We thought death was the end…. It was only the beginning….

The Mayans said "You shall be fucked four times before the end approaches." Mayan Book..- – – . .-. -… ..- .-.. .-.. … …. .. –

We are on our last fuck, of these last days. Should we give it to save humanity? Listen, as I, Kekedamus, prepare you for what’s to come. It’s the Rapeocalpyse! Buckle up, it’s going to be a dirty, nasty, messed up ride.

The First Fuck: Snake in the Grass

At the dawn of time, the universe was skeeted out. Maury said you, the daddy (with little fanfare) and a snake dildoed sin into our lives. This was the first fuck. It was given, written, and we began our gradual decent into degenerate-dom.

The Second Fuck: Mayan Prophecy

The Mayans were able to see into the future. They chose to give us a stern warning. It was written that one day, "as man’s humanity sets, the darkness shall break, to a new dawn, and insanity shall take hold of the world. The great destroyer shall rise in the image of your weak, downtrodden, unfuckable, lowly masses. And, their destruction shall be absolute." Mayan Book ..- – – . .-. -… ..- .-.. .-.. … …. .. –

We mocked the Mayan’s call, and their warning turned into a guarantee of what was to come, playing out over some thousand, million, billion, how many years. That was the second fuck. It was given, but we didn’t care to accept.

The Third Fuck: The Factor of 1

Walt Disney dolls
Walt Disney prepares to manipulate the masses.
The year 1901 ushered in the beginning of the end with the birth of Walt Disney, the great demented one. In 1901 Allan Upward also coined the term "Scientology." And, since Twilight was published in 2005, and Edward is supposedly 104 years old, you guessed it, he was born in 1901. From that moment on, years ending in "1" have been of great importance in the downfall of man. In 1911, a bouncing hustler was born: L. Ron Hubbard. Hitler became leader of the NSDAP in 1921. Horrible attacks have happened in these years (Pearl Harbor etc.), the first man went into space in 1961, and in 1971 the Earth was blessed with the birth of Tupac.

You may say these events are all unrelated. Well, prepare to be mind-fucked!

L. Ron perfected the art of developing a highly illogical idea, and getting the rich, powerful, and stupid to follow. His plan was great, but not nearly powerful enough. He had to do more. L. Ron knew he needed help. He couldn’t do it by himself. This is where Walt name in.

Walt Disney put forth the ground work for the end of days. Those beautiful Disney princesses served one purpose, and one alone: diminish the self-esteem of young impressionable idiots—the masses. The snake got to Eve, but Disney knew he would need to manipulate many.

Slowly but surely, Edward and Bella didn’t fuck, and fat ladies fucked themselves while McDonald’s raped their waistlines. Making sense yet? Of course not. But it will.

In 2001, Apple and its owner, Steve Jobs, opened the first Apple retail store. Harmless? I think not. Jobs knew that the next phase in the world’s grand destruction was near and he would have to leave the public eye and life as he knew it in 2011. Apple secretly created the holographic technology to not only project Tupac to millions, but effectively raise people from the dead. Steve died, but Tupac, he was risen.

Jobs was also a pioneer in making technology accessible for the masses. Selfless revolutionary? Not a chance. Before men came back as holograms, they got reincarnated. Tupac was simply a diversion, a pawn to distract from what was to come, while everyone watched.

Steve Jobs provided the vessel for L. Ron’s return, but the iFuck resurrection didn’t go exactly as planned. In a cruel twist of fate, L. Ron rose from the grave as an overweight middle-aged woman named Stephanie Meyers. Their plan seemed doomed, but ever the optimist, Hubbard realized it was the perfect vessel to speak to the majority of society: the pathetic.

The third fuck came where there was no fucking. We all laughed, and mocked the homely, obese, unattractive, borderline pathetic ramblings of Stephanie Meyers. Vampires who did not fuck badass-edly, and instead glittered? Ha! But what we didn’t know was that Twilight would rapidly morph into a powerful force—the greatest, most illogical, mind-numbing religion of them all! It was perfect.

Meyers would succeed where Zenu had failed. Sure, John Travolta was an overweight lesbian, taking over the world one masseuse at a time, but Hubbard knew he had to work faster. What better way to amass an army of loyal followers than to prey on their weakness: their neglected fatginas.

Slowly but surely, Edward and Bella didn’t fuck, and fat ladies fucked themselves while McDonald’s raped their waistlines. They were wooed since birth by Ronnie McD pushing those little dolls—Disney princesses—they could never be like. Rick Ross says he hoped to look his killers in his eyes; these women did, and his name was The Colonel. (Those 11 herbs and spices were not by chance; it was destiny.)

The release of Breaking Dawn in 2011 basically signed our fate as millions flocked to the theaters to be brainwashed, none suspecting what was to come. The Mayan prophecies were coming true.

The Fourth Fuck: The End of Days

The world will end in 2012, as the Mayans predicted. In November, on the dawn of Breaking Dawn, Meyers shall summon the lowly masses in droves, suck out their diabetic, calorific life force, and use their bodies to destroy the non-believers. In one day, the fat and pathetic shall inherit the Earth, feeding off the normal and the fit. The Earth shall end with the rise of the unfuckable, thus bringing in the final fuck.

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