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Hotel developer Wen-I Chang recently completed the
Gaia Hotel and Spa, an environmentally friendly hotel located in
California's Napa Valley.
How environmentally friendly is it?
Guests at the hotel won't find a Gideon's bible in their nightstand, but
instead will be treated to a complimentary copy of Al Gore's
An Inconvenient Truth.
Somebody should warn Mr. Chang about the holy war he's liable to start. I'm
currently taking bets on how long it is before Pat Robertson or some other
member of the religious right comes out and condemns this “blasphemy.” The
over/under starts at around 12 hours.
Don't get me wrong. I think the coming free-for-all will be fun to watch. I'm
tired of the same old religions fighting. Watching the Jews and Palestinians
battle is like watching old tapes of Sugar Ray Robinson and Jake La Motta: you
can expect a good fight, but you know the Israelis (like Robinson) are going to
take five out of six fights.
Sunnis vs. Shiites? Please. This is like watching a featherweight fight.
You're impressed by the energy and enthusiasm, but you have no idea who either
fighter is.
Religions, like boxing, thrive on match-ups. Which is why this new bout is so
exciting. It shapes up to be a classic fight between the reigning heavyweight
champion, Christianity and the up-and-coming religion, Climate Change
Environmentalism.
It's CCD vs. CCE in a battle for the ages.
Let's take a look at the tale of the tape between Christianity in the red
corner and Environmentalism in the green corner:
Spokesperson/Savior: Jesus vs. Al Gore
Both failed to carry their home state first time around and both
rose again after being pronounced dead. Gore's political rebirth was
almost as impressive as Jesus' actual resurrection. Both
spokespersons groomed disciples to carry forth their message of
faith. Jesus walked on water but never managed to snag an Oscar. Son
of God has slight edge on charisma - he was able to captivate
audiences without using Power Point.
Advantage: Christianity
Promise We Hope Spokesman/Savior Keeps: “I Will Come Again” vs. “I
Won't Run Again”
Close call here. Even if Jesus did come again, there is some
question as to whether anyone would believe it. What could He
possibly do that hasn't already been done by David Blaine? While
there's no question a verified Jesus sighting would be front page
news, you have to wonder if the SoG could withstand the scrutiny of
his every quote being videotaped and posted/mashed on YouTube. On
the other hand, Gore can only go downhill from here. He already has
access to heads of state, the UN and Julia Roberts with none of the
responsibility and stress of daily Presidential duties. We still
don't understand why he hasn't dumped Tipper and started partying
with Lindsay Lohan or Scarlett Johanssen.
Advantage: Climate Change
Environmentalism
Article of Faith: “You'll get your reward in
Heaven” vs. “If we do nothing, the human race will cease to exist in 50 years”
It would seem like a no-brainer to party hard for 50 years and
then get your reward in heaven, thereby enjoying the best of both
worlds: guilt-free, hedonistic pleasure here on Earth and eternal
bliss in the hereafter. All of which would have been fine until the
global warming advocates started insisting that climate change was a
" moral issue." Talk about a buzz-kill. You mean to tell me my
chances of getting into Heaven depend on whether or not I recycle
and own a Prius? Luckily, both religions provide you with an out.
Christianity has confession and Environmentalism has carbon credits.
Either way you've got a way to absolve yourself of your sins and
still make it past the velvet rope into the big Hard Rock Cafe in
the sky.
Advantage: Draw
Punishment for Sins: "Plagues, floods and
eternal damnation" vs. "Plagues, floods and having to hear Laurie David say, 'I
told you so.'"
Suddenly, endless hellfire looks a lot more appealing. If the
climate change folks are correct, you'll probably be used to the
heat by that time, anyway.
Advantage: Christianity
Official Bible of the Religion: The Bible vs.
An Inconvenient Truth
Both books are filled with scary prophecies and wild tales about
a great flood. If you can believe two of every animal fit on the
Ark, then you probably don't have any problem with the Statue of
Liberty being under water in your lifetime. The main difference: the
Bible wasn't pretending to be a scientific presentation. Goodie bags
at the Oscars after-party don't match free food and wine provided by
Jesus at the outdoor preach-fest at the Sea of Galilee.
Advantage: Christianity
Most Famous Betrayer: Judas vs. Dr. Claude
Allegre
Judas obviously had a better public relations firm since, even
2000 years later, his name is still synonymous with “betrayal” while
few people outside of climate science have even heard of
Dr. Allegre. At least Judas also got 10 pieces of silver out of
the deal. Dr. Allegre appears to have switched positions due to
scientific integrity.
Advantage: Christianity
Drastic Method Proposed for Dealing with
Non-Believers: The Spanish Inquisition vs. Proposed
"Nuremberg" Trials for Climate Change Skeptics
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. On the other hand,
attempts to forcibly silence climate change skeptics can be expected
to appear with unsettling frequency in today's news headlines. There
is still debate in the Catholic Church about whether it was
appropriate to apologize for the Inquisition. Apologies from
heavy-handed climate change advocates won't be coming anytime soon.
Faced with the choice of being stretched on the rack or being forced
to use fluorescent bulbs, it makes sense to lay out a little cash
ahead of time for more expensive lighting. We can only hope that 600
years from now a comedy sketch group will be able to bring some
humor to the global warming debate. Until then, it's every heretic
for himself.
Advantage: Climate Change
Environmentalism
Religion's Benevolent Outlook Doesn't Extend To:
Gays vs. Michael Crichton
Being shunned, being vilified, encouraged to undergo
“deprogramming,” being denied basic rights… these are just some of
the actions taken against those considered to be in violation of the
religion's moral law. Not that there's anything wrong with being
Michael Crichton….
Advantage: Climate Change
Environmentalism
There you have it. Christianity looks to have the edge on paper, but it
should be a good fight. And the best part:
we've all got ringside seats.
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