The number one rule of bullshitting: If you know you don't have the tools or experience, think of someone who does and pretend to be them. So for one evening, I was Laird Hamilton, soul surfer and fitness guru. But let's back up a bit. Read More »

This is not a day for fucking around. Today is a day for fraying steel nerves. Today is a day that snaps twigs like men. Today is a day for only blue or black ink. With a mouthful of coffee, a noseful of shoe-sole glue, and a slap in the face, you greet 6:00am with all smiles, and prepare for work. Read More »

I know this is a humor website, but all joking aside, I steal food. Please allow me to explain. I live alone in the middle of nowhere, and work out of my house, so occasionally I feel the need to get out of my place, very often to buy alcohol or hit on women, but mostly to keep myself sane by interacting with real people rather than the voices in my head. Read More »

1. The Speech

Good afternoon moms and dads and boys and girls and, well, everybody. I'm Vice Principal Rudd. Welcome to Porter Potter Elementary School's annual Spring Thing Carnival, a cornucopia of fun and delights. As you know, this festival is sponsored by the PTA and honors the founding father of our fair city, Porter Potter. Porter Potter, the inventor of the PortoPotty, The Crapper That Changed The West. Not only did this great man pioneer better more comfortable hygiene with his patented padded seat, he put to work, and his company continues to employ, the majority of citizens of Potter City today. Read More »

My husband Phil calls me a lazy cook and I don't know why. So what if I chop all ingredients as if I'm preparing stew chunky enough for Jack's Giant? Some people, especially barbarians and those who like to approach a meal as a challenge, prefer it that way. Just because I don't dice peppers with the elegance and care of a heart surgeon (if heart surgeons dice) doesn't mean that I'm lazy. It just means that I'm time efficient. Inefficiency in the kitchen not only calls for extra chopping, flipping, or stirring, it also requires superfluous cleaning, and that is another demand I won't stand for. Read More »

BOB: Male 50's conservative
JOHN: Male 50's conservative Fox News watcher
CLETUS: Hillbilly hip-hop gangster

BOB is driving his truck. JOHN is riding shotgun. Both are enjoying coffee. In any town ‘merica.

BOB: Anyhoo, I've been meaning to tell you something. Read More »

Scott F. Willard sat on his jail cell's cot and waited for the prison guard to take him to the courthouse, where he'd hear a lawyer try to convince a jury that he was an accomplice to mass murder.

It's not fair. I was just an actor—acting as a company's spokesman, Scott thought. When does acting deserve a death sentence? Well, maybe if you're a real bad actor you deserve death. But I was good! Maybe too good. But— Read More »

Note: Read the original "My First Day of School" piece that inspired this ongoing Aristocrats-style series.

I will never forget my first day at Kingston Brothers Circus to the Stars. Believe me, I have tried my hardest, but I recall it like it was yesterday. I wouldn't say I have the sharpest of memories; sometimes my thinking is a little muddy, I accept that. It's why I couldn't remember all they asked me on the witness stand in Denver (those Dirty Birds). But the nightmares that frequent my sleep seem determined to keep the details of that day fresh in my mind. Read More »

Note: Read the original "My First Day of School" piece that inspired this ongoing Aristocrats-style series.

I will never forget my first day at Kingston Elementary. Believe me, I've tried to my hardest to forget, but I recall it like it was yesterday. I wouldn't say I have the sharpest memory, but the dreams that frequent my sleep seem determined to keep the details fresh in my mind. Read More »

Note: Read the original "My First Day of School" piece that inspired this ongoing Aristocrats-style series.

I will never forget my first day at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows. Believe me, I have tried my hardest, but I recall it like it was yesterday. I wouldn't say I have the sharpest of memories, but the nightmares that frequent my sleep seem determined to keep the details of that day fresh in my mind. Read More »

Note: Read the original "My First Day of School" piece that inspired this ongoing Aristocrats-style series.

I will never forget my first day of senility. The unattended stovetop, the remote control in the microwave, the overflowing pill box. Believe me, I have tried my hardest, but I just can't recall it like it was yesterday. I wouldn't say I have the sharpest of memories, but the nightmares that frequent my sleep seem determined to keep the details of that day fresh in my mind. Read More »

Note: Read the original "My First Day of School" piece that inspired this ongoing Aristocrats-style series.

I will never forget my first day at Alcoholics Anonymous, although believe me, I've destroyed enough brain cells since then to try. I wouldn't say I have the sharpest mind anymore, but in my more lucid moments, I still recall how my hands shook as I approached the door. Read More »

Note: Read the original "My First Day of School" piece that inspired this ongoing Aristocrats-style series.

I will never forget my first day at Kingston Cemetery. Believe me, I have tried my hardest, but I recall it like it was yesterday. I wouldn't say I have the sharpest of memories, but the nightmares that frequent my sleep seem determined to keep the details of that day fresh in my mind. Read More »

Note: Read the original "My First Day of School" piece that inspired this ongoing Aristocrats-style series. 

I will never forget my first day at Kingston Penitentiary. Believe me, I have tried my hardest, but I recall it like it was yesterday. I wouldn't say I have the sharpest of memories, but the nightmares that frequent my sleep seem determined to keep the details of that day fresh in my mind. Read More »

I will never forget my first day at Kingston Elementary School. Believe me, I have tried my hardest, but I recall it like it was yesterday. I wouldn't say I have the sharpest of memories, but the nightmares that frequent my sleep seem determined to keep the details of that day fresh in my mind. Read More »