Dear “Batman”, “The Dark Knight”, “The Caped Crusader”, or “The World’s Greatest Detective”,

We, the City of Gotham Department of Transportation, appreciate your efforts to fight crime, but please stop illegally parking your so-called Batmobile.

Although Commissioner Gordon urged us not to write you, our residents have had enough. Just this week alone, our office has received forty complaints about your car, which by the way is not registered with the DMV or properly insured as far as we know. Below, we've attached some of Gothamite residents’ complaints regarding parking your Batmobile illegally.

Betty Windham, 64, Retired Teacher
“I was going to go buy my granddaughter a birthday cake, but my driveway was blocked by a large, dark, Halloween-themed tank. I thought about riding my bike, but the tank had run over it and destroyed it beyond repair. There wasn’t even any information left with insurance or an apology note anywhere. My granddaughter cried the whole day.”

Gregory Cheatham, 32, Parking Lot Manager
“This freaking Batmobile is blocking the entrance and exit to my parking lot. Do you hear that endless honking behind me? There are about four-hundred cars in there that can’t leave. On top of it, no cars can currently enter and we’re losing money. Batman better reimburse me for my losses. Work just ended and these cars are pissed. Hell, I’m pissed. I’m stuck here to deal with this disaster and he gets his fame for saving the city or whatever.”

Jessica Dixie, 45, Owner of The French Fiddler Bistro
“Not only did this obtuse delinquent in a cowl obliterate through our frosted glass doors and knock over our marble-countertop tables, but he also left his automobile parked in two booths for the entire day. It was an extraordinarily busy day and we did not have the option to lose those two booths, so our high-class guests sat on top of his car in the middle of our establishment. Na na na na na na na Batman sucks!”

Angeline Perez, 24, U-Haul Employee
“So, we pull up in our truck full of furniture and arrive at the client’s new house. Seven perfect loading zones have been taken up by the damn Batmobile. There’s no other street parking available, because face it: it’s Gotham. We had to park two blocks away and carry all the furniture piece by piece. We accidentally dropped a piano on my coworker’s leg and now he needs surgery. Nice going Batman.”

Leo Ray, 22, Professional Athlete
“I’ve had enough. I’m stuck in my house, because our so-called hero parked his car right in front of my door. This is the only functional door to my house. It’s like I’m snowed in. I was supposed to compete in the Olympics this year, but I couldn’t make my flight. Thanks again. You saved the day, jackass.”

Sarah Reimann, 45, Farmer
“I walked into my greenhouse and found some large tank parked on its roof. No light could enter the house, so all my plants died and now I lost my business. I hope my suffering was worth it, Batman.”

Terry Crosby, 55, Real Estate Agent
“I checked on my five million dollar home to find that the Batmobile was parked in my infinity pool. Gallons of water had drained out and there were scratch marks all over the pool’s surface. He also broke the divider between the jacuzzi and the pool. Now, this house is unsellable. He owes me five million dollars.”

There are thousands of other complaints just like these. We are simply asking you to follow the laws and morals that you claim to defend. If you must park in unpermitted locations, we can perhaps make an exception, but please file a request for a parking permit with our office two weeks before you need to use the spot and provide your license plate number, specific location, duration of time you will be parked, time, and date and we will happily try to accommodate you.

Please stop parking illegally, because we will be forced to tow the Batmobile the next time we see it parked in a red zone, a driveway, or anywhere it is not supposed to be.

Thank you for your time and service. The Gotham Police Department will be soon reaching out to you about noise complaints; several residents have complained about the Batmobile’s roaring sound. However, you can file a Special Events Permit through their office two weeks in advance with your specific location, duration of time, time, and date or invest in a quieter muffler.

Sincerely,
The City of Gotham Department of Transportation

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!