Call me Melania.

Hello, babies. Welcome to Cleveland. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded, and home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Ich bin ein Clevelander.

Dictionary.com defines a speech as “a form of communication in spoken language, made by a speaker before an audience for a given purpose.” If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy, Yugoslav childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and about how I posed nude on the cover of British GQ, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I am so happy to be here. I love my husband, and my two daughters, Sasha and Malia.

Donald believes that people will forget what you’ve said, they’ll forget what you did, but they won’t forget a 1,000 mile border wall.Four score and seven years ago, and then seventeen years after that, a date that will live in infamy, Fred and Mary Anne Trump brought forth on this continent a new man, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men can make billions, and date models, and have huge, beautiful hands, as well as various other parts of his body. A man who knows that all lives are equal, but some lives are more equal than others, that campaigning means never having to say you’re sorry, and that the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he had a U.S. birth certificate. A man who knows that human rights are men’s rights, and men’s rights are human rights, who says what he feels, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

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That man was Donald Trump.

Donald believes that people will forget what you’ve said, they’ll forget what you did, but they won’t forget a 1,000 mile border wall. He believes that you should shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll have a missile strong enough to scare the North Koreans. He believes you shouldn’t cry because it’s over, but smile because you’re not a sissy. He believes a home without guns is like a body without a soul. He would believe that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, except that his hands are so big that he’s never missed a shot.

Oh, the places Donald will go.

I only regret that I have but one speech to give for my country, a country where a girl from the South Side of Chicago can go to college and law school, and the son of a single mother from Hawaii can go all the way to the White House. So, let me assert that the only thing we have to fear is the rest of the world. Do one thing every day that scares it.

And so farewell from your little droog. And to all others in this story profound shooms of lip-music brrrrr. And they can kiss my sharries. But you, O my brothers, remember sometimes thy little Melania that was. Amen. And all that cal.

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