By KC Ellen

As you may or may not know, I have been silently stalking Points in Case’s own Mike Faerber. PIC stalking, Facebook stalking, even a little bit of the “click on his screen name on Facebook and see his away message to see what he’s doing with out actually talking to him” stalking… harmless, normal things like that. And through this stalking, I have learned that I not only have an internet crush, but I’m in straight up internet love. I’m talking head over heels, real deal, World Series kind of internet love! I mean, a man who can write, likes to dance around in his underwear, and has a full body of hair? How could I not be smitten?

After revealing this tidbit of semi-humiliating information to my cousin, she decided I needed to get drunk and let Mike know—through Facebook of course. So we did, and he quickly turned down my craziness, and that was that… for a little while.

Now, because I continue having vivid shower dreams (the ones where I make things up in my head in the shower, and then tell people “it just came out of no where”), I have decided that I want go on a date with this character. We’re perfect for each other on the internet, why not in real life? So, I will now share with you my shower dream: My Dream Date with Mike Faerber.

The Setup

First, I’ll ask him out. He should ask me out, you say, but that would be easier if he knew exactly who I was, and I’m just not willing to wait that long. So I get on the FB, and type out this little ditty:

Subject: Hypothetical Date?
Dear Mike, would it be weird for a girl to hypothetically ask out a boy she doesn’t know on a hypothetical date? Let’s say the boy is hypothetically werewolf-looking in appearance and occasionally writes for a website the girl reads fanatically. And let’s also say that this girl hypothetically has big blue eyes, loves to laugh, and most importantly, has a huge rack and only a slight case of the clap. Could they be destined to hypothetically meet and share an evening that may hypothetically lead to the girl combing food out of the beard she loves so much?

Check yes or no!

YES NO

Always and forever yours,
Kaci xoxoxo [email protected]@!!!11

Subject: RE: Hypothetical Date?
I can only hope that this amazing and wonderful girl will one day joyfully complain about my immense amount of back hair and will meet me for a moonlight dinner and long walk along the beach while sipping Sea Breezes! Meet me at the playground at 3!

Cordially,
Mike Faerber

Pre-Date Strategy

To prepare, I will spend hours primping and prepping myself, tucking my saggy fun bags into my dress and making sure Mike can’t see the crazy hiding under my mask of makeup. Obviously I’ll wear something hot and alluring, in an attempt to not only score the heart of one Mike Faerber, but to score free drinks from some unsuspecting male victim at the bar if he turns out to be a grade A loser. Girl’s gotta get her buzz somehow, right?

For Mike to prepare, he changes his underwear, because he likes to be fresh.

The Date, Finally!

Mike picks me up in his mom’s 1993 GM Safari van, complete with built-in VHS player and reclining seats (just in case things get hot). I merrily skip my thunder thighs and jelly-jiggle ass to the front door and see Mike standing there, tequila bottle in hand, with only a little bit already gone! He is definitely my type of guy. We hop in the van and speed off into the sunset, only swerving a little bit, because as Mike puts it, “There was something in the road and I want to be kind to animals.” Isn’t he dreamy?

Mike takes us to a local restaurant, a classy Mexican place called “El Taco Bell.” I trick myself into thinking that’s Spanish for “Really Fun and Amazing.” Mike orders everything on the “Peso menu” and tells me I can get whatever I want under three dollars! I’m not sure yet, but it looks like Mike is going to get a little TLC tonight.

We sit at El Taco Bell for hours, talking and laughing, occasionally taking swigs out of the tequila bottle. Mikey-bear (true stalkers always assign nicknames) is so funny and smart, I think I cream my panties a little when he tells me he plans to take over Court Sullivan’s editor job one day! I know that will only lead down the road to fame and money. I can hardly wait to begin planning our Vegas wedding, complete with matching velour jump suits and scrolling word belts!

The Long Goodnight

As Mike cruises his super babe magnet down the street, I start to get nervous. What if he thinks I’m a super freak for asking out a total stranger? What if he doesn’t think I’m cute enough? Most importantly, what if I only dreamed of shaving my chach and it smells like tacos?

We pull into my driveway, and I know it’s now or never, so I go in for the kill. I lean in, pucker my lips like a seventh grader applying Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker, and plant a big one on Mike and his wildebeest beard. Surprisingly, he goes for it! We quickly start making things happen, and three blissful minutes of flopping around like determined salmon later, Mike is telling me not to drop cigarette ashes all over his mom’s van.

Dream date over!
Will my shower dream date come true? Only time will tell…

Check yes or no!!!!!#$!!11

YES NO

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