I’m a foodie at heart, but I’m cheap and lazy in reality. Luckily, with a bit of elbow grease and a lot of elbow macaroni, I’ve figured out a way to both have my free cake and eat it to excess.
Five Guys "Endless Peanuts" Standoff
Forget the burgers, those succulent bacon burgers will set you back a steep $7.75. This here’s a challenge in stealth.
The name of the game: see how long you can munch on the buffet of peanuts before someone asks you to actually place an order. To make it harder, start throwing your discarded nut casings at those customers flaunting their disposable income.
Pro tip: get multiple trays and build a fortress to keep out the shame.
The Saltine Water Challenge
Everyone knows you can’t eat six Saltines in a minute. Everyone also knows that Saltines cost money. So do the next best thing and go to a public beach. Can you drink six gallons of salt water in an ocean? Wake up from your inevitable CPR session to find out!
Chick-Fil-A "Tub ‘O Sauce" Request
Wear a bright tank top and ask for, verbatim, "a whole tub of your sauce." Be sure to lisp.
When they kick you out, find and solicit advice from the best lawyer currently commenting on Yahoo! Answers. Fight for your rights in court; you’ve seen A Few Good Men and can quote every line, so you’ll hold your own.
Will you win? No.
Will they settle out of court? Maybe.
Will you be able to post smug, self-serving statuses on your Facebook for years to come, talking about how you can now identify with "the struggle," burying yourself in the blizzard of likes and good-for-you’s that will come about as a result of your pandering, a blizzard some doctors have found to provide the greatest nourishment of all? Absolutely.
The "Ain’t Never No Cinnamon" Lie
Don’t buy cinnamon. Ever. Even if it’s beyond necessary, like when you’re making apple-cinnamon pancakes for brunch with your friends. Lie. Say that Safeway was completely out and, like, "What are the odds that that would happen today of all days." Or that there was an explosion at the cinnamon factory. Is cinnamon even made in a factory? Probably not! But say it with enough conviction and you’ll be all set.
In the meantime, ask one of your lower-tier friends (likely named "Deborah" or some shit) to help out just this once and then go back to ignoring her in the weeks to follow.
The Hooters "Hold It In" Challenge
Just eat a bunch at Hooters without throwing up. Seven or eight wings worth—that should be plenty. If you succeed, you’re actually entitled to a Hooters franchise of your own, which brings with it a slightly smaller income than what you currently have. But don’t worry, your new business cards are a great source of fiber.