Gary, I’ve called you into HR today not because at 6pm last night you defecated onto Mr. Peters’ desk, but because you clearly didn’t even make an attempt to wash your hands afterward. 

Poop on the boss' desk

We’ve got security footage of you sneaking into his office, taking off your pants, placing a photo of Mr. Peters below your brown blowhole, and releasing an obviously preplanned amount of butt garbage onto the surrounding area. As I’m sure you’re aware, this is a clear violation of this company’s policy, and we ask that next time you try something like this you thoroughly wash your hands after, preferably with soap.

When you let loose that deuce caboose, I want you to be thinking not just about yourself, but also of how you’re representing our brand.After you had finished making your chocolate townhouse, the tape clearly shows you blatantly disregard all HR approved hygiene practices, as you redress your mud-flooded bottom, and promptly exit.

Do you not recall the numerous times I’ve sat the office down to go over proper sanitary techniques? All those demonstrations on correct hand washing, drying, and not to mention optimal squatting techniques to reduce dooty backslash to your legs when letting loose a Cleveland carpet bomb on a coworker’s personal area? It’s flu season Gary, and this office isn’t operating at 100% when everyone has runny noses from your excrement extravaganza.

While I know those lessons were designed for lower to mid level employees’ desks only, I see no reason why your boss’ workstation should function any differently. You were hired here for your critical thinking skills, yet I am having a hard time believing that, seeing as the moment you decided to shoot off that shatgun of yours, all foresight seems to escape you.

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Not only does this reflect poorly on you, but it also makes the company look weak whenever you carelessly give birth to a fudge basketball any which way you please. When you let loose that deuce caboose, I want you to be thinking not just about yourself, but also of how you’re representing our brand, and then I want you to wash those fart flakes off your hands before returning to the workplace.

Look at your coworkers and you’ll see what I mean. Harrison took a mean sewer snake on Jameson’s desk just last week, and do you want to know why he isn’t in here with you? It’s because when he dropped his feces flute, he paid close attention to the anti-fecal matter safety signs I hung up, and washed his hands for a solid 30 seconds before returning to accounting.

Jessica had herself a regular poo Pompeii the week before and do you know what she did? She carefully lined the inside of Devin’s drawers with extra excrement using the slow swirling motion I had demonstrated, and even used her own toilet paper to make sure the splash zone didn’t overstep onto Deborah’s desk in payroll. That’s not just skill, that’s the type of team player we want here.

 Even Kevin brought down baby wipes when he made the front seat of Mr. Peters’ Camaro the build site for his new log cabin, the logs being turds. He placed a big old box of them on the dashboard with a note saying, "Bless this mess." That’s why Kevin’s the office funny guy, and you’re stuck in HR.

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Now you’re not fired, but you will be required to attend a weekly seminar I’m holding on proper office bathroom etiquette. But before we start, I want you to check out the present Mr. Peters left steaming on your desk to see how it’s properly done, and why he’s the boss. 

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