There are moments in life that go beyond awkward and embarrassing and reach the point that you have to go home and either bury your head in your pillow or laugh like a madman while abusing yourself in whatever way you see fit. Read More »

It was nearing Christmas and I was out getting gifts for the orphans. The children had been so good that Sister Francis insisted I buy the kids gifts this year instead of making them watch reruns of Sex and the City while scrubbing my shoes. But I still say clean sneakers and Kristin Davis makes a nice Christmastide. Read More »

I had never set foot in California until I moved to San Francisco six months ago. Hell, I had barely e­ven been west of the Mississippi River before. Everyone kept telling me that it was the beginning of a new life for me. "New" was an understatement, though: I had spent nearly my entire life in Indiana. Nebraska was new; San Francisco was another planet. Read More »

St. Peter: Good evening sir, what's your name?

Frank: My name is... Frank. Frank McGraff.

St. Peter: Well, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Frank McGraff. What's wrong? You look a little bit nervous. Read More »

I'm trying to figure out the exact reason why I'm fat. It might have something to do with that pizza I just ate, and those chicken wings, and that cheesy bread. And that other pizza. I guess the science behind the increasing mass of my behind is that when you consume more energy than you burn, none of my pants fit anymore. Read More »

With one semester left and all my business and engineering classes completed with passing grades, I had filled my schedule with the remainder of my humanities, social sciences, and free elective requirements. After three straight years of technical subject matter and bell curves, I was pumped for my fluffy final semester. Read More »

I stepped off the plane, grinning ear to ear, and a volcanic backdraft struck me head-on. I reeled back and had to steady myself against the passenger behind me, apologizing profusely in true British style. I don't do well in the heat—I don't know whether I have an abnormally high blood temperature or whatever, but it always feels to me about ten degrees warmer than the thermometer insists. Read More »

"Hey, David," I say to the cashier manning the register at my all-time favorite gas station. I have a soft spot for gas stations for two reasons: nonjudgment and proximity. I would come in all hours of the day and night and David would only give me a smile and a wave. Read More »

When the Miami Heat lost the NBA Championship, a sigh of relief went out in 49 states. You see, most of America learned to resent all things LeBron James in just one year's time. Did he run a dog fighting ring? Did he cheat on his wife with 20 different women? Did he take steroids? Read More »

She said she was in love. I took a sip of my water. I guess we'll carry on at last. We were sitting outside of a coffee shop, the rush of traffic livening up our conversation so much so that she was basically shouting at me. It was late July in Portland, the sun shining at full blast, teasing me about hope and life and the American Dream. Read More »

My friend Todd went out with a big girl. When I say big, I don't mean fat, I just mean big in the sense of BIG—think Amazonian. She was tall, over six feet, with the body to match. Big muscular thighs and a matching overbearing torso, complete with an enormous chest. Read More »

Spring is in full effect. Romance is in the air. Skirts are getting shorter and the number of public erections are on the rise (see what I did there?). It's the time of year when, shaking off the cold sting of winter, hearts open up and we all start feeling the latent desire for companionship. Read More »

The bell rings signaling the end of another school day and the start to a weekend. Kids bustle past me like I don't exist. Which, to them, I probably don't. I'm just another obstacle in their way of freedom. Everything's different, but in a way, it's still just the same. That might sound deep and moving, but trust me, it's not supposed to be. Read More »

It was a particularly depressing winter semester, so my classmate Geoff and I blackmailed a few naughty professors and swung down to Oahu for a week. It was a character defining trip, and I would return with a new sense of my manliness. In other words, I've accepted that on occasion I can be a little pussy bitch. Read More »

Over my winter break, I adopted a two-year-old boxer/hound mix, formerly abused, and very timid. Her name is Tessa, and she's my best friend/only child. However, there are two things keeping us from having that perfect fairytale family. One: my dog is neurotic, and two: I'm a horrible dog-mommy. Read More »