I originally started this with "The thing about pissing in a public place is..." but that leaves practically no dramatic build and everyone knows you don't reveal the penis until the end of Act 1. I would have shot the proverbial load on the first sentence. But I guess now I actually still am. Regardless, I saw a homeless man's penis and this is the story. Read More »

It all started with DIY hair bleach and three bottles of Gentian Violet. (Note to all potential users: That shit does not play around. If you're planning on using it, find an industrial strength pair of plastic gloves and an open field. I spent three hours scrubbing the bathroom. Trust me on this one.) Read More »

Recently, while trying to overcome writer's block, I asked my friend Johnny to give me three random words that I would use to write a story about. The words he chose were vaginal, waterfall, and Jesus. This is what emerged.

"Another Long Island?" Read More »

As a friend once confided to me, "My girl's on the blob and she's wicked horny." Now that was true of his particular girlfriend, but until my last ex, I was never with a girl who didn't think that the only thing that was being shoved in her for one week every month was Ben and Jerry's. Read More »

The year was 1994. I was 12 years old. It was a summer I'd never forget and an event from which I would never recover. I got the call in August. After auditioning a couple months before, I'd almost forgotten about the show. But they called and said I'd made it. I'd be taping my episode in September. Read More »

A long, long time ago God was all alone in the world. He lived alone, ate alone and drank alone. He had no friends, no followers, no believers—just himself and all the power in the universe. Read More »

We've all been there. Jay-walking our way through those mean streets, between one meth dose and the next, when the ADD kicks in and the stalking begins. The victim to such stalking will usually be quite the eccentricity herself. In this case, she was wearing a Wonder Woman... or maybe it was a Superwoman costume. Read More »

I arrived at the bar sometime around ten, much earlier than I usually do, but I felt like getting a head start. "Live Nudes" flashed on the neon sign in downtown Hollywood, Florida. On the west side of 201st street, in a neighborhood where the glory days passed with the Reagan administration, sits the underground Hell's Angels watering hole "Rough Around the Edges." Read More »

I occasionally like finishing my nights out with a fat boy special. Often this coincides with the time day-walkers are out for breakfast. This is an account of such a situation.

* * *

"Sir, there's a huge queue forming behind you, please just take your burgers." Read More »

I remember my first real crush. I was 6 or 7 years old, back in a time when love was sweet, pure and innocent. Untainted by the certainties of the world. All that existed was sweet naiveté. Read More »

The beginning of Spring. So much promise, yet still so much crappy weather and so much class left before summer. That horrible time of year in between the end of football and the start of baseball seasons, with only your March Madness bracket (damn you Gonzaga, you break my heart every year!)and Girl Scout cookies to keep you going. Read More »

A dwarf in a pink Easter bunny costume was beating a midget, in a Superman outfit, with a Black Mamba dildo. The carnage was contained to a small boxing ring that had been assembled in the middle of an empty field. A buxom blonde with huge surgically-altered tits officiates the match—her shirt is tied in the back and hugs her breasts tightly. Read More »

I'm pretty sure this is the latest it's ever been and Chris Browning would want to know. That guy appreciates important moments in history. That's what makes him a golden god. He'd understand how fucking late it was and how great we were for being a part of it. Read More »

(A transcript of someone who really hates Christopher Columbus.)

The following conversation took place between 4:43 and 4:44pm at a bus stop between a probably insane person and someone who did not want to hear his crazy rant. Read More »

It was Halloween, and TheAntelope could not be more excited.  Every costume imaginable was there with the word "slutty" in front of it.  Nurse?  Slutty nurse.  Fireman?  Slutty fireman.  Slut?  Slutty slut.  Hundreds of people thrilled that they finally had an excuse to dress like a whore and get away with it.  Sluts were everywhere.

Including the laundry room. Read More »