avoid any suspicion that you’re an academic robot who dedicated all of your free time to studying in pursuit of a perfect score?

Have you written “I love learning” at least once somewhere in your essays?

Have you broken up your parents’ 20-year long marriage, introduced your mother to the poor man’s George Clooney down the street, and engineered their entire relationship, so they marry each other and you can legally change your last name?

Have you uprooted your family to live in a rural place with the closest alumnus located 214 miles away and sold all of your electronic devices with built-in cameras, so the only way your interviewer can reach you is by phone?

Have you gone back to your birth country, overthrown its government, gotten the US to annex the territory, persuaded the majority of its population to desire statehood, held a successful referendum to vote for statehood, overseen its adoption of a new government and constitution, convinced Congress to agree to accept it as a state, and coerced the President to sign the joint resolution, so you can mark that you were born in the United States?

Have you marked your race as “prefer not to answer”?


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