A profile picture is your Internet face. And, just like your real face, it will be severely critiqued by every person who sees it, so it’s important to get it right. Remember, even if your real face isn’t great, there’s no reason your Internet face can’t be.

The Mirror Pic

Guy mirror bathroom pic 

You may think this is a safe option. It’s just a harmless picture you took after a shit, right? Wrong. You thought you looked so good that day that you needed to commemorate it with a photo. Yeah, we can all tell. We know you only put this up to feed your constant need for attention, you narcissistic hiccup of a human being. We can also tell you just shit. 

The Beach Pic

Guy building a sandcastle at the beach 

Your week vacation to the beach was all fun on the bun in the sun. You swam, ate crab, and read 1/3 of a self-help entitled "Finishing What You Started." You also updated your profile pic to one of you building a sandcastle, you conceited approval junkie. Everyone can see you sucking in your stomach and flexing. You think location gives you the right to a shirtless pic? No one has that right (except celebrities, very attractive guys, and generally attractive girls).

The Caught Offguard Pic

Man looks into sunset pic 

"Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there. I was too busy glancing away deeply, looking off into this sunset." No you weren’t. You convinced your friend to come watch you watch a sunset, and then take pictures to make it seem like you don’t take pictures. Or that all you care about are sunsets. In fact…

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The Landscape Pic

Nature, am I right? Isn’t there something about rainbows, bridges, trees, and sunsets that just surpasses the egotism of your Internet face? No. There isn’t. Save it for your cover photo to prove that you like outdoors, which is a super cool interest that only you have. While wading through hundreds of pictures of old bridges to find the one that best represents you, did you forget that everyone already knows what a bridge looks like?

The Senior Pic

Okay, if you’re still a senior in high school, go for it. But now you’re a sophomore in college, and people are going to wonder why you haven’t been photographed in two years. Did you suffer some sort of face accident? Did you become a vampire? Are you afraid that this is the best you’ll ever look and your whole life has just been one downward spiral since you took Ashley Fishburne to prom and she said that you just don’t know how to be happy? …Or you’re a vampire that had a face accident?

The Party Pic

Guy partying pic 

We get it. You have friends. You drink alcohol. You are an interesting person who does things. You work hard, but you play harder. You stopped playing hard to line up with 3-6 friends, so that you could always remember the time you played so hard. You uploaded it, proving to the world just how hard you play. You don’t even find it hard to play so hard. You threw up in a sink later that night.

The Default Pic

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Default Facebook pic 

Perfect. No need for attention. No bragging. No trying to convey your personality through a picture. Just the nice gray shade of a silhouette. Unless, you actually do look like a vague gray outline of a human being, then I suggest you just go with the mirror pic… maybe see a doctor.

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