Dear Elon,

My name is Elliott. It is with most trepidation that I pen this letter to you, the CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, and many of my most intimate dreams. You see, I have been reading about wearable technologies in the news and am in total awe of their capabilities.

A bracelet that can read muscle movement to change channels while driving? The ability to fly my leisure drones with intuitive flicks of my undersized hands? Is this science fiction or some other computer-based deity tickling my cortex?

The future is now Mr. Musk and I am excited to be in it with you as my captain.

Mr. Musk, do you think that we will ever see the day when these bracelets are widespread? And more importantly, will I be able to fit my children with artificially intelligent collars before I am driven to insanity?

Oh captain, my captain! My children, Devon and Georgina, are six and eight respectively. Devon is a bed-wetter and I fear that Georgina simply has no respect for me. Is it because I am 5’4″ with a devastatingly receded hairline? Is it that I struggle with even the simplest codes?

Day in and day out my children remind me that I am not good enough to sit in the shadow of Elon Musk. I never thought that I would be a full-time supervisor at Best Buy, but alas, who could have predicted that my Cabbage Patch Collection would have been called “more worthless than me”? Who could have predicted that my wife would give me an ultimatum of either years of collecting children’s baby dolls or her? She knew what she was asking and what Paulina, Marisa, and the rest of the Patch meant to me. I have nothing left but a discount on VR headsets and two children that call me “Peepee Pants McSadface.”

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For that reason, Mr. Musk, I am hopeful that AI collars will soon be implemented for my evil children.

Did you ever see Star Wars growing up, Captain? I know that I did. As a boy I remember crying in fear and disgust when Darth Vader used the force to raise his helpless ship employee by the throat. And yet… looking back was my reaction too quick? Is the force choke the answer to my problem? Georgina would think twice about calling me “Little Hands Baby Man” again, that’s for sure.

Does being raised from the neck out of bed stop bedwetting? I am not familiar with the current literature but I suspect that Devon’s sheets might stay a little drier if he were forced to hover above them.

Mr. Musk, long have I toiled with the question of AI in society. I know that you are afraid, and I am afraid too. The more that I revisit Star Wars though the more comfortable I feel. Who could stop us with our combined might? Definitely not my nasty children. With your insight and expertise, combined with my small but nimble hands and control over Georgina and Devon, I suspect that we will be able to take on AI by storm.

Thank you for reading this letter. I am including my children’s measurements as well so that you might be able to forward some prototypes in advance of our grand unveiling.

Cordially yours,
Elliott Lawrence

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