The Great Wall of Misunderstanding

Seven things Indian people find funny about the Chinese.

Cat with bowl on head

1. No speaky English.

The Chinese have made astonishing progress in the last few decades. They've gone on to become the second most powerful economy in the world, have built more skyscrapers in Shanghai than there are in Chicago, put together most of them, and yet still can't speak English. So, Chinese people, you're telling me you can comfortably talk and write in the world's most difficult language, Cantonese, but can't figure out a language as lame as English, with only 26 letters in its alphabet? I guess that's what happens when you're not colonized by the British: you suck at English and all those menial call center jobs don't go to you, they go to your neighbor.

2. Still with the chopsticks, really?

The Chinese eat with chopsticks. We Indians, who didn't know what table manners meant until the advent of the 21st century, are flabbergasted every time we see a Chinese guy eating with chopsticks. It's like watching Ripley's Believe it or Not!. Eating with chopsticks is as difficult as solving a 2nd degree homogenous equation and as ridiculous as Samsung SIII's price tag. Why can't you just use a fucking fork and spoon... or better, your hands, like us Indians. We use our hands for eating because for us it's like wearing jeans: easy, comfortable, hip, and trustworthy. You always know whether you've washed your hands or not, unlike the spoon and fork in the restaurant. If you get the point please pass it on to Oprah Winfrey. That bitch has been talking shit ever since she made her visit to India.

3. The Tibet thing is confusing.

Chinese oppression of the Tibetans has landed us in a lot of trouble. Many Tibetans took refuge in India to escape the Chinese totalitarian wrath and to continue the fight for their country's independence. So, there are a lot of Tibetans roaming around India. And every time we come across them it's a race issue. I mean, how the fuck are we supposed to know whether the guy practically half our height standing in front of us with small eyes is Tibetan, Chinese, Nepali, or Northeastern? Secular as we are, we tried to give them a common reference name: chinkies. Apparently they don't like it so much.

4. They've Great Walled themselves in.

The Chinese are fucking impractical. They built this great wall to protect themselves from other countries while the truth is, other countries need that very wall to protect themselves from the Chinese. (South Korea, India, Tibet, etc.)

5. Jackie Chan.

He might be a great actor, and the highest paid actor in Asia, but to us he is basically Rowan Atkinson with a Kung fu degree.

6. They're obsessed with the Olympic medal haul.

What the fuck is with all these gold medals? The number of gold medals the Chinese won this Olympics, given the value of gold, would surpass Haiti's GDP.

7. "Made in China" carries a little too much pride.

Nowadays China builds everything from DVD players to dildos. But while their products are as cheap as a Russian whore, they're as unreliable as a Russian condom. Also, the Chinese are great at copying. They've copied everything, from Apple's products to Chevrolet's designs, and are making more money than Bill Gates would have ever dreamt of. They say in our land that if you want to make it big in life, then either think like Steve Jobs or copy like the Chinese.

Disclaimer: This article might come across as racist and offensive, because it is. However, it was written in good humor and the Chinese are requested to take this light-heartedly, whatever that means in a Communist country. The author doesn't wish to offend the Chinese community because they might be short and cute-looking, but if Bruce Lee's movies are to be taken seriously, they are dangerous.



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