Funny Stories

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Jeremy Gendelman's picture

Blind People Be Trippin', Ya'll

Something awful happened to me today. It was one of the most heart-jolting, soul-wrenching, brain-numbing things I have ever lived through as a human being, and I am still reeling. It called into question everything I thought I knew about the human experience and probed the very fiber of my morality. It was mind-altering, time-halting, existential. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

Practicing Communism in Everyday Situations

Communist Starbucks logo

Last week I was in Starbucks and someone called me a Communist. At first, I was upset because I thought she had called me a "columnist," a jab aimed at insulting the information I was providing to another person in line about the high-fat content of the soy latte. (A soy latte, by the way, is no better than a non-soy latte. Read More »

David Thorp's picture

Real-Life Hookup Adventures from the AOL Chatroom Days

AOL chatroom logo

Before all the sick pedophiles and criminals had to go and ruin the social outlook on internet hookups, there was actually a time when young individuals like me could engage available girls in pithy dialogue and then crudely arrange the subsequent romantic encounters without much of a challenge, pretty much on a regular basis. Read More »

Justin Gawel's picture

When Family Movie Night Turns NC-17

Matthew McConnaghey naked

Life decisions were no longer being scrutinized and grudges were done taking root for now; family dinner had ended. Tonight, however, had been tamer than previous dinners. Tonight we had eaten Shake n' Bake and everyone adored Shake n' Bake. Read More »

Kelly Jean Jindra's picture

Breaking Up with Molly

Molly Indian kiss

"Is there a Nathan here?" asked a nurse.

"Yes, that's me," I replied.

"Molly wants to see you."

I was sitting in the waiting room playing Angry Birds on my phone to distract myself, thinking back on how all of this had started: simple goodbye sex. After all, I had needed a proper parting with all of Molly. Read More »

Liz Mairead's picture

One Time I Fell Out of a Tree

Tall tree to climb

It started with boredom, and it snowballed into an emergency room visit. Well, there weren't snowballs involved, but snow was a definite factor. Read More »

Anna Kate Gedal's picture

Why You Should Never Work at Sizzler

Sizzler Steakhouse logo

Her name was Shaleen. Not Sha-leen, or Shay-leen, Shhh-leen. "My name is Shaleen." The words poured coldly out of her mouth as she introduced herself during our first shift together at the flagship Sizzler steakhouse in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah. "My name is Anna," I exclaimed in my friendly voice that I'd been practicing for my new Western home. Read More »

James Boulstridge's picture

My Four Years of Falling in Love with Prostitutes

Prostitute with dollar bills in high heels

Maybe you live in a fine, quiet, suburban neighborhood; a place with money, and but one STD going around from a well-known culprit (hint: it's the hitchhiking hobo just come into town, and it ain't Jack Reacher). Not me. I live in what is termed "a poor man's Brighton." Seeing as Brighton is the gay capital of Europe, a haven for AIDS, thinking about what a poor man's penis must look like where I'm from is a sad state of affairs indeed. It is essentially one enormous genital wart. Nobody sleeps in a poor man's Brighton. Read More »

Deece Casillas's picture

The Express Oil Change from Hell

Oil Can Henry's sign

In my life I strive to avoid two things: inconvenience, and brainless idiots. Yet somehow I managed to find a place that conveniently carries both under the same roof: Oil Can Henry's. It's like some sort of "Teenagers Stricken with Fetal Alcohol Emporium." And they're even ballsy enough to call these people "employees." I think "employees" is used graciously in this context because it implies that they're doing a specified job for a previously agreed upon hourly wage. I assure you they are providing no desired service. Read More »

Peter McArthur's picture

How I Sold My BS in Nutrition

Laird Hamilton doing a pushup

The number one rule of bullshitting: If you know you don't have the tools or experience, think of someone who does and pretend to be them. So for one evening, I was Laird Hamilton, soul surfer and fitness guru. But let's back up a bit. Read More »

Ryan DeCurtidor's picture

The Tax Man Cometh

Tax man in Statue of Liberty costume

This is not a day for fucking around. Today is a day for fraying steel nerves. Today is a day that snaps twigs like men. Today is a day for only blue or black ink. With a mouthful of coffee, a noseful of shoe-sole glue, and a slap in the face, you greet 6:00am with all smiles, and prepare for work. Read More »

Adam Hornyak's picture

I Steal Breakfast

Free hotel breakfast

I know this is a humor website, but all joking aside, I steal food. Please allow me to explain. I live alone in the middle of nowhere, and work out of my house, so occasionally I feel the need to get out of my place, very often to buy alcohol or hit on women, but mostly to keep myself sane by interacting with real people rather than the voices in my head. Read More »

Rick Dietrick's picture

Porter Potter Elementary, The School That Gives a Crap

Portopotty with a guy giving thumbs up

1. The Speech

Good afternoon moms and dads and boys and girls and, well, everybody. I'm Vice Principal Rudd. Welcome to Porter Potter Elementary School's annual Spring Thing Carnival, a cornucopia of fun and delights. As you know, this festival is sponsored by the PTA and honors the founding father of our fair city, Porter Potter. Porter Potter, the inventor of the PortoPotty, The Crapper That Changed The West. Not only did this great man pioneer better more comfortable hygiene with his patented padded seat, he put to work, and his company continues to employ, the majority of citizens of Potter City today. Read More »

Alena Dillon's picture

Now I Know Why Strippers Don't Eat Indian Food

Stripper pole dancing

My husband Phil calls me a lazy cook and I don't know why. So what if I chop all ingredients as if I'm preparing stew chunky enough for Jack's Giant? Some people, especially barbarians and those who like to approach a meal as a challenge, prefer it that way. Just because I don't dice peppers with the elegance and care of a heart surgeon (if heart surgeons dice) doesn't mean that I'm lazy. It just means that I'm time efficient. Inefficiency in the kitchen not only calls for extra chopping, flipping, or stirring, it also requires superfluous cleaning, and that is another demand I won't stand for. Read More »

GE's picture

We'll Take on Obama, Man

Ford F-150 truck jump

BOB: Male 50's conservative
JOHN: Male 50's conservative Fox News watcher
CLETUS: Hillbilly hip-hop gangster

BOB is driving his truck. JOHN is riding shotgun. Both are enjoying coffee. In any town ‘merica.

BOB: Anyhoo, I've been meaning to tell you something. Read More »



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