Company Description and Position Title

Thank you for considering Universal Log!

We are a nation-wide furniture production company that utilizes superior lumber in order to create quality household items. We use only the strongest wood to produce things such as chairs, tables, dressers, desks, foot-stools, window frames, work benches, handrails, fence posts, cupboards, doors, frisbees, light-bulbs, scissors, oven racks, bed sheets, teddy bears, baseball caps, and much, much more!

We are currently looking for a “Technical Language Utilization and Communications Specialist.” In other words, we need someone to answer the phone.

Universal Log's Background

Here at Universal Log, we push really hard in order to get our best material out. We pride ourselves on our hard work, pushing and pushing to ensure we're always producing something of quality. We don't want our material to be soft or to contain a lot of cracks and crevices…That's the Log promise.

We are proud to say that we have been successfully operational without any breakdowns or extended layoff periods for the past 3 weeks.

Required Previous Experience

At Universal Log, we have high expectations of our employees. As a Universal Log employee, you must:

A) Be able to recite at least half of the alphabet (forward, not backward).

B) Count to really high numbers such as 12 or maybe even 37.

C) Have passed, attended, or at least thought about attending grade school (if you didn't pass or attend grade school, but saw a picture of a school once, that counts also).

D) Understand that big, sharp, fast-moving objects can hurt you if you play with them.

Duties & Responsibilities

As our “Technical Language Utilization and Communications Specialist,” you will be responsible for answering our phones and communicating with our local customers as well as our Affiliates in Bangladesh and the North Pole. In addition to this, we need you to:

A) Properly insource our output while outsourcing our input.

B) Maintain data files on employees who disappear in our factory during working hours.

C) Use astronomy to maintain continual awareness of the position of the constellations on the third Sunday of every month in order to determine which part of the globe contains new sources of lumber that have been isolated from human activity for the past 40 to 75 years.

D) Utilize an Ouija Board to successfully communicate with spirits to find potential sources of new lumber.

E) Be prepared to give us some of your household furniture if all else fails.

Workplace

Our working conditions are safe. Just make sure you wear a hard hat at all times, keep ear-plugs in your nostrils between 9:00 and 11:00 AM, and close all windows and get underneath your desk in the “duck-and-cover” position facing northward for at least 27 and a half minutes after 1:00 PM. Don't worry, this doesn't happen often, just during the month of May.

And we encourage all employees to scream if anything out of the ordinary happens.

Workplace Perks & Benefits

Unfortunately, we don't offer medical or dental benefits. We also don't have a retirement plan because the majority of our employees only stay with us for about 2-3 hours.

Everyone is allowed exactly 3 breaks that should last no longer than 4 minutes. During this time, feel free to enjoy our selections from the vending machine. We advise you, however, to avoid the Chocolate-Covered Meatball and Jalapeno-Flavored Turkey Sub. The last employee who ate one was found crying in the toilet stall.

However, we are happy to announce that our plant locations in Northern Wisconsin and Minnesota host an annual, outdoor picnic every January. Get your family and friends together, and join us as we serve cheesy hot dogs, fermented cabbage-flavored rice cakes, and gluten-free, cinnamon-sprinkled tofu. There should be more than enough for everyone.

To Apply

Please send us your resume, a picture of your face from 7 years ago, and the names and contact information of at least three people who do not fully appreciate your personality.

Or you can simply email our Human Resources Assistant, Ms. Egesta Hardstool, with a list of your favorite songs, personal hobbies, and animals that you consider to be really cute.

Thank you and we look forward to meeting you!


Get 10% off The Second City comedy classes with code PIC. Subscribe to our newsletter for new articles.