When I graduated from college, I was a very confused person. They told me that since I was now educated in the Humanities, I had the broad picture of life. The theory was that, amid all those practical, near-sighted automatons who'd opted to attend technical school, I alone possessed sufficient vision to define the true parameters of man's social, moral, and ecological condition. Read More »

As a bit of a reclusive tween, Tuesdays were always the most important day of my week, as they were denoted "New Release Days" in North America. Since I was born an Only Child to an Only Child, I was treated many of these Tuesdays to a new album or two without much arm twisting on my part. Read More »

A couple of days ago I ran upon a site devoted solely to the telling of some of the most gruesome, disgusting, and downright hilarious dead baby jokes I have ever seen. I must admit, at first I felt like I had just purchased a one-way ticket on the train to hell merely by viewing this evil page. But as I continued reading these jokes, I realized I couldn't tear my eyes away from them. Read More »

When I first heard about the KFC Double Down I thought it was a joke. A friend of mine showed me a description of it online and it looked like an obese shut-in's wet dream. I thought it was just a funny internet thing because there's no way, in today's weight conscious world, where every other story on the news is a piece about obesity that shows random, fat asses walking down the street, that a "restaurant" would have the audacity to market a sandwich with fried chicken as the bread. I laughed at it, then went about my day. Read More »

Once upon a recession, a family of wandering gypsies arrived in America by way of steamer from Istanbul, and later, by banana freighter from Panama. The clan was headed by Haggar Dreg of the Hungarian Dregs, a stout, red-faced man with big hands and a devious heart. His wife Rubellah loved those big hands, and placed her trust in them because they never failed her. Read More »

The following are actual Facebook messages between my biological father and me. My biological father has been absent from my life since I was about five years old. After discovering him on Facebook—can you believe it? Read More »

It is a sad occurrence when you kill a cell phone. Aside from the expense and hassle to replace it, there is always that "why am I so stupid?" moment that feels strikingly similar to the moments leading up to a childhood spanking. Your service provider wrings its greedy hands in anticipation as you enter the store. Read More »

I was at a point in my life where daytime television fulfilled a void left by years of ambivalence, apathy, and inaction. High school was a distant memory and college was a breeding ground of yuppies and the kind of people whose smug satisfaction would only carry them as far as some corporate shill felt their name on a piece of paper was worth. Read More »

The key to attracting interest to your writing is to have a relevant, catchy title. The sanctity of one's asshole is as relevant a topic as there is. Not very catchy though.

Step 1: Buy an American automobile. Read More »

There was no getting around my issue: I had to take a crap. Weeks of dining hall food had finally taken its toll and I was down for the count. Unfortunately, the community style bathrooms made doing your business a matter of national concern. As anyone with a vagina knows, we don't want other people to hear us going to the bathroom. Read More »

I originally started this with "The thing about pissing in a public place is..." but that leaves practically no dramatic build and everyone knows you don't reveal the penis until the end of Act 1. I would have shot the proverbial load on the first sentence. But I guess now I actually still am. Regardless, I saw a homeless man's penis and this is the story. Read More »

It all started with DIY hair bleach and three bottles of Gentian Violet. (Note to all potential users: That shit does not play around. If you're planning on using it, find an industrial strength pair of plastic gloves and an open field. I spent three hours scrubbing the bathroom. Trust me on this one.) Read More »

Recently, while trying to overcome writer's block, I asked my friend Johnny to give me three random words that I would use to write a story about. The words he chose were vaginal, waterfall, and Jesus. This is what emerged.

"Another Long Island?" Read More »

As a friend once confided to me, "My girl's on the blob and she's wicked horny." Now that was true of his particular girlfriend, but until my last ex, I was never with a girl who didn't think that the only thing that was being shoved in her for one week every month was Ben and Jerry's. Read More »

The year was 1994. I was 12 years old. It was a summer I'd never forget and an event from which I would never recover. I got the call in August. After auditioning a couple months before, I'd almost forgotten about the show. But they called and said I'd made it. I'd be taping my episode in September. Read More »