Fire drills. A quintessential part of every child’s experience in elementary school. As an adult, there are myriad sticky situations that we should be as prepared for as we were for fires. Here are specially designed drills to get you out of some of life’s most common crises.


First Date Drill

You’re on a first date and you know it’s going poorly. Maybe there’s no chemistry. Maybe you’re being your usual awkward self. Maybe your date is lost in their phone while you’re describing your last trip to Walmart in unnecessarily vivid detail. Here’s what you need to practice to navigate yourself through a bad first date debacle.

1. Excuse yourself to the bathroom.
2. Make yourself cry—think about the ending of Coco or whatever gets those faucets runing.
3. Return to your date and say you are sorry but you have to leave, with your face glistening with tears. No one would dare question your tears.
4. Now you are free to go home, boot up Netflix, and forget that the last hour and a half ever existed

Practice this at home once a month to prepare.


Job Interview Drill

In terms of emotions, there isn't much of a difference between an awkward first date and a job interview. In both cases, you're left questioning your purpose in life. Here is the proper protocol to help you navigate any job interview.

1. Remember that every question is a test so when they say “how are you?” reply “Goal-oriented, thank you.”
2. Be confident but subtle. Frequently tap out “I'm a team player” in Morse code on the desk while you're talking.
3. Maintain eye contact throughout the interview by training your eyes to work independently like a chameleon.

Run through these exercises weekly in your bathroom mirror.


Work Overload Drill

If you’ve ever made the mistake of saying “yes” to everything that anyone has ever asked of you at work, you know that you can quickly be buried in extra work that you don’t have time for. No good deed goes unnoticed by the lazy. The following drill will help you avoid getting too much on your plate.

1. Prioritize your tasks.
2. Say “no” if someone asks you take on work that you don’t have time for. Tell them “I’m afraid the work might suffer.”
3. Keep snacks on your desk to console the person you just said no to.

Once a month, drill this by saying “no” to everything asked of you for a whole day.


Dinner Indecision Drill

Millions of years of evolution have molded us into a species that consistently struggles to decide what to have for dinner. Here is the protocol to help you decide so you’re not left eating raisins off the floor at 11 pm.

1. Look inside your fridge for a solid 10 minutes.
2. Realize you don’t have any groceries except for expired yogurt.
3. Browse Uber Eats for another 30 minutes before you finally decide on ordering pizza.
4. Wait another two hours until dinner arrives at your door.

Drill this every day for the rest of your life by never making a quick or good dietary decision.


Shower Drill

Both you and your roommate have to go to work at the same time. Not a problem, until you realize there is only one bathroom. This shower drill will teach how to get to the shower first.

1. Sleuth out what time your roommate's alarm goes off.
2. Set your alarm for five minutes before that.
3. As soon as you hear your roommate’s alarm go off, bolt for the shower.
4. There! Now bask in your hot water glory.

Practice this on weekends to get really fast at beating your roommate.


Family Love Life Questions Drill

You have to be prepared for the inevitable questions about your dating life. Here are some emergency steps you can take when your inquisitive relatives ask about your love life.

1. When your family asks if you’re seeing someone, reply with “don’t we all see someone, if you really think about it?”
2. Proceed to go on a philosophical rant about how seeing is believing, and the epistemology of perception.
3. Wait until your family gets bored or until they change the subject about two minutes into your rant…make that one minute.

Practice this by pivoting to insufferable topics every chance you can.


Awkward Question Drill

If you're anything like me, every time you ask a stupid question, you get so embarrassed that you pack up your things and move cities. There's a better way.

1. After realizing that you have asked an awkward question, immediately point at a friend across the room.
2. Imply that friend has a dark secret.
3. Everyone will be so keen to learn the gossip that you hold that they will forget the fact you asked a larger woman when the baby was due.

Practice this by once a week by texting a friend, “did you hear about Dwayne?”