Ladies and gentlemen. Family, friends, and assorted cast, thank you for coming to this ceremony. But before I go any further, I figure I might as well start by asking if anyone has objections to this wedding, and to speak now or forever hold your peace…

Really? No one’s finding this shit weird? You’re all cool with what’s happened this season?

 …Fine.

Okay, well if the ring bearer will now please present the rings, that don’t look AT ALL LIKE THE ROYAL WEDDING JEWELS OF THE NORTH.We are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of Ryan and Ashley in marriage. And what a journey it’s been, what with Ashley discovering Ryan’s secret marriage to his third cousin in order to maintain control over their family business. Or with Ashley’s struggle to obtain citizenship, after it was revealed that she was actually born into Canadian royalty, before being kidnapped, abandoned, and then RANDOMLY adopted by her new family.

The same Ashley who just a couple of episodes ago was declared legally dead after a terrible skiing accident, after which NO ONE ever found the assailant or the body of her twin sister, true heir to the Canadian throne. And then only recently was she found in the woods, claiming total amnesia…

Bride having a glass of champagne in back church room
A few bottles of champagne should make this ceremony a little smoother I think…

And everyone is just cool with that? Just accepting it and moving on?

Well it’s also worth mentioning Ryan’s heroic story, of how he was just released from the custody of a high-ranking gang. A gang that JUST SO HAPPENS to be named the "Ottawa Freedom Fighters," for NO PARTICULAR REASON I’m sure.

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So a great thanks should be given to Ryan’s parents, who, despite having just lost control of their business to "foreign" investors (who seem to remain anonymous, EXCEPT FOR A MOOSE HEAD INSIGNIA, HINT HINT), have come together with the $100,000 ransom almost OUT OF NOWHERE.

And a sad mention must be given for Wendy, Ryan’s estranged half-sister, who was officially declared a missing person after a visit to a Québec casino, that I’m sure NO ONE IN EITHER FAMILY OWED A DEBT TO. Truly a tragedy. One that DEFINTELY HAD NOTHING TO DO with her life insurance being upgraded to THE COMPLETELY RANDOM NUMBER OF $100,000. Anyone have a calculator?

But that’s not to say there is no joy at this wedding. I’ve been told that Ashley’s best friend, Morgan, just had a baby boy. Nothing weird there. Although it is sad to say that Morgan seems to have completely forgotten the name of the father, who she met WHILE ON VACATION WITH ASHLEY AND RYAN JUST NINE SEASONS AGO… Nothing? That should at least be frowned upon. What if I told you the vacation was to Yukon, and Morgan’s real name was Adèle Ontario? Do I need to draw you a damn map?!?

Okay, well if the ring bearer will now please present the rings, that don’t look AT ALL LIKE THE ROYAL WEDDING JEWELS OF THE NORTH. There’s no way these rings signify any sort of BINDING ALLIANCE, allowing Ryan’s family to slowly begin a knife and dagger takeover. Nope, they probably just came from Kay Jewelers.

Oh good, the ring bearer is Ashley’s TOTALLY PLATONIC best friend and Ryan’s brother, Bryan, who’s emotional core and rugged good looks are just some of the things that make him SUCH A CLOSE FRIEND, AND NOT HER LOVER WHO WILL GROW TO RESENT RYAN! THIS CERTAINLY WON’T IGNITE A POWER STRUGGLE PITTING BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER, TOPPLING A NATION!

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Priest disappointed in bride at wedding ceremony

Seriously? Not even a gasp? What hell is wrong with you people?

You know what, I don’t even care. We’ll all just be back here next season to see Bryan marry Ryan or some shit.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Go Canucks.

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