Man, Rob Gronkowski is a pretty cool guy. The kind of guy you would want to have a few beers and some hot wings with. And with the NFL becoming more and more of a tight end-oriented league, is it finally time Rob Gronkowski learns the real truth about the Centauri UFO landing of 1966? And more importantly, do you have the proper security clearance to tell him?

Please answer the following questions to find out.

1. Were you at the Centauri UFO landing of 1966?

Only people who were actually present for the Centauri UFO landing have security clearance to talk about it. And if you were there, surely you’d remember when Lyndon Johnson ball-tapped the Centauri ambassador in a grossly misinterpreted folksy gesture.

2. Was General Abraham P. McHenry at your wedding?

It’s a little kept secret that General Abraham P. McHenry has a soft spot for each attendee of the Centauri UFO landing at Holloman Air Force Base in the isolated New Mexico desert, which he commanded in 1966. It has been reported that the general likes to stand in the front row of each attendee’s wedding, and when eye contact is made, he or she only sees a Centauri face smiling back. After a double take, there appears to be no one there at all.

3. Have you received unexpected pizza deliveries with notes attached: “Tell Rob Gronkowski and you’ll be sorry”?

Clearly, if this is happening, you do have the necessary clearance, and an old colleague is rewarding you with pizza.

4. Do you have a recurring dream where a Centauri navigator tries to bum a light for his cigarette, but you don’t have one?

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Individuals who are too close to the truth about the Centauri UFO landing of 1966 are plagued with nightmares related to their experience. Another common dream scenario is transforming into a Centauri citizen, but still having sex with your own brother.

5. Are you compelled to compulsively draw concentric circles on archival photographs from the set of Murphy Brown?

The Group is still studying why this happens with every individual who has security clearance to the Centauri UFO landing, but the leading theory is that each attendee of the UFO landing was exposed to some form of extraterrestrial radiation, which altered the brain’s chemistry in order to perceive all the hard work that goes into producing a top network sitcom.

6. Are you economically reliant on states with panhandles?

Sure, you’ve woken up a time or two in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan without any idea how you got there, but if you have the security clearance to tell Rob Gronkowski about the Centauri UFO landing of 1966, you’d know your bread is buttered in states like Florida or Oklahoma.

If you were able to answer “yes” to all six questions, then you without a doubt have the necessary security clearance to tell Rob Gronkowski the real truth about the Centauri UFO landing of 1966. Please waste no time in welcoming the star New England tight end into the rarest club in the universe—after all, he’s a pretty cool guy.

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