Funny Stories

Crazy but true stories, exaggerated tales, short fiction, and poignant reflections, neatly packaged for your enjoyment. Submit an article »

Ben Sarat's picture

My Week with Carolyn

My Week with Marilyn in sunglasses

Day 1

Monday starts like any other Monday for Carolyn: a dead antelope carcass in the bookcase, a vinyl Ludacris album skipping on the stereo, and a Rabbi reciting a fake Torah portion on The Jewish Channel. I nibble on some cold tomato soup as Carolyn emerges from her lair in the laundry room. She mutters something about a Beatles concert she went to in 2002 and then heads to the lavatory. Read More »

Mark Loper's picture

The Boy Who Cried Fuck

The boy did like to party. He went out every night of the week, and if he wasn't hanging out with his friends he was out dancing, drinking, or maybe going to a basketball game. Read More »

James McDuff's picture

The Highs and Lows of Touring with a Moderately Successful Rock Band

Touring and sharing small, intimate spaces with people you don't like being intimate with is tough. Hi, I'm James, guitarist to a rock-band extraordinaire that our lawyers have wisely advised under no circumstance should be affiliated with my writing and all names changed to protect the innocent. Want to know the highs and lows of touring with a top-notch, moderately successful rock outfit? Read More »

Mike Bellinger's picture

The Day I Turned Your Mom Upside Down

Your Mom! joke

"Your mom!"

"Your mom's so fat... she jumped up in the air and got stuck" "...every time she turns it's her birthday "...she went to the movies and sat next to everyone" Etc etc etc. Read More »

Chad Russell's picture

Dear Vanessa, The Salmon Stole Your Lover

Salmon cut into a heart shape

Dearest Vanessa,

I fear that by the time you read will be too late. Forgive me, Vanessa. I am so sorry. As you are reading this, your fiancé is lost—caught in an act of obsessive compulsion that I, too, have fallen into. There was no malice in my intention—to take him away was not my intention. We were only going to try it once. Read More »

Jeremy Gendelman's picture

Blind People Be Trippin', Ya'll

Something awful happened to me today. It was one of the most heart-jolting, soul-wrenching, brain-numbing things I have ever lived through as a human being, and I am still reeling. It called into question everything I thought I knew about the human experience and probed the very fiber of my morality. It was mind-altering, time-halting, existential. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

Practicing Communism in Everyday Situations

Communist Starbucks logo

Last week I was in Starbucks and someone called me a Communist. At first, I was upset because I thought she had called me a "columnist," a jab aimed at insulting the information I was providing to another person in line about the high-fat content of the soy latte. (A soy latte, by the way, is no better than a non-soy latte. Read More »

David Thorp's picture

Real-Life Hookup Adventures from the AOL Chatroom Days

AOL chatroom logo

Before all the sick pedophiles and criminals had to go and ruin the social outlook on internet hookups, there was actually a time when young individuals like me could engage available girls in pithy dialogue and then crudely arrange the subsequent romantic encounters without much of a challenge, pretty much on a regular basis. Read More »

Justin Gawel's picture

When Family Movie Night Turns NC-17

Matthew McConnaghey naked

Life decisions were no longer being scrutinized and grudges were done taking root for now; family dinner had ended. Tonight, however, had been tamer than previous dinners. Tonight we had eaten Shake n' Bake and everyone adored Shake n' Bake. Read More »

Kelly Jean Jindra's picture

Breaking Up with Molly

Molly Indian kiss

"Is there a Nathan here?" asked a nurse.

"Yes, that's me," I replied.

"Molly wants to see you."

I was sitting in the waiting room playing Angry Birds on my phone to distract myself, thinking back on how all of this had started: simple goodbye sex. After all, I had needed a proper parting with all of Molly. Read More »

Liz Mairead's picture

One Time I Fell Out of a Tree

Tall tree to climb

It started with boredom, and it snowballed into an emergency room visit. Well, there weren't snowballs involved, but snow was a definite factor. Read More »

Anna Kate Gedal's picture

Why You Should Never Work at Sizzler

Sizzler Steakhouse logo

Her name was Shaleen. Not Sha-leen, or Shay-leen, Shhh-leen. "My name is Shaleen." The words poured coldly out of her mouth as she introduced herself during our first shift together at the flagship Sizzler steakhouse in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah. "My name is Anna," I exclaimed in my friendly voice that I'd been practicing for my new Western home. Read More »

James McDuff's picture

My Four Years of Falling in Love with Prostitutes

Prostitute with dollar bills in high heels

Maybe you live in a fine, quiet, suburban neighborhood; a place with money, and but one STD going around from a well-known culprit (hint: it's the hitchhiking hobo just come into town, and it ain't Jack Reacher). Not me. I live in what is termed "a poor man's Brighton." Seeing as Brighton is the gay capital of Europe, a haven for AIDS, thinking about what a poor man's penis must look like where I'm from is a sad state of affairs indeed. It is essentially one enormous genital wart. Nobody sleeps in a poor man's Brighton. Read More »

Deece Casillas's picture

The Express Oil Change from Hell

Oil Can Henry's sign

In my life I strive to avoid two things: inconvenience, and brainless idiots. Yet somehow I managed to find a place that conveniently carries both under the same roof: Oil Can Henry's. It's like some sort of "Teenagers Stricken with Fetal Alcohol Emporium." And they're even ballsy enough to call these people "employees." I think "employees" is used graciously in this context because it implies that they're doing a specified job for a previously agreed upon hourly wage. I assure you they are providing no desired service. Read More »

Peter McArthur's picture

How I Sold My BS in Nutrition

Laird Hamilton doing a pushup

The number one rule of bullshitting: If you know you don't have the tools or experience, think of someone who does and pretend to be them. So for one evening, I was Laird Hamilton, soul surfer and fitness guru. But let's back up a bit. Read More »

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