Dear Match.com,

I think it is time I join your piece of shit website. As is the case with many dating services, yours is comprised of ugly, unintelligent people clearly in need of a partner for the carpool lane. I was put on this planet to change that stereotype forever, which is why I am requesting a free membership.

With me on the site, tens of women will join, and my membership will virtually pay for itself. My hobbies include bubble baths, working on my Trans-Am, writing scripture, and drinking alone. My turn-offs include fat chicks, hairy chicks, chicks without implants, and dudes.

Below is a copy of the profile that you have my permission (as well as that of my attorney) to publish:

Your main job would be to prep your coworkers and explain to them that I’m more than just the office slut.Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Adam and I am the answer to your wildest dreams.

I am a man of substance, character, and grace. I pride myself on my style, strikingly good looks, and amazing hair. I am looking for a woman who shares my love of motorcycles, NASCAR, plaid shirts, and carnations. I am a hulking 5’4" and weigh more than you might consider "healthy."I do not have a problem meeting women, basically because I’ll bang anything that moves.

There have been many mornings when I have awakened next to a snoring, sweaty, rhinoceros. There have also been many days when I think that had I not taken that last shot of tequila, I wouldn’t have had a need to go to the free clinic. I am only on this site because I haven’t met anyone since moving to the area. I had to leave Minneapolis due to several paternity suits against me. Hey if they can’t find me, they can’t take my money, right? Right?!?

Carnations on top of piano keys
Sometimes I’ll be typing you a message and carnations will fall from my collection. Then I realize I’m playing the piano (terribly), but we’re still making beautiful music.
The only real downside that I can see about myself is that I’m currently out of work. I have attempted many career paths over the years, but haven’t found anything substantial with potential upward mobility. I tried runway modeling, but it didn’t take for some reason. I briefly worked at a fish-hatchery, but got laid off due to the way I smelled.

Right now, I’m hoping that some lucky lady could give me a hand getting my foot in the door with her company. I don’t care for hard work, but the way I see it, you’re a woman (hopefully), so whatever it is you do can’t be that tough. My work history is a little sketchy, and I interview fairly well, but once I get hired, I usually get fed up when the people around me treat me like an object. Your main job would be to prep your coworkers and explain to them that I’m more than just the office slut.

I have a few minor physical problems that I’m hoping you will overlook. The first one isn’t that big of a deal. Basically, I kind of sort of smell like urine. I know, it’s a bit of a turn-off, but I would suggest using nose plugs when spending time with me. I can provide you with some and you can reimburse me later. I also have a rare skin allergy that causes a rash to break out whenever I hear Dan Rathers’ voice. I would be remiss to say that it doesn’t occur often, but I really like Dan Rather. I mean I REALLY like him.

Last but not least, I fart in my sleep. Let’s get that little bit of information on the table now. If any of you plan on climbing Mt. Adam and staying the night, the last thing I need is someone running out of the bedroom screaming at 3am. It isn’t fair to me or my parents upstairs. I am a gentleman, and will hold it in all day for you ladies, but when the sandman comes, I start sand blasting.

Obviously, I’m quite the catch, and you would have to be a complete moron if you didn’t write me back.

As you can see, I bring a slightly more sophisticated angle to your fledgling web site and I know that this profile alone will change the face of internet dating forever. Should you need more in the physical flaw section, please let me know. I have a ton of them.

RELATED:  A Week in the Life of Christopher the Christian

Suggested next: