So you want to get your driver’s license. You’re excited to learn your hand positions of 10-and-2 and your parallel parking and your highway merging. And if you’re like most everyone else, then you think learning all this is how you’ll become a driver.

Oh yeah, sure. Understanding these basic principles can let you move a car around from Point A to Point B. But will they make you a driver in the fullest sense of the word? Not at all.

We’ll give you one-on-one driving lessons designed to put you in the mindset of a good driver whose personal problems hinder his decision-making. See, driving isn’t just physical—it’s mental. And here at Deep-Seated Mentality Driving School, we teach you the preparation it takes to be a driver, engulfing you in the infinite list of scenarios you have to be ready for before you get behind the wheel and release the clutch.

The Deep-Seated MentalityTM is predicated on a cord of empathy stretching from a driver to all other drivers sharing the road. You need to know just what those other drivers are thinking, what’s going through the minds of those 9-to-5 lackeys blocked up in rush hour. You have to be wondering what’s happening in their lives: that man in the white Jetta, is he just another asshole? Probably. But what if today he found out that Carmen is cheating on him with that guy Lenny, the shmuck who works at Whole Foods? And if so, then why shouldn’t he be cutting you off right now to hurry back to his high-rise condo—that he’s paying for in full, by the way—and catch them in the act? And aren’t you, by tailgating him for the next mile, the real asshole?

Man driving a white Jetta
"Can you blame me?"

Let me provide some backstory.

I developed the Deep-Seated MentalityTM following a rough period of my driving life in which I found myself getting into near-accidents on a daily basis. Now, insurance companies would lead you to believe this pattern means I’m a bad driver. But that’s not the case at all. Bad things that were swirling around me in my personal life—things I won’t discuss here—weighed on me when I cruised down the highway, and these bad things caused me to drive miles at a time with my left blinker on as my downtrodden, beat-up ’96 Civic—with no AC because the damn shyster mechanic screwed me—straddled the lane divider.

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And then, after a brief moment of reflection, I realized that the other drivers around me were ignorant. That they had no idea what I was going through. That, in the name of safety, they should be prepared to stop at a moment’s notice to accommodate my needs. That, really, how could they drive so dangerously?

Once I had that I realization, I knew I had to do something, so I started the Deep-Seated Mentality Driving School.

Here, we pride ourselves on initiating prospective drivers how low their brethren can sink, and how they must always be prepared for the worst. We’ll give you specialized one-on-one driving lessons designed to put you in the mindset of a good driver whose personal problems hinder his decision-making. We’ll gather intelligence on your specific neuroses, fears, embarrassing moments, daddy issues, and more; and we’ll craft an environment within the driving simulator to push you to the brink of rage. And based on the subsequent negative outcomes from the simulation, we’ll instill individuals with an understanding of just how volatile it is when an angry driver and an ignorant one share the road.

For instance, maybe you’re stuck in a Jack in the Box parking lot at 11:30 PM. It’s Sunday night. You’re eating a Spicy Sriracha Burger all by yourself, the extra Sriracha dripping onto your navy blue sweatpants with the loose drawstring. You’re flipping through radio stations, landing on 91.9, the oldies station, and you hear the song that the two of you shared for the past year, but goddammit you threw it all away for that bimbo at night school, and you can’t dare to listen to it once more. So you change the station to the AM sports channel and the Eagles are playing, announcer setting the stage of fourth-and-goal with seconds left—you’re edging up in your ripped leather seat, cranking the volume to make sure the broadcast is clear—and it’s gotta be a touchdown, your offensive line is just dominant this year, but now the call’s coming through and it’s a fade route—a fucking FADE route?—to Jenkins, and of course it’s incomplete—I mean, the guy’s 5’11" and doesn’t have damn springs in his legs. You look at your hand: it’s numb and a little bloody because you’ve been slamming the dashboard, screaming at the top of your lungs about how "WE LOST TO THE REDSKINS?!" And now the key’s in the ignition, wheels skittering and car flying out onto the main drag, and you still can’t believe it, so you whip a hard right to go to the one bar downtown that doesn’t have its head up its ass with fancy cocktails and just serves some goddamn good American lagers, but the driver in the car beside you doesn’t recognize—he DOESN’T RECOGNIZE—that you’re driving angry and can’t be held accountable, so you sideswipe him and rub a little bit of paint off his car, plus a headlight and the front bumper, and then the simulator** shuts off.

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**Note that the specificity of the simulator is crucial to its effectiveness.

Through this process, we teach drivers the importance of paying attention to fellow drivers who may or may not be driving angry. Because if you get your side mirror clipped, then that driver is sending you a message. He’s not saying, "Hey, I’m a bad driver." He’s saying, "My wife has my balls in a vice about the alimony payments… and realistically, I’m gonna keep driving this way, so you better wake up."

You’ve been stuck in this daze for a while. But now, at the Deep-Seated Mentality Driving School, you can finally open your eyes.

Call today for pricing info.

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