We’ve all been though bad break-ups. And if you haven’t, I hate you and your stable relationship. It’s people like you who make me watch porn and cry every afternoon. But those of us who have been through the heartache of ending a long-term relationship know what it’s like to have things left unsaid. After a long relationship it can be hard to make a clean break. Once that final conversation is over and things are officially ended, we always think of things we wish we had said.
But it’s difficult to have one more conversation with your lost love. Maybe it’s too hard to be around her without crying, and you don’t want to give her the satisfaction of letting her see you cry. She’s already heard you cry on the five drunken voicemails you left last night. Maybe her new boyfriend won’t leave her alone long enough for you to run up and put a chloroform hankie over her mouth so you can drag her away to a private place to talk. Or maybe she’s just being a stickler for that restraining order. Some people just don’t realize that 500 feet is only a suggestion, not a mandate.
I just want you to know that (I still care about you / I want you back / I put that sex tape we made up on the internet and posted it on your dad’s Facebook wall).So the only way to give her your last two cents is to write a letter. But what do you put in that letter? You’ve got all these things you want to say but you just can’t articulate them. You have a goal for this letter and you want to word it just right. Well, toil no more, my friends. I have written that letter for you.
Every ex-girlfriend letter is basically the same. You just have to decide what your goal is for the letter and put in the correct phrases. I’ve put together the template and inserted the appropriate phrases for the three most common types of ex-letters. They are color coded for your convenience. So decide what it is you want to say to your ex, pick a color, and send her this letter.
Warning: Make sure you are absolutely positive that you have chosen the correct color coding because once your ex reads this letter you can’t take it back, and this website and writer are legally absolved from any and all repercussions and ramifications.
The Ex-Girlfriend Letter Goals (choose a color):
I hope we can be friends / I want you back / Go fuck yourself
Babe / My Love / Skank Bitch,
You’ve been the only thing on my mind for weeks. I can barely sleep thinking about (where we went wrong / how much I miss you / what an evil, evil whore you are). After two years (I can’t believe our relationship is ending like this / I’m not ready to give up on us / my eyes have been opened to what a horrible shrew I’ve been sticking my dick in). I thought we had something special but (I guess it wasn’t meant to be / somewhere we went wrong / it turns out all I really had was a festering herpes sore on my ass in the form of you). I’m so sorry (things didn’t work out / for everything I said / that you’re such a heinous bitch). I hope that (we can still be friends / you can find it in your heart to forgive me / you get the most burning case of Chlamydia ever recorded in human history).
The first few months of our relationship were great. We were both so happy. When I first met you I knew that (you could be my best friend and maybe even more / I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you / it would probably be easy to get you into bed… and it was). Then (we just started drifting apart / I lost sight of why I fell in love with you in the first place / you fucked Mike). Once things went bad we just got into a downward spiral. I hate that (we lost sight of why we liked each other in the first place / you’re no longer the first face I see in the morning / at some point 22 years ago your lush of a father managed to sober up just long enough to stick his limp dick into your mother’s putrid snatch, thereby begetting the screeching harpy larva that would become you).
I just want you to know that (I still care about you / I want you back / I put that sex tape we made up on the internet and posted it on your dad’s Facebook wall). Things are over between us now (but that doesn’t mean we don’t still mean something to each other / but you and I are meant to be together / and I’ve already banged your best friend and your roommate). I’d like to (keep you in my life, even as a friend / start over and be a much better man for you / set my dick on fire) because (you’ve been such a positive part of my life for so long / I can’t stand the thought of going through life without you / that seems like the only way to cleanse it of the taint of your existence). I know this breakup (was hard on both of us / seemed like the right thing / means I will never again have to lay eyes on that baboon’s ass you call a face) but (I think things ended as well as they could have / I still love you and I know you still love me / I’m sure I’ll always be able to find you if I just follow the line of bums waiting to run a train on you). No matter what, (I will always care about you and treasure the time we spent together / nothing will change the fact that we are meant for each other / you will always be a filthy whore that even the filthiest of whores will think of as a really filthy fucking whore). Just know that (I’ll be here for you, always / the bond we share can’t be broken by any force in the universe / I’ve e-mailed this letter to your boss).
Please (think about it and let me know if you’d like to try to maintain our friendship / please please call me / go to hell).
(Your Friend / Your One And Only Soulmate / Suck a bag of dicks. Oh wait, you already did),
[Your Name Here]
p.s. (Some of your clothes are still at my apartment. I can bring them to you and maybe we can talk / I love you / Your boobs are lop-sided and everyone notices).
There you are, folks. I hope this is a helpful guide to writing that letter to your ex-girlfriend. If you’re sending the green letter, I hope things work out for you. If you’re sending the blue letter, good luck, but maybe you should sack up and be a little bit more of a man; your whininess is probably why she broke up with you in the first place. If you’re sending the red letter, you should probably get some anger management and hire a lawyer.